tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43618751143157956372024-03-18T16:59:02.739-07:00WellnessWithHolliWellness awaits each of us. We choose the time.
Now is your time! Start today!
I'm here to help. WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.comBlogger178125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-17443006470717318952024-03-11T13:25:00.000-07:002024-03-11T13:25:24.735-07:00Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Three<p> <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Three</b></span></p><p>If you have not read <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/03/daughter-and-mother-story-of-healing.html">Part One</a>, begin here.</p><p>If you have not read <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/03/daughter-and-mother-story-of-healing_11.html">Part Two</a>, begin here.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblrdBiI9_8jCwETS3xTS277lO-PgJFE6q2BJTvCCkyAar3zlzsvCgl5IuUWotaBTp8rZeIrwy2GZO49eB1Ah4cIEsh80aX7psNj81sya5lT3IE52RYcCwDr40nLZpk6RXQq_cPEZE8zp_sZkAvMeXRJNTXtuFJfCavB5xFW1ZQWEkXH8sgBMk3KZg7TU/s7200/AdobeStock_666853710.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4800" data-original-width="7200" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhblrdBiI9_8jCwETS3xTS277lO-PgJFE6q2BJTvCCkyAar3zlzsvCgl5IuUWotaBTp8rZeIrwy2GZO49eB1Ah4cIEsh80aX7psNj81sya5lT3IE52RYcCwDr40nLZpk6RXQq_cPEZE8zp_sZkAvMeXRJNTXtuFJfCavB5xFW1ZQWEkXH8sgBMk3KZg7TU/w640-h426/AdobeStock_666853710.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Session Three:
Our Relationship: Past and Present<o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>When Yvonne, Sally and I greeted one another, there was a noticeable lightness in the air.</b> Although I felt a sense of relief, I knew that
processing the questions from their homework also required additional
vulnerability and complete honesty. After a few moments of small talk, we dove
into the assignment. I reminded Yvonne and Sally that after each one shared her
answers, the other would again utilize the “reflective listening phrases” when
responding. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The six questions were arranged in a specific order.</b>
Although no one question was easier than another, the serious nature around
each question deepened from #1 to #6, as did its potential for healing the
relationship moving forward. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The first few questions centered around how Daughter and Mother
each felt about herself in her role in their relationship and about the
relationship itself, both past and present.</b> Next, each was asked to talk about
changes she would like to make as well as things she cherished or appreciated. The next couple
of questions asked both Daughter and Mother to express her needs of the other
moving forward in healthy, supportive ways. And the last question was designed give
both Daughter and Mother each an opportunity to share something more private,
personal, or poignant. Something that would reflect her final truths, if these
were her last words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Over the next fifty minutes, I guided Yvonne and Sally
through the questions</b>. Some truths flowed smoothly. Others were quite challenging,
addressing areas of additional vulnerability and discomfort. When needed, I jumped in for clarification or
for providing context around healing from betrayal. But Yvonne and Sally moved
through the questions. Both stayed with me and the process. Although Sally
demonstrated vast improvement in utilizing the reflective listening phrases,
often she would slip into her defensiveness. And yet, she remained open to my redirection.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>By the end of our session, a new blanket was being
woven.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span>This one was strung together with
compassion, courage, and honest communication.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Its color – TRUTH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Its purpose – <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to provide safety and warmth for HEALING a Daughter
and Mother relationship.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Homework for Session Four: </b>For our last Daughter and
Mother session, Yvonne and Sally were asked to do a short writing assignment –
Commitment and Reflection. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each was
asked to write down 3-5 specific behaviors they would commit to working on and
also write a paragraph on their reflection of our time together.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgykSRoL7CHChI7ye2BiyP7v6zEmXFMTe1TSLGfzzuiVhurHL73bm2NnAjtGFmWzuMlGZlBzQVxgLxFBTMd2EG0IHohZAv1wHVeY0WtkQAmVWcveyIfkmeBXzk3_XIhNEUG7I7Jb3pb1wuAvKu5KB-TOxJPcgHli0xYup-2LtmeVSOEES2P_aiK2R_KchY/s3072/Healing%20%20Hope.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3072" data-original-width="3072" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgykSRoL7CHChI7ye2BiyP7v6zEmXFMTe1TSLGfzzuiVhurHL73bm2NnAjtGFmWzuMlGZlBzQVxgLxFBTMd2EG0IHohZAv1wHVeY0WtkQAmVWcveyIfkmeBXzk3_XIhNEUG7I7Jb3pb1wuAvKu5KB-TOxJPcgHli0xYup-2LtmeVSOEES2P_aiK2R_KchY/w400-h400/Healing%20%20Hope.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u>Session Four: Commitment and Reflection<o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>For our last Daughter and Mother session together, I
anticipated that it would be less intense.</b> I was right. However, I was blown
away at the level of strength, conviction, and commitment demonstrated by both
Yvonne and Sally. They were eager to share their homework. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>First, Daughter and Mother each committed to behaviors she would
work on.</b> And, there was additional conversation around boundary work and open
communication with one another as well as with other family members. Each
boldly identified clear expectations of one another, with each one owning and
being accountable if she regressed into old patterns of behavior. Both Daughter
and Mother expressed her deep love for the other. Both emphasized and were
dedicated to the importance of being healthier for herself and for the
other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Before we closed our session, I asked Yvonne and Sally to
share their reflections on our time together – positive or critical</b>. Both were
very generous with their words. Although I thanked them, I spoke
compassionately to both of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>“YOU were willing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU
were vulnerable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU wanted healing. YOU
did the hard work.” </b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>I said goodbye to Sally. She smiled as I held her hand in
mine.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, I met with Yvonne alone for
a few minutes. We processed a few things and set a time for our next session.
She seemed to have a little bounce in her step as she and her mom joined arms
and left the office.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Later that night, I couldn’t help but think of Yvonne and
Sally. Tears of joy ran down my face. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>I kept visualizing a new meticulously
woven soft blanket – swaddling them in healing and hope.</b></span><o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span><b>For more healing resources, please visit <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span><b>TEDx YouTube and TED.com </b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span><b>BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About </b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zRm7tZi0pZw" width="320" youtube-src-id="zRm7tZi0pZw"></iframe></div><br /><span><br /></span><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-85154566230044756562024-03-11T13:21:00.000-07:002024-03-11T13:26:46.812-07:00Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two <p><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two</b></span></p><p>If you have not read <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/03/daughter-and-mother-story-of-healing.html">Part One</a>, please begin reading. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwW9AAxcVFnTsRQeJChCF3gDjbUXoLFIA-OcGtMrKBDRHwRGKx3CtXfq2Y8QrMfdmT0KpT-MFa4M1dhQGzLVsGIaD_WzNBYXaMeMhb81lTa-n5vlsObt8ot2goZAuKFpVvr9oXRLe7se1b2kA8zCUkcG6fgNH9Gig64pCiCkdhoYHqKWbSlZ7qGnYzeTk/s5824/AdobeStock_597214016.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3264" data-original-width="5824" height="358" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwW9AAxcVFnTsRQeJChCF3gDjbUXoLFIA-OcGtMrKBDRHwRGKx3CtXfq2Y8QrMfdmT0KpT-MFa4M1dhQGzLVsGIaD_WzNBYXaMeMhb81lTa-n5vlsObt8ot2goZAuKFpVvr9oXRLe7se1b2kA8zCUkcG6fgNH9Gig64pCiCkdhoYHqKWbSlZ7qGnYzeTk/w640-h358/AdobeStock_597214016.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u>Session Two: The Me You Cannot See<o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>A week later, Yvonne and Sally entered my office.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span>Immediately, a thick anxious energy filled
the room. We settled into our chairs, with Yvonne and Sally facing one another.
I sat to the side between them. I began the session with some deep breathing
exercises. We closed our eyes, relaxed our bodies, and released the tense
energy among us. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>In our private sessions, Yvonne had shared with me that
whenever she tried to talk to her mom in the past about the abuse, her mom
always defended or excused her behaviors around not protecting Yvonne.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, before Yvonne shared her betrayal
narrative, I provided Sally with a list of “reflective listening phrases” –
such as “I hear you saying ….” Or “Could you tell me more…I want to
understand…“<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also modeled this
reflective listening skill for Sally as she would be asked to respond to her
daughter at designated times.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>What happened next was like witnessing the shredding of a Blanket
of Shame – a Blanket woven together with years of broken trust, shattered
beliefs, and profound violations.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
Blanket that held this Daughter and Mother relationship hostage to years of unspeakable
pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yvonne took in a deep breath. She glanced down at her notes
and began reading, <b>“I was born into Shame. I never had a chance….”</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>For the next forty-five minutes or so, Yvonne bravely shared
her truths</b>. At times her voice quivered and she cried. At times, she gathered
her strength and strongly voiced her feelings of “not mattering, being
invisible, and being completely lost and alone.” The betrayals mounted. And
then, compounded. Yvonne remained steadfast. As she revealed her truths, she
released additional layers of Shame. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Intermittently, I asked Yvonne to pause. To give herself a
moment of rest.</b> Then, I turned to Sally and asked her to reflect what she
heard. Time and time again, Sally reverted to excusing and defending herself. I
politely stopped her. I again rehearsed the reflective responses with her.
Sally kept trying. I continued to intervene. Sally stayed with me and the
process. I knew this was hard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew
this practice was essential. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>In order to begin the healing process with our betrayer, the
betrayer must be willing – just as Sally was. The betrayer must be open to hearing our
truths. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b>The “reflective listening
exercise” is a tool that provides structure required for this process to unfold
safely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sally’s natural defenses were
to excuse and defend herself. However, by listening intently to her daughter
and being asked reflect back the truths Yvone shared, Sally let go of her
defenses and connected with her daughter’s pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>A</b></span></span><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>s Yvonne listened to and absorbed her mother’s reflections, which mirrored her pain, for the first time in her life, Yvonne felt seen,
heard, and understood. </b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b> </b></span> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>As Yvonne continued with her betrayal narrative and Sally
responded with empathy and compassion (using the reflective listening phrases),
there was a dramatic shift in the room.</b> I concluded our session with additional
deep breathing exercises.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tears of
sadness and despair were replaced by sighs of calm and connection. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the end of our session, the shredded Blanket
of Shame lay on the floor in pieces.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
its place was space for a new blanket of healing to be woven.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Homework for Session Three</b>:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For our next session, I asked Yvonne and
Sally to respond in writing to six questions that addressed – Our Relationship:
Past and Present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I asked them to spend time
on this, not rush through it. I asked them not to share their responses until
our next session. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal">Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/03/daughter-and-mother-story-of-healing_37.html"><b>Part Three</b></a></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>For more healing resources, visit <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley - Author, Therapist, Speaker</a></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>TEDx YouTube and TED.com</b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About </b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zRm7tZi0pZw" width="320" youtube-src-id="zRm7tZi0pZw"></iframe></div><br /><b><br /></b><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-35891877081753790712024-03-11T13:19:00.000-07:002024-03-11T13:22:38.674-07:00Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One <p><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One </b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZFceV3rnIefO5EgLkePGVuZAo2zK6l4cTc0KOaDu9W3FYYNpP1iCAU3Cf26vhyrwFlj-QnjTzW0WCiFaXcCX3XYw6O86vvgUcxPJjsLiWhQrlODNn1EuC7uOVsClH6F5JAz31xfzHDlTQRr4Siz1Qu_4fKYQCbcwFOG81bwFj4sMkHpuYW1XFWpEG6qo/s5376/AdobeStock_706593361.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3584" data-original-width="5376" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZFceV3rnIefO5EgLkePGVuZAo2zK6l4cTc0KOaDu9W3FYYNpP1iCAU3Cf26vhyrwFlj-QnjTzW0WCiFaXcCX3XYw6O86vvgUcxPJjsLiWhQrlODNn1EuC7uOVsClH6F5JAz31xfzHDlTQRr4Siz1Qu_4fKYQCbcwFOG81bwFj4sMkHpuYW1XFWpEG6qo/w640-h426/AdobeStock_706593361.jpeg" width="640" /></a></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><u>Introduction <o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years, until
several weeks ago I had never witnessed in a therapeutic session such profound
healing and hope that took place between a daughter and her mother.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span>Both women were vulnerable – filled with
“uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both women were brave. Both women were
willing to trust the process. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The Daughter and Mother session was an extension of my work
with my client – the Daughter, who I will call Yvonne</b>. In a prior blog, <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/02/shame-it-was-never-yours-to-carry.html"><b>Shame: It Was Never Yours To Carry</b></a>, I introduced Yvonne as a young woman who described
the genesis of her painful, abusive childhood in words I had never before heard:
<b>“I was born into Shame.” </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>In our ensuing sessions, Yvonne demonstrated her commitment
and courage to her recovery.</b> She and I processed her layers of Shame. Throughout
her entire life as a child, adolescent, and teen years, Yvonne was a victim of
horrific physical, emotional, and psychological abuse at the hands of her
father. Yvonne’s mother, who was also abused, did not intervene in any way to protect
Yvonne. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>After years of living in fear and with no hope for anything
changing, by high school Yvonne turned to alcohol and drugs in order to cope</b>. Her
young adult years were filled with shame and self-loathing behaviors. Eventually
Yvonne embraced recovery from her addiction. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today, Yvonne is strong in her sobriety and is
a happily married young wife, mother of two, and a successful entrepreneur.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>In our first session several months ago, Yvonne expressed a
strong desire to work through her feelings of betrayal towards her mother.</b> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As is true with so many of my clients, either
female or male, when either parent / guardian does not protect his / her
children from any kind of abuse or trauma (from anyone), those individuals feel
betrayed. After all, the primary role of a caregiver entrusted with the
wellbeing of a child is to protect that child from danger. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my research published in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Betrayed-Their-Mothers-Brokenness-ebook/dp/B079C9QR67?ref_=ast_author_dp&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.15gTAwQL_dcHglcqaipIiJEo8Wu-MYsZPj4ExrTVVXNlvNekuOGxC7fmHdpy78Ju8-chnsG-twr-3A7m5yqdBZK6kGEeTObwWnULtZzzMVYcjaAU9szWsrrIRssFSB-x6V-dQjE4sn3qJroaJPzpiuxKx8wSkH4Pu9BzOxEEecE.WWYx9tluTxYTLP1lbssjeU94cP8Lt1JWmL4LvPBsHlk&dib_tag=AUTHOR"><b>Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers</b></a>, that protective role is especially associated with “Mothers.”
It is true in many cases that Mothers may also be the primary perpetrators of
abuse. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>And so, with a solid level of healing guiding her decision,
Yvonne and I revisited the idea of inviting her mother into several of our
sessions with the purpose of healing Yvonne’s feelings of betrayal.</b> Yvonne’s
mother, who I will call Sally, lives in another state but would be visiting
Yvonne and her family for a couple of months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When Yvonne asked her mother if she would be willing to join her in
therapy, her mother agreed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>What took place over the next four weeks was
extraordinary.</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b> </b> </span>And I must say that as a
therapist, this process required skillful timing, precise but fluid guidance,
acute listening and reflection, and confidence rooted in my work with all kinds
of Betrayal, especially <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Betrayed-Their-Mothers-Brokenness-ebook/dp/B079C9QR67?ref_=ast_author_dp&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.15gTAwQL_dcHglcqaipIiJEo8Wu-MYsZPj4ExrTVVXNlvNekuOGxC7fmHdpy78Ju8-chnsG-twr-3A7m5yqdBZK6kGEeTObwWnULtZzzMVYcjaAU9szWsrrIRssFSB-x6V-dQjE4sn3qJroaJPzpiuxKx8wSkH4Pu9BzOxEEecE.WWYx9tluTxYTLP1lbssjeU94cP8Lt1JWmL4LvPBsHlk&dib_tag=AUTHOR">Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers</a>.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGg3k09II1ZicVLscifU3y7b_aR4fqwKr-j-Ru5-1AfQeQU3q1aiey1GNfwPg2xELkQuxCaOlRIhpZgMZm6UPWHUnujLwjSU7XDMJx2x_YrELrO2PpkMYQemG0ya3pivH74Ftkde5JB9XzAyTZpATtVEJE_5USR4V4xQ9V6yTeWqeq8MxHiAetNjqJEc/s6552/AdobeStock_590943464.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3744" data-original-width="6552" height="366" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigGg3k09II1ZicVLscifU3y7b_aR4fqwKr-j-Ru5-1AfQeQU3q1aiey1GNfwPg2xELkQuxCaOlRIhpZgMZm6UPWHUnujLwjSU7XDMJx2x_YrELrO2PpkMYQemG0ya3pivH74Ftkde5JB9XzAyTZpATtVEJE_5USR4V4xQ9V6yTeWqeq8MxHiAetNjqJEc/w640-h366/AdobeStock_590943464.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u>Session One: Meet and Greet <o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The first Daughter and Mother session was a casual meeting</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yvonne and her mother, Sally, attended
together. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we settled into our soft chairs,
there was a palpable nervousness buzzing in the air. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, I opened with a bit of small talk. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>After a few minutes, I turned to Yvonne</b>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I gently asked her to explain in her own words
why she wanted her mom to be in therapy together and what she hoped to
accomplish. Yvonne’s voice was strong yet tender. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When she finished, Sally acknowledged that she
understood the intentions of our conjoint sessions.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Next, I read through the Informed Consent for Guest
Counseling Agreement with Sally.</b> I carefully explained both legal and ethical
guidelines as well as expectations around outcomes for therapy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then, I described what the next three sessions
would entail. It was very important for both Yvonne and Sally to be prepared.
And as a therapist, while it was critical for me to guide Yvonne through this
delicate process with as much support as possible, I also did not want to
blindside Sally. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Both agreed to the process laid out.</b> As Yvonne and Sally
exited my office, I noticed the anxious buzz return just slightly. But I also
sensed it emanated out of hope, not fear. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Homework for Session Two</b>:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yvonne’s homework was to write out her entire
betrayal narrative – <span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>The Me You Cannot See.</b></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Detailed in chronological order, Yvonne was asked to describe her
painful truths about the abuse she endured and how her mother did not protect
her. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Sally was made aware of the assignment and that we would be
processing it in our next session.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b>Continue <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2024/03/daughter-and-mother-story-of-healing_11.html">Part Two</a></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">For more healing resources, please visit <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley - Author, Therapist, Speaker</a></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>TEDx YouTube and TED.com</b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About </b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/zRm7tZi0pZw" width="320" youtube-src-id="zRm7tZi0pZw"></iframe></div><br /><b><br /></b><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-43657879191917579402024-02-06T13:51:00.000-08:002024-02-21T11:01:31.989-08:00SHAME - It Was Never Yours To Carry<p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsWNqK9SDxDTAE4oHuOaaJnLthBXtN3jlnX6fnEmL6Rd2Q9z8wgnujJpbF6a0cmdOtEqCOmk2y7WdF9jCfJmJyeYOpFwrrhPpTuA65Kef9AtdX_k9J6OM0E0bSdIs97eZj7-8tsQKWjhWMYW3-1xLlH58MeBIGmFh3aomY1b2WCi0mbteT2l-s9H99i0/s2912/SHAME%20It%20was%20never%20yours%20to%20carry.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1632" data-original-width="2912" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIsWNqK9SDxDTAE4oHuOaaJnLthBXtN3jlnX6fnEmL6Rd2Q9z8wgnujJpbF6a0cmdOtEqCOmk2y7WdF9jCfJmJyeYOpFwrrhPpTuA65Kef9AtdX_k9J6OM0E0bSdIs97eZj7-8tsQKWjhWMYW3-1xLlH58MeBIGmFh3aomY1b2WCi0mbteT2l-s9H99i0/w400-h224/SHAME%20It%20was%20never%20yours%20to%20carry.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">I have been working in the field of psychology as a Marriage
and Family Therapist for over 25 years. In my work with clients healing from
all kinds of abuse, trauma, and betrayal, I have never heard the words a client
spoke to me a few weeks ago. They shook me to my core.<span style="text-align: center;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">"I WAS BORN <i>INTO</i> SHAME" </span></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI2hbCTJ2sbxAXLrUQMdkzItwb9poy2nIr2BlE9ekl73BquNDYOYOEHnSwEB8yjlBJpCZBnvN9-oyugs0rrRPh0iCAInmOVDQcb3COXXOV05IJGnNFCGRcET8G-_l41xA-76RiY48TVm6By-wFtjlOrQh9tKT24NXFDJWV3S1OzM8HBBj09HiX2yzEHX4/s955/Born%20Into%20Shame%20Blog%20v2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="955" data-original-width="926" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI2hbCTJ2sbxAXLrUQMdkzItwb9poy2nIr2BlE9ekl73BquNDYOYOEHnSwEB8yjlBJpCZBnvN9-oyugs0rrRPh0iCAInmOVDQcb3COXXOV05IJGnNFCGRcET8G-_l41xA-76RiY48TVm6By-wFtjlOrQh9tKT24NXFDJWV3S1OzM8HBBj09HiX2yzEHX4/w388-h400/Born%20Into%20Shame%20Blog%20v2.jpg" width="388" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">As I do with most of my clients who are healing from painful
wounding incurred within their families of origin, I tenderly begin by helping
them peel away their Outer Layers of Shame.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> The Outer Layers of Shame are the messages we tell oursleves about ourselves, our worth, and our value. These messages are formed from our life experiences. </span>You see, even though their injuries and injustices were inflicted upon
them, it is human nature for victims to feel responsible, to feel it is their
fault, and thus, to feel tremendous Shame. It is common to hear these life messages from clients: "I am not enough. I don't matter. I'm to blame. I am worthless."</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6YxWY-JxB6JJJ4U8yvQrVaXweKek50OtgPnTYgaBOa3nE5Rb4ucBJh9Qxej9FhwkVY2WvwyMfy4_e6oBLAS_Q-SmE08LxS15afXfT-gXXUbAW-HNzsJ-TGTSYQoPyVGzuGO8FEgccrsCvMFsLuzFxEZ2u-UpW9qOR8lQ10SeWltAY7gYC_KIh-wKTlqA/s1920/2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6YxWY-JxB6JJJ4U8yvQrVaXweKek50OtgPnTYgaBOa3nE5Rb4ucBJh9Qxej9FhwkVY2WvwyMfy4_e6oBLAS_Q-SmE08LxS15afXfT-gXXUbAW-HNzsJ-TGTSYQoPyVGzuGO8FEgccrsCvMFsLuzFxEZ2u-UpW9qOR8lQ10SeWltAY7gYC_KIh-wKTlqA/w400-h225/2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">And so, it was during a particularly sensitive session where
I was guiding a client (who I will call Yvonne) through her past abuses,
trauma, and a multitude of unspeakable betrayals, that I realized her Outer Layers of
Shame were suffocating her. They were like
a shroud tightly wrapped around her chest restricting her breathing and speaking.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUTbJWSsYZLqiYcWyAyhAx5hNjKH0WPvWbLT1KSpOr4K6CZ-XQfKyhgZxM-I_jPQIKnybsg08Rrpyk4hV-QuJOfYY-07B_Ba9wYakVcVzmPmNc3ffENn5DBZ8rNc7Ue0_LlK_b3VJckf9J0Bfl_I-TC04z5YyRFZwgzyXkwnLjuDwywqgxA1BGZOklhzM/s2912/Shroud%20of%20Shame.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1632" data-original-width="2912" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUTbJWSsYZLqiYcWyAyhAx5hNjKH0WPvWbLT1KSpOr4K6CZ-XQfKyhgZxM-I_jPQIKnybsg08Rrpyk4hV-QuJOfYY-07B_Ba9wYakVcVzmPmNc3ffENn5DBZ8rNc7Ue0_LlK_b3VJckf9J0Bfl_I-TC04z5YyRFZwgzyXkwnLjuDwywqgxA1BGZOklhzM/w400-h224/Shroud%20of%20Shame.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I knew we needed to continue, very slowly and tenderly. I
paused to give Yvonne time to ground herself. To feel safe again. I checked in
with her. And when Yvonne was ready, I gently asked her, “When was the first
time you can <i><b>ever </b></i>remember feeling Shame?”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yvonne sat quietly, not saying a word for several moments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I waited. Then, with tears welling in her
eyes and her voice quivering, she softly asserted, “I was born <i><b>into</b></i> Shame.” <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In that moment, I didn’t know if Yvonne realized or could begin
to comprehend the profound insight she had voiced. To be honest, I was
grappling with it myself. I was overcome by the longevity of Shame’s presence
in Yvonne’s life and of its devastating consequences. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I was simultaneously processing the
possibilities of freedom from them. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Our eyes connected. Holding the space with unconditional
positive regard, I reflected back to Yvonne, “I hear you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Your words are powerful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘I was born <i><b>into</b></i> Shame.’ Can you tell me more
about what you are feeling?”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For the first time in several weeks, as Yvonne spoke her
truths describing the damaging and destructive environment in which she was
raised, I sensed the Shroud of Shame was loosening its grip. Yvonne’s voice
took on a strength I had not heard before.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“My parents’ lives were so messed up, even before I was
born. When I came along, I didn’t have a chance.” Yvonne took in a deep breath.
The Shroud was unraveling. Her voice mirrored its release. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“My parents couldn’t live with their Shame, so
they took it out on me. I paid the price.” She repeated, “I never had a
chance.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yvonne and I have continued working together, peeling away
additional Outer Layers of Shame, identifying their sources, and tending to her Core of Shame. I believe our Core of Shame holds our deepest wounds of abuse, trauma, and betrayal. It is where our most inner personal and painful losses of self reside. Losses such as loss of identify, innocence, role, and reputation. Loss of being seen and of being heard. Together, within our safe and trusting therapeutic relationship, Yvonne is slowly and courageouosly recovering her "loss of self."</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6XbB4mjuKeluwOut9URlPrdFgcsrJ1ZJeQaC27X_uFM0ZKrgo75r4XDRyItV5xjlqleTUmGGAdoB-55KFPWaZKbf-bLZni8nR2rFK0yLS3lt1uFD7slPuxPRIacw3M-g63UXFrQ1FcBdxfp4SllXpYpUcoyUSr9k9oNt7uqWqN_bujN9hgzwB_HqM98/s1920/3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEge6XbB4mjuKeluwOut9URlPrdFgcsrJ1ZJeQaC27X_uFM0ZKrgo75r4XDRyItV5xjlqleTUmGGAdoB-55KFPWaZKbf-bLZni8nR2rFK0yLS3lt1uFD7slPuxPRIacw3M-g63UXFrQ1FcBdxfp4SllXpYpUcoyUSr9k9oNt7uqWqN_bujN9hgzwB_HqM98/w400-h225/3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal">But since the session where
Yvonne proclaimed her Truth, “I was born <b><i>into </i></b>Shame,” her newly freed voice is
rooted in resilience and an awakened sense of self. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the close of a recent session, as I usually do, I asked
Yvonne what she was learning. She bravely and boldly stated, “Holli, I was born
<i><b>into</b></i> Shame. But, I know now it was <i><b>never</b></i> mine to carry.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjukDB8ie3qrB9qn1uQhjp4_zE2_ObIMrGODYNno3Cksgt8E_Sjje-B4Ta27LUUC4MzlatH3mUunbEr7RYaUCIrT2a9JU9xiwHlRzXQfO98cFZDGeDsU10DFRTHCfh8IyvkPsmIBmelS6YHh5nZeajjKSrfD564LQY9qWKkRyFYXURizSPIa6fdj84mIbc/s2912/SHAME%20It%20was%20never%20mine%20to%20carry.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1632" data-original-width="2912" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjukDB8ie3qrB9qn1uQhjp4_zE2_ObIMrGODYNno3Cksgt8E_Sjje-B4Ta27LUUC4MzlatH3mUunbEr7RYaUCIrT2a9JU9xiwHlRzXQfO98cFZDGeDsU10DFRTHCfh8IyvkPsmIBmelS6YHh5nZeajjKSrfD564LQY9qWKkRyFYXURizSPIa6fdj84mIbc/w400-h224/SHAME%20It%20was%20never%20mine%20to%20carry.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> <u>A Note From Me To You</u></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Individuals who come from environments where their primary caregivers
were unwilling, unable, or incapable of taking care of them in the ways they
needed and deserved as children almost always feel responsible for their unhealthy
caregivers and their harmful behaviors.</b> Children assume their caregivers’ Shame
because there is no other explanation for why they are being mistreated. Sadly,
as children mature, they tend to engage in self-harming behaviors or be drawn to destructive relationships in
order to cope with the Shame they carry. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">If you are carrying someone else’s Shame, I encourage you to
honor yourself by choosing to heal from your wounding. <b>No one knows better than you what
you are feeling or what you are going through. And, no one else will take better
care of you – than you. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">To get started, I recommend seeking out a trusted professional such as a therapist, psychologist or counselor. If that is not possilbe, I’d like to recommend a couple of my books which you might find helpful I wrote them as though I am in therapy with you.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855" target="_blank"><b>Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within</b></a> is for anyone who has experienced any
kind of betrayal trauma. It is a compassionate guide and companion that will
take you step by step through the healing process from betrayal injury.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYUxVWfHjencfzFxd2CtnwD3t-biK20NseIzpYybyJsAskrfrxBQeeJvy6CqKaumqPsEGx2K1qzDTPhHofm-AwIsUig-HPLaCmU7X3C1ODHd3RviVeYHRoMqOtlDMfjivzDBXZwht2HW8FNh-D4z1uQdo2IT3q7hCA4BIE5IOSG2OfnrnjXwksHawZkrg/s1500/BTB%20cover.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1152" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYUxVWfHjencfzFxd2CtnwD3t-biK20NseIzpYybyJsAskrfrxBQeeJvy6CqKaumqPsEGx2K1qzDTPhHofm-AwIsUig-HPLaCmU7X3C1ODHd3RviVeYHRoMqOtlDMfjivzDBXZwht2HW8FNh-D4z1uQdo2IT3q7hCA4BIE5IOSG2OfnrnjXwksHawZkrg/w154-h200/BTB%20cover.jpg" width="154" /></a></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1615996281/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i9" target="_blank"><b>SHIFTING Bravely: A Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</b></a> is for anyone who is feeling stuck,
stagnant, or unsettled. Or for anyone who is tired of being in discomfort and
is longing for healthy change. This is a self-help book filled with exercises
to guide you on your journey.<o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJrCKikIMM5EH0_Kxp-n2vMrVeT7vnubu8S0DBxWF0Ye1KBjeT6tkQwIwOqaG-YLFc2ohf__8s6pNAEnZTuirNKe7RP7TTYWQo0YsimHKbWfIYcb8MY5KEwBJT82rX9bzDxt0FDOJhpHSiJ80mdLCso9hqVQd1rhyphenhyphenidVzeNx_CbdwHcozTwU68NdJe1A/s1024/ShiftingBravely_AudibleCover-JPG.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJrCKikIMM5EH0_Kxp-n2vMrVeT7vnubu8S0DBxWF0Ye1KBjeT6tkQwIwOqaG-YLFc2ohf__8s6pNAEnZTuirNKe7RP7TTYWQo0YsimHKbWfIYcb8MY5KEwBJT82rX9bzDxt0FDOJhpHSiJ80mdLCso9hqVQd1rhyphenhyphenidVzeNx_CbdwHcozTwU68NdJe1A/w200-h200/ShiftingBravely_AudibleCover-JPG.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Also, September 2022,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I gave my first TED Talk : <a href=" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRm7tZi0pZw " target="_blank">BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About</a>. It has resonnated with thousands of individuals. You are NOT alone. Others know your pain. Others are healing too. </b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpMUkICJN2XCrIvptt9KOewW6aopjsmAaUkAJHUIbSdxfniCvKFVTmvYO4F_J6H838sAIpJIFF9YxuRkCVG0W9e4jfB47sEt6jA_f8Xpbg9_EYAICjq_8Dl5vQ2kuEhcpQ4XVcMVEhip2IVrZwKSNBHPTzqPGMvsx4Y8TEs1jzM6G2s7748qabTe9OUG8/s3837/21645.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2558" data-original-width="3837" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpMUkICJN2XCrIvptt9KOewW6aopjsmAaUkAJHUIbSdxfniCvKFVTmvYO4F_J6H838sAIpJIFF9YxuRkCVG0W9e4jfB47sEt6jA_f8Xpbg9_EYAICjq_8Dl5vQ2kuEhcpQ4XVcMVEhip2IVrZwKSNBHPTzqPGMvsx4Y8TEs1jzM6G2s7748qabTe9OUG8/s320/21645.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-19940357042868932352023-07-07T11:26:00.003-07:002023-07-07T11:26:44.721-07:00Through A Mother's Eyes: Remembering My Son-In-Law DAVID B. PETERSON<p>On Tuesday, May 9, 2023, my beloved son-in-law <b>David B. Peterson</b> passed away after suffering a complication incurred from a previous stroke. Over the weekend of May 23-25, David was honored with a Celebration of Life. </p><p>In their desire to further honor David's life, family and friends established the <a href="https://craighospital.org/foundation/david-b-peterson-memorial"><b>David B. Peterson Memorial</b> </a> through the Craig Foundation,<span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"> (</span><span style="background-color: white; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline;"><b style="font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; font-style: italic;">providing unparalleled neurorehabilitation and support for people who have sustained a life-altering brain and/or spinal cord injury by providing a safety net for patients and families whose financial means are inadequate to meet the financial burdens associated with ‘going home.’ </b><span style="font-family: inherit;"><b style="font-size: small; font-style: italic;"> </b>Your contributions are welcomed and appreciated. </span></span></p><p>For twenty-two years, it was an honor to have David as a part of our family. We miss him. We love him.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_bNpDW5jFe0eP5LVemRq_TIg59u_0-j7CD7gGODlGp6W2mhXFSp9oietzz5r3htxqqH3D88ZBVWPTGPuGwRzB2ZRw9eENn6V8vzOLvzEqqKGEfZv1AFQw5wq6LeyfflVp6nSqcBCG6u15SXH7LLX2hklb-Ie4idNt_eAY1eZFHbzCb7RVnXMquG03WUE/s1024/David%20B.%20Peterson.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="669" data-original-width="1024" height="209" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_bNpDW5jFe0eP5LVemRq_TIg59u_0-j7CD7gGODlGp6W2mhXFSp9oietzz5r3htxqqH3D88ZBVWPTGPuGwRzB2ZRw9eENn6V8vzOLvzEqqKGEfZv1AFQw5wq6LeyfflVp6nSqcBCG6u15SXH7LLX2hklb-Ie4idNt_eAY1eZFHbzCb7RVnXMquG03WUE/s320/David%20B.%20Peterson.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></div><b><br /></b><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Through a Mother’s Eyes<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>Remembering My Son-In-Law </i>DAVID B. PETERSON</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">A sparkle emerged<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Landed in my daughter’s eyes<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Yes, love at first sight<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">His name is David<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">He enters our family<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Soft. Kind. One of Us.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">A mother watches and waits<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Two beings blend and balance<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Their lives into one<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Generous David<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Bringing joy to my daughter<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Travel. Food. Wine. Music.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Years pass as love grows<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">A home. A puppy. A wedding.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">A mother’s heart is full<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">David, son-in-law<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Is that how the world knows you?<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">This mother is so proud<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">David, dream-maker<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Calistoga. A new home. <o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 107%; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Two hearts open to all<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Success, the world’s best<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">It does not go to your head<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">But it does to mine<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Tragedy. A stroke<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Heartbreak. Humor finds a voice<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">You call me Mommy<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">You become my Cubs<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">David. Alexis. Cabi.<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Mamma Bear protects<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">David, Cub of Ours<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Your Legacy of Love Lives<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Sparkle in our Eyes<o:p></o:p></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyBd3oEvTfCaN7wLgmBy3KkaOkAnSQEHebSRUlzthpaqKpl_8e-VfSv3XTRt5yISIFVcJuGYegHp7LLHuCPO_msiGWqpFYXVz699qzsP94RV1V3sA2ShG7r5u7RViGyAZhbOrmFp4Jk1bZpRhMGdAi5gkUvSmxAF2l1-zWJFgcNdsAX-gVCTrQHAruIiA/s4000/IMG_20211112_183130384_BURST000_COVER_TOP.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="4000" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyBd3oEvTfCaN7wLgmBy3KkaOkAnSQEHebSRUlzthpaqKpl_8e-VfSv3XTRt5yISIFVcJuGYegHp7LLHuCPO_msiGWqpFYXVz699qzsP94RV1V3sA2ShG7r5u7RViGyAZhbOrmFp4Jk1bZpRhMGdAi5gkUvSmxAF2l1-zWJFgcNdsAX-gVCTrQHAruIiA/s320/IMG_20211112_183130384_BURST000_COVER_TOP.jpg" width="320" /></a></b></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>November 2021</b></p><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><o:p><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></o:p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-87555330115516504412023-02-20T17:02:00.036-08:002023-02-21T06:42:16.387-08:00We Are Betraying Our Children and They Are Dying: Three Actions To Take Right Now<p><b><u><span style="font-size: medium;"> A Wake-up Call</span></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Parents and Guardians and anyone entrusted with the care and
wellbeing of our children, today’s blog is <b>A Wake-Up Call.</b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWt-MZBY5i4nqz9f1qu4VyzzCYxMY0ZPBaWQMOuzmlXGDEmpkS6S1L0KLnTorurOb7zy3_wrt02OAIx5juF5grp7kwz6QGYGZMHjkuzUx7MjxjeYlTQMKv0ZG5ovhPmB-oFoFYaB8nNjrOBx0q3YjMcN4EgYzR3KCKp1Bw4pKydjOI2io-OGzD_mX/s5054/AdobeStock_69380413.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3370" data-original-width="5054" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZWt-MZBY5i4nqz9f1qu4VyzzCYxMY0ZPBaWQMOuzmlXGDEmpkS6S1L0KLnTorurOb7zy3_wrt02OAIx5juF5grp7kwz6QGYGZMHjkuzUx7MjxjeYlTQMKv0ZG5ovhPmB-oFoFYaB8nNjrOBx0q3YjMcN4EgYzR3KCKp1Bw4pKydjOI2io-OGzD_mX/w400-h266/AdobeStock_69380413.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
<p class="MsoNormal">On the news this last week, the CDC released a report titled <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/data/yrbs/index.htm" target="_blank">Youth Risk Behavior Survey</a>. This was a two-year
survey of 9<sup>th</sup> – 12<sup>th</sup> graders across the country about a
range of health behaviors and experiences. The results also validate trends
over the past decade.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>The statistics are startling but not surprising.<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">11% of all teens reported facing sexual violence in the past
year. 18% of girls and 22% of LGBTQ youth.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">60% of teen girls had depressive symptoms in the past year (highest
level in a decade).<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Suicide rates have sky-rocketed. One in three girls reported
seriously considering suicide in the past year (60% rise from a decade ago).<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Teen girls who experienced sexual violence increased 20%
between 2017 and 2021.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">52% of teens experienced poor mental health in the past
year. One in five had attempted suicide during that time.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span style="font-size: medium;">Our Children Are Suffering</span><o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Although this report focused on teen girls, research over
the past decade supports similar findings that the mental health of our youth –
both male and female - is in crisis.</b> Our children are suffering in increasing
numbers. A few of the symptoms include the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Anxiety<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Depression <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Eating Disorders <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Video game addiction<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Self-harming behaviors such as cutting and burning<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Intense feelings of worthlessness and loneliness /
suicidality</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span style="font-size: medium;">Agreement On Causation</span><o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Along with many other experts, I have been researching and
studying the decline in our children’s mental health since 2006. Although there may be underlying organic
pathology and individual sensitivities and considerations, there is agreement
on causation.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>Our children’s psychological health and emotional
wellbeing are being damaged by their dependence on their electronic
devices and their exposure to and interaction with indirect forms of
socialization and communication. <o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span style="font-size: medium;">This Is The Truth</span><o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>This is the truth.</b>
The more time children spend on their devices for social interaction and
communication and the more time they spend on social media, the more they feel
unhappy, anxious, sad, lonely, insecure, empty, and worthless. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>This is the truth.</b> As
children become more depressed and isolated, they spend more time on their
devices searching for acceptance, belonging, and trying to be enough. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>This is the truth</b>. The more our children search for their
worth on social media, the more vulnerable they become - falling prey to
at-risk behaviors and online predators. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We are NOT responsible for what we don't know. But, we know the truth.</p><p class="MsoNormal">When we know what is harming our children and we don't say something or do something, we are lying to them.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u>Our Children Are Being Betrayed<o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">My words are strong.
They are intended to be. I am
very angry. I am sick and tired of our children harming themselves and taking
their own lives, especially when the elephant in the room is NOT being
addressed.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The elephant is the cause:
Social media apps have been developed to keep us coming back – to keep
us addicted. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Parents and Guardians, we are betraying our children </span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">by giving
them too much access to their technology and too soon. </span></b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As one expert said, “Our children are not being raised <b>with</b>
technology, but <b>by </b>technology.” (Dr. Kathy Koch)</p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><u><span style="font-size: medium;">Three Actions To Take Right Now</span><o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="color: #073763; font-size: medium;">Action One: Become Informed </span><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Parents and Guardians, you are on the front lines. Schools
can’t fix this. Teachers can’t fix this.
Saving our children starts at home. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"> Please become informed. Please read one or more of the following books. These are dedicated experts who care about your children!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Disconnected-Reconnect-Digitally-Distracted-Kids/dp/1541130979" target="_blank">Disconnected</a> - Thomas Kiersting <br /></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Screens-Teens-Connecting-Wireless-World/dp/0802412696" target="_blank">Screens and Teens </a> - Dr. Kathy Koch<br /></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Reset-Your-Childs-Brain-Screen-Time/dp/1608682846" target="_blank">Reset Your Child's Brain</a> - Dr. Victoria Dunkley<br /></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/iGen-Super-Connected-Rebellious-Happy-Adulthood/dp/1501151983" target="_blank">iGen</a>- Dr. Jean Twenge <br /></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Glow-Kids-Screen-Addiction-Hijacking/dp/1250097991" target="_blank">Glow Kids</a> - Dr. Nicholas Kadaras </b></p><p class="MsoNormal">Please check out the following websites:</p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://screenstrong.org" target="_blank"><b>Screen Strong</b></a><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.fosi.org" target="_blank"><b>Family Online Safety Institute</b></a><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.humanetech.com" target="_blank"><b>Center for Humane Technology</b></a><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.thescreenagersproject.com/" target="_blank">The Screenagers Project</a> </b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="color: #073763; font-size: medium;">Action Two: Reset Your Entire Family</span><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Parents and Guardians, we must make changes too. We MUST
model what we expect of our children. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I have written two books that will guide you step by step in
resetting your family.<b> </b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b>It's NOT about banning technology. It's about finding a healthy balance!<o:p></o:p></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Power-Down-Parent-Dependence-Tech-Healthy/dp/1615993509" target="_blank">Power Down & Parent Up</a><br /></b></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Pilates-Parenting-Stretch-Yourself-Strengthen/dp/1615994874" target="_blank"><b>Pilates For Parenting: Stretch Yourself and Strengthen Your Family</b></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"> In addition, if “gaming” has become a problem in your
family, especially with your children, please check out the following site.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><a href="https://gamequitters.com" target="_blank">Game Quitters</a> - Cam Adair </b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="color: #073763; font-size: medium;">Action Three: Do The Hard Work Up Front</span><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Parents and Guardians, I was a middle and high-school
teacher for over 25 years. I am also a
mother. It is hard to go against the flow. But, just becasue everyone has a phone or everyone is on social media doesn't mean that it is healthy!</p><p class="MsoNormal">Whether we are addressing drug and
alcohol addiction or screen addiction, <b>it is better to do the hard work up
front than to live with the heartache in the end. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">I heard on the news last night that a school district in
Washington is suing several social media sites for the damage caused to their
students’ mental health. They don’t have
enough counselors to deal with depressed, anxious, suicidal students. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Like so many other issues, why do we wait until there is a
crisis?<b> </b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Let’s stop being reactive. Let’s start being proactive. </span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Let’s start taking care of our own children. NOW!</span></b> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiylv7Aw4PiZn03aMmbid3JvaMo6g1zlNJfu7BJa27YrdK4DPbPYSz_HoR117PtUvukrjbTB9NEcqnZuMYxSsoigl7uxTEAI6Qfn93Muzyvn_CdCZ-90wgZh--ypPYoQEmlAKzawnoGKscQSC5rk5Z9l859li57FqlvfRWPV6ezYycSnf8iGkaZH-a4/s5472/PFP%20Cool%20Down%20PP.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3653" data-original-width="5472" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiylv7Aw4PiZn03aMmbid3JvaMo6g1zlNJfu7BJa27YrdK4DPbPYSz_HoR117PtUvukrjbTB9NEcqnZuMYxSsoigl7uxTEAI6Qfn93Muzyvn_CdCZ-90wgZh--ypPYoQEmlAKzawnoGKscQSC5rk5Z9l859li57FqlvfRWPV6ezYycSnf8iGkaZH-a4/w400-h268/PFP%20Cool%20Down%20PP.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><o:p>For more resources, please visit</o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><o:p><a href="https://www.hollikenley.com" target="_blank"><b>Holli Kenley - Author, Therapist, Speaker</b></a><br /></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/stores/Holli-Kenley/author/B003299A5C?ref=ap_rdr&store_ref=ap_rdr&isDramIntegrated=true&shoppingPortalEnabled=true" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Amazon</b></span></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlvPUAIkSXkNKps1BT3dMSON0MUjgmqfsHT-s6gaspJYsoW3HJTv-UpYUSLUnWI9Lfg9pik6zyL0I5JpEmnl9vkNf2iMzbFNYCVFpTBfWiQW01CAZdZ60fKRvUHOEyzN30yN3yqqj6TjfcQ-D89gK9jgrNvWfAfPUnqoVxVAriDuMPpkQgMEgbj9Lt/s250/PdPu_250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="167" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlvPUAIkSXkNKps1BT3dMSON0MUjgmqfsHT-s6gaspJYsoW3HJTv-UpYUSLUnWI9Lfg9pik6zyL0I5JpEmnl9vkNf2iMzbFNYCVFpTBfWiQW01CAZdZ60fKRvUHOEyzN30yN3yqqj6TjfcQ-D89gK9jgrNvWfAfPUnqoVxVAriDuMPpkQgMEgbj9Lt/w267-h400/PdPu_250.jpg" width="267" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDV3Su6lVlM39TT5EKlGSI6b0HmjQ5xYubc5Dx5TSyupmHDtEwVNebHvRZJLMYicMYXjkcclc5yEG0Mugmj-DZuX8AnsSONrGuHnA6aZ-OY-ll0JK5IH6cImwFUUtS4U4wsAkdYuJQn15A3zandri0efdf2c0-n6jfWkRDLf_YcK8zA-BN5eTYj2oa/s339/PFP%20NEW%20IMAGE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="339" data-original-width="260" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDV3Su6lVlM39TT5EKlGSI6b0HmjQ5xYubc5Dx5TSyupmHDtEwVNebHvRZJLMYicMYXjkcclc5yEG0Mugmj-DZuX8AnsSONrGuHnA6aZ-OY-ll0JK5IH6cImwFUUtS4U4wsAkdYuJQn15A3zandri0efdf2c0-n6jfWkRDLf_YcK8zA-BN5eTYj2oa/w306-h400/PFP%20NEW%20IMAGE.jpg" width="306" /></a></div><br /><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-39505699413206177632022-12-12T12:23:00.017-08:002022-12-12T12:34:21.939-08:00Inside "Glass Castles," Parents Betray Their Children<p><b>I'm Holli Kenley. I work in the field of psychology as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am the author of four books on BETRAYAL, and I consider myself a thought-leader on BETRAYAL Trauma and how to recover from it. My TED Talk <a href="https://youtu.be/zRm7tZi0pZw">BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About</a> was recently released.</b></p><p>When we think of BETRAYAL, for most of us our minds go to issues of infidelity. Sadly, it has been my experience that one of the most common forms of BETRAYAL is not infidelity -- <b>it is Parental Betrayal. </b></p><p><b>Currently in my private practice, all my adult clients have been victims of Parental Betrayal -</b>p<b>rimary caregivers (parents or guardians) who were encharged with loving and protecting their children and who failed to do so.</b> In fact, for most of my clients their caregivers <i style="font-weight: bold;">are the perpetrators -- </i>individuals who<i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i>inflicted harm and abuse upon them. Or, caregivers were aware of their children being abused by a family member or relative (or other individuals), and they did not prevent it from happening or take steps to safeguard their children from further harm. </p><p>The trauma from Parental Betrayal is horrific. Several years ago, I posted today's blog. It has resonnated with hundreds of individuals. I am reposting it and updating a few resources. <b>Please know, if you have experiences childhood abuse, you are not alone: Inside Glass Castles, Parents Betray Their Children.</b> <b>I want you to know that healing our Parental Betrayals is possible. I witness it every day. </b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBdGrIl6DG8GLK6OUgdfzkN30KHtrgL3XSRvgBD4fSSdt_ZUs0qP6slHJx9XtNcEvpNqmWogpFxjEi41mIFFJYa4Z4ipDyTjmAT2g8PwTl7USUNZWLhPkiUw18iWrfpwbreo4xVwqbh_5C1dY8oS_TyDQRiF7ht7hcRuF8R5N5yeZ3et0iVIQiazUU/s5580/Inside%20Glass%20Castles.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3720" data-original-width="5580" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBdGrIl6DG8GLK6OUgdfzkN30KHtrgL3XSRvgBD4fSSdt_ZUs0qP6slHJx9XtNcEvpNqmWogpFxjEi41mIFFJYa4Z4ipDyTjmAT2g8PwTl7USUNZWLhPkiUw18iWrfpwbreo4xVwqbh_5C1dY8oS_TyDQRiF7ht7hcRuF8R5N5yeZ3et0iVIQiazUU/s320/Inside%20Glass%20Castles.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p> <b>"The Glass Castle" is a film based on the best-selling memoir by Jeanette Walls. It is painful and powerful. It is heartwarming and heartbreaking.</b> Jeanette Walls, despite being raised in a chaotic and negligent environment, broke free from the bonds of family dysfunction and built a life for herself as an accomplished journalist. Today's blog is not a review of the movie nor is it a commentary on how Jeanette's story has touched the hearts and souls of its readers and viewers. After seeing the movie, <b>although I was moved by Jeanette's triumph over tragedy,</b> <b>I was reminded that it came at a cost.</b> </p><div>Over the past fifteen years, I have written and spoken about BETRAYAL. It is a topic I am comfortable with and passionate about. When we think of BETRAYAL, we tend to view it soleu as "broken trust in a relationship." It is indeed that. However, there are other explanations. In <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Edition/dp/1615992855/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1454085524&sr=1-1"><b>"Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition,"</b></a> I explain betrayal in three ways:</div><div><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">An investment into someone or something met with rejection and/or abandonment. </span></b></i><br /><i><b><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></b></i></div></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">A profound trust in someone or something which is profoundly violated.</span></i></b><br /><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;"><br /></span></i></b></div></div><div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">A belief which is shattered or a truth that becomes a lie. </span></i></b></div></div><div><br /></div><div>Although there is crossover among the explanations, each one also stands alone in its injurious impact on victims. I believe that all three definitions apply to Jeanette Walls and her siblings; however, the one which connected with their story the most was, <b>"A profound trust in someone or something which is profoundly violated." </b></div><div><br /></div><div>In <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Edition/dp/1615992855/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1454085524&sr=1-1">"<b>Breaking Through Betrayal"</b></a>, I describe two kinds of trust:<br />1. Trust as an innate emotion<br />2. Trust as an extension of us<br /><br />For the purpose of explaining betrayal in relationship to "Inside Glass Castles," we will examine trust as an innate emotion. This is the kind of trust which forms naturally within us. It is a preconceived bond, an almost supernatural current within us and/or between us.This is the mother-child trust. This is the father-child trust. And this is important. <b>This is the trust which children innately feel for their parents, guardians, and caregivers because of who they are and the roles they hold.</b><br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">When mothers, fathers, step-parents, grandparents, etc.</span></b></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0b5394;"> misuse, abuse, and betray the "reponsibility" of trust bestowed upon them,</span></b></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0b5394;"> this parental violation has prolific and profound consequences on the children.</span></b></i></div></div><div><br /></div><div>In addition to the violation of trust itself, there is another component which makes this kind of betrayal extremely damaging. <b>All victims, especially children, carry around a great deal of shame, guilt, and a plethora of self-deprecating life messages because they feel the lack of parenting is somehow their fault.</b> To compound the shame and guilt, when the standard of care falls into a pit of chaos and negligence where children are required to take on the parental roles, layers of confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness also take hold within them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Jeanette Walls, her older sister, and her younger brother took on the parental roles of their household. However, the deeply entrenched inadequacies and extreme inconsistencies of their parents continued to betray them on multiple levels. Their basic needs for food, clothing, and shelter were not met. Although it was evident that Jeanette's dad expressed his love for his children and his authority over them, other needs such safety, security, and sanitation were lacking. <b>When children's needs take a back seat to the unhealthy behaviors of parents, or when children's basic needs are not met, their internal dialogue plays out in life messages such as the following:</b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">I am invisible.</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">I do not matter.</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">I am not enough.</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">I am on my own.</span></b><br /><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">I don't belong here. </span></b><br /><b><span style="color: #0b5394;">Why did they have me?</span></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>These internal messages greatly damage a child's core being and erode a child's sense of worth and mattering. These painful life messages require a tremendous amount of recovering to repair, and it takes a committed process of healing in order to replace them with healthy life messages. </div><div><br /></div><div>There is one final factor about parental violation of trust which is paramount to understanding its depth of devastation. It is difficult for anyone to stand up to one's betrayer. <b>For a child, adolescent, or teen to stand up to parent/s who are the betrayers - the violators of their trust - is extremely complex and complicated.</b> Not only do internal loyalties wage war with one's psyche, but societal expectations, cultural norms, and familial traditions demand its silencing. Too often when victims find the courage to speak their truths, they are shamed by their parents (or caregivers), by their extended families, and by their communities. Often, victims default to their defense mechanisms, desperately trying to make sense out of the betrayers' actions. Others seek to diminish them. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #0b5394;">Well, they did their best.</span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">I guess she did what she could.</span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">I accept he didn't know anything else.</span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">They were just repeating how they were raised.</span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">Well, I know they loved us. They just didn't know how to show it.</span></i></b><br /><br /><div><b>These rationalizations further betray children </b><br /><b>by minimizing their truths and normalizing their suffering.</b></div></div><div><br /></div><div>After moving to New York and establishing her career, Jeanette Walls did not disclose the truth about her past. When she became engaged to a successful businessman, she and her fiance' concocted a story about her parents and her background. Understandably, Jeanette was fearful she would be judged and not accepted into the world she had built for herself. <b>More importantly, she was not ready to do so. </b></div><div><br /></div><div>At the end of "The Glass Castle," Jeanette Walls, her older sister, younger brother (and his family), her younger sister, and Jeanette's mom arrived at Jeanette's home to celebrate Thanksgiving together. As they sat around the dinner table toasting their late father (and husband), the camera closed in on Jeanette's face.<b> In her tears, I saw a mixture of promise and of pain.</b><br /><br />After returning home from the movie, I googled Jeanette Walls. I came across an interview with her in "The New York Times Magazine" (May 24, 2013). Alex Witchel reported that "...she [Jeanette] seemed to make a clean break from her mother, who was still living in an East Village squat. But when it was damaged by a fire, Walls, alone among her siblings took Rose Mary (mom) in. Her brother, Brian, a retired policeman who lives in Brooklyn, finds it hard to be around his mother. Her younger sister, Maureen, stabbed Rose Mary in the back 20 years ago, before being given the diagnosis of schizophrenia; she now lives in California and claims she has no mother. Lori remains close to Rose Mary...though she lives in Manhattan." After reflecting on the concluding scene once again and contrasting it with the article, I was reminded...<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #0b5394;"><b>Parents who betray their children leave a legacy of brokenness. </b></span></i></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><b>Every day, in this country and all over the world, children are living in "glass castles" with parents who betray them. They are afraid to speak up and share their truths.</b> In 2005, Jeanette Walls wrote hers down. By doing so, she took the first step towards healing the wounds of parental betrayal. Her journey is not everyones'. In its various forms and different approaches, wellness awaits each of us. However, we must choose it and act upon it.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">Our healing begins by speaking our truths.</span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">Our suffering continues by not doing so. </span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>In order to provide you with a safe platform for speaking your truths and guide you on your journey from betrayal, I invite you to pick up a copy of <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Edition/dp/1615992855/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1454085524&sr=1-1"><b>"Breaking Through Betrayal."</b></a> I promise you...<b>You will not feel judged</b>. <b>Your pain will not be minimized.</b> It is a self-paced, compassionate companion for breaking free from the bonds of betrayal and recovering your peace within.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSnA2KM4FNLGlukeNp7WxHNqzLaVHh-tL5dwRmism0IhJbw-8fHe0s_hQoUj5njJUWzPaO-P7OXFLnWAsqnA2_6M-Wl-6C_cGr0WQi1Wxu6paEG-a5yiEJeZMLt8MZ6n9M_Ddq-HEMGz0/s1600/BreakingThroughBetrayal_cover.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1320" data-original-width="977" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSnA2KM4FNLGlukeNp7WxHNqzLaVHh-tL5dwRmism0IhJbw-8fHe0s_hQoUj5njJUWzPaO-P7OXFLnWAsqnA2_6M-Wl-6C_cGr0WQi1Wxu6paEG-a5yiEJeZMLt8MZ6n9M_Ddq-HEMGz0/w235-h320/BreakingThroughBetrayal_cover.jpg" width="235" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div>Before I leave you, I want to share a remarkable source of further hope and healing from betrayal. For two years, I interviewed daughters whose mothers were unable, unwilling, or incapable of showing up for their daughters in the ways we associate with healthy mothering. Their raw authentic narratives reveal their journeys from brokenness to wholeness. All daughters bravely share their truths. One daughter's truth speaks for many of us.<br /><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">"She probably did her best. For me, it was not enough." </span></i></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ8hToF7QKoKd0DoDpJR6GQHqqs7I_CiLc9NpY8LYBNphJHqizbqIJrndvHdHZMXTAx399jolEY8tL9bvgytfxgT10uMp_dtaFnKgMMI8hF1_4HpFKs5FcKNKLkEc1xKjnyZqQ_DXUOME/s1600/DBBTM+Photo.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1399" data-original-width="935" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ8hToF7QKoKd0DoDpJR6GQHqqs7I_CiLc9NpY8LYBNphJHqizbqIJrndvHdHZMXTAx399jolEY8tL9bvgytfxgT10uMp_dtaFnKgMMI8hF1_4HpFKs5FcKNKLkEc1xKjnyZqQ_DXUOME/s320/DBBTM+Photo.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>Top Amazon Ranking in Recovery!!</b></span></td></tr></tbody></table><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Betrayed-Their-Mothers-Brokenness/dp/1615993479/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=">Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness</a><br /></b><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiihHKwqhOEwzyg1VsZOKo6hCX54oXR0K-5cAXdjcS4YB27ZH_4nOpjOFpsLaxWU2SrkpbvrtgGXTe8koCMwn0Gnp5ifZtUon8Nc-x2a4cgNrfI76V737Da1NgP7zdkZdcWRCax-yREQSO1dHESPYHYYOjY_qKMZ3eOQ8XRucoP0QyUY0rLELjTnY8H/s1440/TED%20Talk%20Photo%20Stars.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1283" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiihHKwqhOEwzyg1VsZOKo6hCX54oXR0K-5cAXdjcS4YB27ZH_4nOpjOFpsLaxWU2SrkpbvrtgGXTe8koCMwn0Gnp5ifZtUon8Nc-x2a4cgNrfI76V737Da1NgP7zdkZdcWRCax-yREQSO1dHESPYHYYOjY_qKMZ3eOQ8XRucoP0QyUY0rLELjTnY8H/s320/TED%20Talk%20Photo%20Stars.jpg" width="285" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://youtu.be/zRm7tZi0pZw"><b>TED Talk: BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About </b></a><br /></div><b> </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div></div><div style="text-align: center;">For more support and resources, visit <a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley - Recovering Process / Betrayal</a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">For additional support, please visit <a href="https://www.facebook.com/groups/NAASCA"><b>National Association of Adult Survivors of Child Abuse - Facebook </b></a><br /><br />Like us on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook Author Holli Kenley</a><br /><br />Follow us on <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a> and <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div> </div><div><br /></div>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-73220329772150876452022-11-26T11:53:00.022-08:002023-04-24T13:20:15.221-07:00Forgiveness Does Not Heal Betrayal: Here's Why <p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiwz_c_iFTtkRzb-NrSnwKr2VnkAFtUXuso74uW6Fhefgf1ax8bUa5WLkn2ra58KxtIptbH83obvkxe7edfp2TdBs6l6wzvKDLkQkdFVlJqca0TnPPjKvdGJ4E_7-fnL4ShBcSuTJrYub0tUSzfTArZ-hz1xSUFl4S_cCCvlxs9GJi5XF4_KTPKti5/s4179/Forgiveness%20Does%20Not%20Heal%20Betrayal%20v2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2407" data-original-width="4179" height="368" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiwz_c_iFTtkRzb-NrSnwKr2VnkAFtUXuso74uW6Fhefgf1ax8bUa5WLkn2ra58KxtIptbH83obvkxe7edfp2TdBs6l6wzvKDLkQkdFVlJqca0TnPPjKvdGJ4E_7-fnL4ShBcSuTJrYub0tUSzfTArZ-hz1xSUFl4S_cCCvlxs9GJi5XF4_KTPKti5/w640-h368/Forgiveness%20Does%20Not%20Heal%20Betrayal%20v2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><p><b>Recently I gave a TED Talk </b>- <a href="https://youtu.be/zRm7tZi0pZw"><b>BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About</b></a>. At the beginning of the talk I asked the audience two questions:</p><p>"If you have ever felt betrayed, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive? And if you tried any of those things, have you felt better....or bitter?"</p><p></p><p>With over ten thousand hours in session as a Licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist working with clients healing from betrayal, I've heard from hundreds
of individuals who have wondered why they still are stuck in the pain of their
betrayal injury, even after they have forgiven their betrayer/s. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Based on years of researching and analyzing betrayal and on my professional
experience, I believe <b>Forgiveness Does Not Heal Betrayal. Here's Why. </b><o:p></o:p></p><p><b><u>Healing From Betrayal - Concept #1</u></b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Practicing forgiveness may release the hold the betrayer has on you.<o:p></o:p></b></span></i></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #20124d;"><b>But it does not heal the betrayal wound.</b></span></i><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>I want to acknowledge that practicing forgiveness holds deep meaning in many
faiths, spiritual practices, and it is a sacred ritual incorporated in a myriad
of cultures and belief systems. When we have been betrayed by someone or
something, we experience unspeakable anger, resentment, and even hatred. If we
do not let go of these painful feelings, we are held hostage by them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are not free from them or our betrayer/s. <b>Practicing forgiveness is a gift to ourselves
– releasing us from our betrayer/s and filling us with peaceful acceptance.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>At the same time, based on my research and experience, practicing
forgiveness does not heal the betrayal wound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>And this is where many individuals feel stuck and wonder what is wrong
with them. <b>Yes, they have forgiven their betrayer/s. But, there is still a
wound festering inside. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>As I share in my <a href="https://youtu.be/zRm7tZi0pZw"><b>TED Talk</b></a>, when we are betrayed, we experience a loss that
is rarely discussed - the <b><i>Loss of Self</i>.</b> And, unless and until this beatrayal wound - the <b><i>Loss
of Self</i> - </b>is accessed, acknowledged, and addressed, we will remain stuck in
our betrayal pain. Recovering the <b><i>Loss of Self</i> </b>is hard work. <b>The <i>Loss
of Self</i> is comprised of deeply inner-personal losses that are typically
buried beneath layers of shame. It is painful to talk about them.</b></p><p><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>For example, have you ever experienced any of these deeply inner-personal losses? <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Innocence and Identity<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Reputation and Role<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Privacy and Safety<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and Self-Respect <o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Human Dignity and Human Rights<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Being Seen and Being Heard</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Thus, while it is important to practice forgiveness and release your
betrayer/s, <b>I want you to know that your journey to recovery from betrayal does
not end there. There is much work to do. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>In my book <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855"><b>Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within (2nd Edition)</b></a>, I
provide readers with a comprehensive process for healing from any kind of
betrayal injury. The first part of the book “Breaking Through Betrayal” begins
the process for recovering your<b> <i>Loss of Self</i>.</b></p><p><b><u>Healing From Betrayal - Concept #2</u></b></p>
<p>There is another component to consider when it comes to forgiveness and its
relationship to healing from betrayal. Although there are times when
forgiveness provides immediate and lasting relief, most of us who practice
forgiveness have experienced that it is not a “one and done” kind of thing. <b>We
may feel release for a while, and then when our pain resurfaces, we need to
forgive again. And again.</b> This is to be expected.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>However, with betrayal, there are two conditions that complicate the healing
process and that are not resolved through practicing forgiveness.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>First, for numerous reasons, many individuals choose to be in relationship
with their betrayer/s. For example, currently in my private practice, at least
two-thirds of my clients want to be in relationship with a member or members of
their family who have betrayed them. <b>Even though they have forgiven their betrayer/s,
they often find themselves being re-betrayed by them.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>A second condition that complicates the healing process is when individuals
are required to be in situations or circumstances in which they find themselves
coming face to face with their betrayer/s. For example, clients may have to
appear in court to testify in the betrayer’s presence. Or, I’ve worked with
many clients who must return to their place of work – facing their betrayer/s
on a daily basis. <b>Some clients experience on-going betrayals. Others struggle with triggers in their betrayal enviornments, leaving them feeling re-betrayed. </b></p><p><b></b>With both of these conditions, individuals who have forgiven their
betrayer/s but who continue to feel re-betrayed blame themselves. Clients have
reported to me that they feel tremendous shame and that “something is wrong
with them.” <b>There is, of course, nothing wrong with them. </b></p><p><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Does this mean that we can’t have relationships with our betrayer/s or
return to our betrayal environments? There is no absolute answer. It depends on
each individual and the complex injurious nature of each betrayal. <b>However, I
do know this with certainty. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #20124d;">Practicing forgiveness may release the hold the betrayer has on you.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #20124d;">But it does not provide you with healing that is well-integrated into your being nor prepare you
with strategies required for being in relationship with your betrayer/s or
navigating your betrayal environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></i></b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Although we can never eliminate being re-betrayed, we can lessen its injurious impact on us</b>. However, there is much
healing work to be done. In <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855"><b>Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within (2nd Edition)</b></a> , the second part continues
your work in recovering the <b><i>Loss of Self</i>.</b> And, it also guides you as you
learn how to integrate a series of sound, well-researched strategies into your healing
process.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>In closing, betrayal is a complicated and complex trauma. You might feel
frustrated after giving yourself time or trying to trust again. Or you might
feel it is your fault that forgiveness has not provided the relief you have
been seeking. <b>After fifteen years of helping others to heal their betrayal
wounds and in doing my own recovering work, I share these truths with you.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #20124d;">Forgiveness allows us to release our betrayer/s.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #20124d;">Healing our betrayal wounds releases our pain </span></i></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #20124d;">as we
recover ourselves along the way.</span></i></b><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://youtu.be/zRm7tZi0pZw">TED TALK </a><br /></b></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQwRJ5MS7kQwnF7pyaDbZHRRq-6ckyuJlfoROvm2jloC4_ZaNYmqNNSgD8DLf__VcJOclftJdAS2mdnQLbHDaURKnG07KSecBuCspUpWkMzjqluORKEg8jFhjIWc78bEyQRn7OUL5Vi65vVXN-DxBPvBOmfzVEcImhM9vphzVOr828Qj8ZFKU-wHK/s1440/Betrayal%20TED%20Pink%20Photo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="910" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQwRJ5MS7kQwnF7pyaDbZHRRq-6ckyuJlfoROvm2jloC4_ZaNYmqNNSgD8DLf__VcJOclftJdAS2mdnQLbHDaURKnG07KSecBuCspUpWkMzjqluORKEg8jFhjIWc78bEyQRn7OUL5Vi65vVXN-DxBPvBOmfzVEcImhM9vphzVOr828Qj8ZFKU-wHK/s320/Betrayal%20TED%20Pink%20Photo.jpg" width="202" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b> Additional Reading on BETRAYAL</b></o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Betrayed-Their-Mothers-Brokenness/dp/1615993479"><b>Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness</b></a></o:p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b> <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/hollikenley">Facebook</a> <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a></b></o:p></p><br /><p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-55964133759601704522022-10-09T17:50:00.048-07:002022-10-10T09:32:38.626-07:00Betrayal: The Loss No One Is Talking About | Holli Kenley, LMFT | TEDxMo...<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Have you ever felt betrayed? </div><div><br /></div><div>If so, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive and move on?</div><div><br /></div><div>And, if you tried any of those things, have you felt better or bitter?</div><div><br /></div><div>IF you have felt stuck in the pain of betrayal, I want you to know that there is a reason.</div><div><br /></div><div>Take a listen and find out what that is. </div><div><br /></div><iframe frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://youtube.com/embed/zRm7tZi0pZw" width="480"></iframe><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>If you are ready to heal from your betrayal, I invite you to RIGHT YOURSELF with..</b></div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within-dp-1615992855/dp/1615992855/ref=mt_other?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=">BREAKING THROUGH BETRAYAL: And Recovering The Peace Within</a><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">Amazon Top 100 Books In Recovery (ACOA)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU7l_hYjKp0hUpNNBn6amuXTNZFayqzA1cFg_7VL9JYKdZeG6RbXc1NXhvmQx2-pBNy1lfMvPqisNDjG0egWpLfbHi6_BiZrNPYQu8F2eCXBCdD4j4qerRz-VfGBmJXtcpSsTrBkQR-hNQi-7RFby8V0KGRbJk_ZwDFa3ByFBkPnqicXwNlcDs9yTc/s334/BTB%20100%20Amazon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="334" data-original-width="326" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU7l_hYjKp0hUpNNBn6amuXTNZFayqzA1cFg_7VL9JYKdZeG6RbXc1NXhvmQx2-pBNy1lfMvPqisNDjG0egWpLfbHi6_BiZrNPYQu8F2eCXBCdD4j4qerRz-VfGBmJXtcpSsTrBkQR-hNQi-7RFby8V0KGRbJk_ZwDFa3ByFBkPnqicXwNlcDs9yTc/s320/BTB%20100%20Amazon.jpg" width="312" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>For more healing resources, visit </b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="http://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a><br /></b></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b>Follow us <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram </a><a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">,</a> <a href="http://www.facebook.com/hollikenley">Facebook </a></b></div>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-32256540650874447632022-05-07T13:31:00.000-07:002022-05-07T13:31:15.655-07:00A Silent Pandemic: A Longing for Authentic Attachment <p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqGXgRV9UPwSVLf17sJJMh8wESownw8F_mWNkdh6VelZk4-RwFRkisTgALhv1brl6MHsXxxo6C_TlHO3RSndp-qEh3RlvzPTLbZH-9LjUl5RdcFF7W1H2jbx_PFDY48p6LlUiNcLHY7vN1wUx7YUtDG8_-4D_oypGxRYlUaFksQxKn92pRz8jXKOde/s4214/A%20Silent%20Pandemic%20A%20Longing%20for%20Authentic%20Attachment.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3559" data-original-width="4214" height="541" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqGXgRV9UPwSVLf17sJJMh8wESownw8F_mWNkdh6VelZk4-RwFRkisTgALhv1brl6MHsXxxo6C_TlHO3RSndp-qEh3RlvzPTLbZH-9LjUl5RdcFF7W1H2jbx_PFDY48p6LlUiNcLHY7vN1wUx7YUtDG8_-4D_oypGxRYlUaFksQxKn92pRz8jXKOde/w640-h541/A%20Silent%20Pandemic%20A%20Longing%20for%20Authentic%20Attachment.jpg" width="640" /></a></b></div><b><br /></b><p></p><p><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"Something was missing. I felt off." </span></b></p><p>A few months ago, I had the opportunity to present a virtual
parenting class in the state of Michigan. Nothing really new to me. Except this time, I was excited to reach a
broader audience -- nineteen library communities would be connecting through
one centralized district office.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 2:00 pm Pacific
Standard Time, I closed my blinds in my bright office and carefully arranged my
desk, white light, microphone, camera, materials, and double-checked my power-point
slides.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everything was ready.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At 2:40 pm, tech guru Phillip welcomed me into StreamYard,
the platform we would be utilizing. We chatted for a few minutes. Then, as
instructed, I uploaded my power-point. I struggled for moment as this format
was new to me. With Phillip’s help, we got everything working. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">We began promptly at 3:00 pm. For the next 90 minutes, I
stared at my screen delivering the workshop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I could not see any participants, I could not see Phillip, and I could
not see myself. I could not see the chat, although Phillip monitored it
beautifully. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">After the workshop, I sat alone in my office.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although the workshop went well, I felt off.
That evening I told my husband that something was missing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The next day, I still felt unsettled. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In my quiet time of reflection, I realized what was
off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I knew what I was missing – my need
for attachment to my audience. I needed to see them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I needed them to know they were seen by me. I
needed to experience human connection and its essential requirement for learning.
I wondered if parents needed it too?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt that with
all the wonders of technology that you are missing something? Is there a longing
inside of you for authentic attachment?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s pause for a moment and RETHINK our relationship with
our electronic devices.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"We have an attachment to our devices."</span></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Yes, these devices can make our lives easier. No question. We
depend on them for almost everything. We have them with us and on us. It isn’t
uncommon to spend hours each day holding them in our hands. Sometimes, we get
nervous when we can’t find our phones or we might feel anxious when we’re not
checking our messages, texts, etc. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
have an attachment to our devices. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
the 1950’s, Founder of Attachment Theory, Dr. John Bowlby (1969), identified
that “Prior to birth and from birth forward,” that a process of attachment –
where there is a presence of “lasting psychological connectedness between human
beings”— is necessary for healthy development. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Let’s take a closer look at what attachment is and how it
meets our needs.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">According to Dr. Saul McLeod, “Attachment can be defined as
a deep and enduring emotional bond between two people in which each seeks
closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure” (“Attachment
Theory.” Simple Psychology, 7 Feb. 2017).<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">The key words in this definition are “deep and enduring
emotional bond” and “each seeks closeness and feels more secure.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As we think about those words, we are left wondering if our
devices are meeting our need for a “deep and emotional bond” or for “closeness”
and feeling “more secure.” <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"It feels really good to be seen."</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">For the past several weeks, I have been working with a
couple who is struggling on many levels, especially around their communication.
The female partner gets frustrated when her expectations of her spouse are not
met and she becomes quite angry. The male partner detests conflict and quickly
shuts down when he is met with anger. He typically escapes into his phone or
video games.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Two weeks ago in session, I guided them through a three-part
exercise. Each partner took a turn expressing their feelings, the reasons
behind their feelings, and what each needed. They faced each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The looked into each other’s eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They held one another’s hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They did not interrupt each other. Each
listened intently and when it was time, each reflected back what was said. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Watching the couple, I could feel their authentic attachment
taking hold. They could too. Closeness moved in and pushed out detachment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Secure feelings emerged, squelching unsafe
ones. Tears rolled down their faces. Wadded up Kleenex balls filled the space
between them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">At the end of the session, the male partner turned to me and
said, “I’ve never been asked what I needed…I wasn’t even sure what to say.” As
he wiped more tears from his face, he added, “It feels good to be seen…really
seen.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">This is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
have established that we are attached to our devices and they can be critical
to meeting many of our needs. However, it is my belief that they cannot meet
the one basic inner personal need essential for healthy development within
ourselves and in our relationships– authentic attachment. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"Do you feel a deep sense of acceptance or belonging or of others <i>really</i> knowing you?"</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">What does authentic attachment look like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is when we feel “deep and enduring
emotional bonds.” Those bonds emerge and strengthen from experiencing rare
elements of authentic attachment: acceptance, belonging, being seen and being
valued, and being treated with unconditional positive regard.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Are you experiencing authentic attachment through your
relationship with your devices? Perhaps it is feeling more artificial than authentic?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">How would you know? Consider these questions:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Do you feel you are missing a deep sense of acceptance, or belonging, or of
others <i>really</i> knowing you… and seeing you?</p><p class="MsoNormal">Do you feel you don't matter? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As you scroll through photos, videos, images, and so on, does it feel like others are experiencing more friendships and have more and do more than you?</p><p class="MsoNormal">Does it ever feel like something is wrong with
you because everyone else looks so happy?<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">If you have answered 'yes' to any of these question, you are not alone.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"I feel like a failure."</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During the pandemic, I have been working with a vibrant,
entrepreneurial thirty-five-year-old mother of two little ones. I will call her
Claire. Even before the pandemic, Claire was working remotely, running several
businesses. Although we have worked diligently through her family of origin
dysfunction, Claire frequently reports feeling empty, alone, and unhappy.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">During a recent session, Claire has disclosed the following.
<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">“Holli, when I take a break from my online work and I get
the kids down for a nap, I escape into my social media. Everyone looks like
they have it all together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at
where they are going what they are doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I begin to doubt myself and the choices my husband and I are making.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And then, I visit other professional sites similar to mine
and I see their number of followers, likes, friends, connections…. I feel like
a failure.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">And then, Claire concluded, “Yes, I know what I am doing.
I’m caught up in this social comparison thing.”<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As we have been doing for some time, I ask Claire to revisit
her “Circles of Worth.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s an exercise
that reminds us of who we are, what we are attaching our worth to, and how we have
the power to define our authentic attachment.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"I know I am valuable and worthy. It's up to me to take back my power..."</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Claire calls up her <b>First Circle of Worth</b>:<b>What is </b>i<b>mportant to me?</b> Clair confidently identifies the
people, places, and things that are important to her and give her meaning and
value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As she recites them and reflects
upon them, she rediscovers her truths and recenters herself.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Claire moves to her <b>Second Circle of Worth</b>: <b>What is my Degree of Investment and Return on Investment?</b> Claire honestly assesses her
degree of investment into just the most important people, places, and things in
her life and she carefully examines the return on each investment. As she listens to herself
while evaluating the degrees of acceptance, belonging, and of mattering she
receives from each one, she reconnects to her authentic sources of attachment.
She affirms and validates herself, her truths, and her choices. If she discovers an investment is not giving back to her in meaningful ways, she makes note of it.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Lastly, Claire smiles as she looks over her <b>Third Circle of
Worth</b>: <b>What changes do I want to make?</b> She bravely determines what changes, if any, she wants to make in her investments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She thoughtfully considers her time, energy, and
resources as well as how each one is contributing to her authentic attachment –
with herself and in her relationships. She makes a few important adjustments, including
an intentional decision to scale back on social media sleuthing.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">As we draw to the close of our session, Claire speaks softly
yet firmly. “I know I am valuable and worthy. It’s up to me to take back my
power by determining who or what contributes to my worth and who or what does not.”</p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">"How will you respond to your own calling within?"</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">In closing, I will always be grateful for reaching audiences
through virtual means.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the same time,
I know that I am not fulfilled with feeling detached from my authentic being, devoid of feedback as to the impact of my work, and disconnected from participants. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">When I stand before an audience, I love seeing their faces.
I need to look into their eyes and I need them to do the same with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know that nothing takes the place of face-to-face
interaction where emotional bonds surface and where we become connected in a
shared sacred space of acceptance, belonging, and mattering. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">There is a Silent Pandemic among us: A Longing for Authentic
Attachment. How will you respond to your calling within? And, how will you
reach out to others who need you to see them?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">For more healing resources <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">Please like / follow <span style="text-align: left;"> </span><a href="http://www.facebook.com/hollikenley" style="text-align: left;">Facebook</a> <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a> <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a> <a href=" https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon</a></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Are you ready to SHIFT your life? New Book <b><i>SHIFTING </i>Bravely</b>!</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/pgFkHd13cgI" width="320" youtube-src-id="pgFkHd13cgI"></iframe></div><br /><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Bowlby J. (1969) Attachment: Attachment and loss: Vol. 1.
Loss. NY: Basic Books.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-54008755966450555792021-11-17T16:26:00.072-08:002021-11-30T08:37:59.213-08:00Family Is Important and So Am I: Part Three: Choose Your Sources of Respectful Support and Loving Connection<p> </p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>Family Is Important and So Am I: Part Three - Choose Your Sources
of Respectful Support </b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>and Loving Connection</b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b>Today's blog is Part Three of three-part series: Family Is Important and
So Am I.<o:p></o:p></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtaDgN9pMGPJ8THqyz9Y0Hjv_ZYEHtjBnpB7dT7-WEY8wsjLqEVX0ylTohdak5Yl1M5OkS-egjrpZwgHEV_B7OBmvvJvn0ODIPwxmXyP4mRJmLlcEL74MTOSZKf0bF-48y4hAuYfXz5v0/s2048/Choose+Your+Sources+of+Support+and+Connection+v2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1367" data-original-width="2048" height="429" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtaDgN9pMGPJ8THqyz9Y0Hjv_ZYEHtjBnpB7dT7-WEY8wsjLqEVX0ylTohdak5Yl1M5OkS-egjrpZwgHEV_B7OBmvvJvn0ODIPwxmXyP4mRJmLlcEL74MTOSZKf0bF-48y4hAuYfXz5v0/w640-h429/Choose+Your+Sources+of+Support+and+Connection+v2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">If you have not already read </span><a href=" https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2021/11/family-is-important-and-so-am-i-part.html" style="text-align: left;">Part One</a><span style="text-align: left;"> and </span><a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2021/11/family-is-important-and-so-am-i-part_17.html" style="text-align: left;">Part Two</a><span style="text-align: left;">, please do so and then return here. It is important to Choose Your Truth and Choose Your Health so that you can establish a solid foundation
from which to Choose Your Sources of Respectful Support and Loving Connection. </span></div><p></p>
<p><b>This series is for individuals who have worked on their wellness, or for
those who are currently embracing a path of recovery, or for those who have
chosen an intentional healthy way of being which is much different from their
family of origin. And in spite of their levels of wellness, these
individuals find themselve</b>s<b> still injured by family members</b>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p> Although we cannot change the unhealthy behaviors of others, we can choose
our response to them. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Let's grab hold of another healing choice. It is time to stop hurting and…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><u>Choose Your Sources of Respectful Support and Loving Connection<o:p></o:p></u></b></p>
<p><b>We have learned that we often stay in relationships with family members
who are harmful to us out of guilt or because of allegiance or loyalty to them.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another reason why individuals continue
to be injured by family members is because of how each family is structured and
how individual members are cast in certain roles within that structure.</b> <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>This varies greatly from family to family, especially when there is disturbance,
or dis-ease, or dysfunction within a family. It is important to note that the
formation of family “roles” is not always an intentional labeling or conscious
targeting by one or more family members. It is more often than not an organic
outgrowth of the make-up of the family system itself and its levels of
healthiness or lack of. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>For example, in families where a member is struggling with addiction (of any
kind), the actions of the addict create negative effects on the entire family. <b>In
order to cope with the chaos, family members take on or assume various roles:
the enabler, the hero, the scapegoat, the mascot, and the lost child.</b> While
these roles “may” help individual family members survive their traumatic
experiences and unhealthy environments, they usually do not serve them well over
their lifespan and in their relationships. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Whether a family is dysfunctional or is healthy, roles may benefit some
members in a family --granting them favoritism, flattery, or influence over
others. However, for other family members, roles can be highly
destructive and damaging -- relinquishing their importance in the family and
minimizing their sense of belonging. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Recently, a client returned to therapy after spending some much-needed time
away since the pandemic began. <b>Although she enjoyed many of her
travels, engaging in activities which were meaningful and visiting places which
were nourishing, she disclosed that time spent with a few family members was
painful. </b>Her role in the family of being the "invisible one"
-- of being diminished and dismissed -- was still in place. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>At the end of our session, the strong, caring client shared that upon her
return home, she attended a board meeting for a civic group she volunteers for.
With a bit of a heavy heart but with a smile, she shared the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>"It's amazing how easy my relationships are within our group! I know
the board members respect me and the work I do." She paused and added,
"It's so sad my family cannot do the same." <o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p>Although she feels “invisible” to her family, this client not only finds
purpose and meaning in civic service, but she also is active in her place of
worship where she is a valued member of several outreach programs. She is
constantly being called upon to lead, guide, direct, and mentor. In addition, wherever
she goes, her warm, welcoming persona draws others to her. Her compassionate generous
spirit keeps them coming back. <b>Her family may not see the “gift” she is, but
so many others are blessed by her presence. <o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p>You can't choose your family. And, you certainly can't change them. <b>But
you can choose your sources of respectful support and loving connection. Each
time you do, the shadow of injury following you becomes smaller and
smaller. <o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b><i>Exercise:</i></b> Think over these two statements carefully. Use
them as criteria to identify your sources of support and connection.</p><p>First, <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>1) Define who and what nourishes you, gives to you, supports you, respects you, and recognizes your value and importance. Write down your responses.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>2) Determine who and what are worthy of you. This is <i>really </i>important. Write down your responses.</b></p><p>As you read these two statements, you may feel you are being selfish. You are not. This is about empowering you to determine who or what recognizes your worth and who or what does not. This can be difficult to acknowledge. You might be feeling sad or disappointed. Honor what you are feeling. Take your time. Move on. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><i>Then,</i></b> looking over your responses, thoughtfully prioritize your time and intentionally select how and to what degree you will invest into the people, places, and things that respect and lovingly regard you. This includes all kinds of investments such as personal, financial, professional, relational, etc. Take your time. </p><p>*Note: More help with "selective investment," is available in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855">Breaking Through Betrayal</a> Chapter 9 - Revive and Restore. There are concrete exercises that illustrate how to reassess your relationships, how to apply "selective investment" so that it works best for you, and how set and adjust expectations of yourself and of others. This is hard work and it is rewarding work.</p><p>As you move forward, breathe in the ease, comfort, and validation
of these relationships.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Choose You<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>As we bring this series to a close, your story may be much lighter and easier
than the stories I shared as examples.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Or, your story may be much heavier and harder. What is important is “how”
your family of origin impacts you. Although this can be hard, it starts with
you being honest with yourself. <o:p></o:p></b></p><p><b>Spend time reflecting on these two conditions. Which one most closely describes you?</b></p>
<p> 1) <b>Is it typically the case that after you have been with family or with certain members of your
family, you have been treated with unconditional positive regard, respect, love,
acceptance and belonging?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you feel
you matter? </b>Do you “know” that you do? Have your relationships with family or certain members augmented and enhanced your wellness and healthy way of being? <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>2) <b>Or more often than not, after you have been with family or with certain members of your family, have
you been injured?</b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you wonder if you
matter? Do you feel less than, invisible, shamed or shunned? Do you wonder if they will ever really see you, understand you, and respect you? <b>Do you wonder if it is time to start choosing you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>In closing, when we are making a shift in our thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors doubt creeps in and we question what we are doing. We might
experience anxiety or uncertainty. When we stand up against land-standing
norms and generational expectations, we feel emotionally exposed and at risk. <b>However,
it is in our vulnerability where we have an opportunity to be brave - to grow, heal, and transform our lives.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Remember, you have nothing to fear or to lose by choosing you. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>You have everything to gain.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><o:p> </o:p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"> <b>Coming January 2022 </b><o:p></o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>SHIFTING </i>Bravely: a Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dXbO7AEzLNQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="dXbO7AEzLNQ"></iframe></b></div><b><br /><span style="font-size: medium;">For more healing resources, connect with</span></b><p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"> <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a></span></b></o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a><br /></b></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-492400933868836902021-11-17T16:24:00.016-08:002021-11-30T08:25:38.391-08:00Family Is Important and So Am I: Part Two - Choose Your Health<p style="text-align: center;"> <b>Family Is Important and So Am I - Part Two: Choose Your Health</b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b>Today's blog is Part Two of three-part series: Family Is Important and So
Am I.<o:p></o:p></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijWJFBZHVLiKDzh8EXrdf8qQwEjxQceZwDzXWbpi_rMV_lYGnMOftgLckKKDnjzySq41RI29P1syxHzxsiXl85vNiI88WP92bvOkXWoxNxFTJnHkr16nvZH5wscksh6-G2EiaHuFyMzo0/s2048/Choose+Your+Health.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1307" data-original-width="2048" height="408" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijWJFBZHVLiKDzh8EXrdf8qQwEjxQceZwDzXWbpi_rMV_lYGnMOftgLckKKDnjzySq41RI29P1syxHzxsiXl85vNiI88WP92bvOkXWoxNxFTJnHkr16nvZH5wscksh6-G2EiaHuFyMzo0/w640-h408/Choose+Your+Health.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p>If you have not already read <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2021/11/family-is-important-and-so-am-i-part.html">Part One </a>, please do so and then return here. It is important to Choose Your Truth
so that you can establish a foundation from which to Choose Your Health.<b><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>This series is for individuals who have worked on their wellness, or for
those who are currently embracing a path of recovery, or for those who have
chosen an intentional healthy way of being which is much different from their
family of origin. And in spite of their levels of wellness, these
individuals find themselve</b>s<b> still injured by family members</b>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p> Although we cannot change the unhealthy behaviors of others, we can choose
our response to them. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Let's grab hold of another healing choice. It is time to stop hurting and…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><u>Choose Your Health</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></p>
<p>As we have discussed in Part One, some families are healthy and some are
not. <b> And sometimes, it is really hard for individuals whose family's
way of being is deeply defined by cultural, social, spiritual, or traditional
norms to discern its injurious impact on them. Other times, generational trauma
is so deeply engrained within the family's way of functioning, it is not recognized
as being harmful. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Even when there is a sense that something is off, it is often not safe to
speak about it. Duty, obligation, and allegiance to family -- or to specific
members within the family -- often trump the psychological, emotional, and
physical needs of the individual. Fear of being shamed or shunned is also a
strong silencer. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>A couple of years ago I was working with a vibrant, professional young
married mother of two. She entered therapy to work on a few issues related to
her spouse; however, she spent most of our first few sessions together crying
about her family. <b>Although she was proud of her Mediterranean
heritage and colorful cast of relatives, she sobbed as she disclosed the
incessant arguing, fighting, and violent exchanges which she witnessed throughout
most of her childhood. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Sitting across from me as a young woman, she found it almost impossible to
manage her anxiety. She was still required to make daily calls to her mother
and father. <b>And every Sunday, she and her family were expected to
attend the family dinner -- where the chaos still persisted and was often
justified as "a proud family who doesn't hide their emotions." </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Working together to heal her trauma, she began to understand how her health
had been impacted as a young child and how it was continuing to be
affected. <b>Although the work was very hard for her, she began
little by little setting boundaries around the relationships within her family.</b> She
cut back on calls and texts. She and her husband made plans on weekends,
excusing themselves from family dinner. She learned how to lessen her emotional
investment into family and begin investing into healthy, loving sources of
support. Even with sharp criticism laid against her, bravely she began choosing
her health over the needs of family.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Just as my client chose to do, one of the best ways to stop hurting and
start choosing your health is through boundary work. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><b>Remember this...</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><b>Boundaries are not about pushing
people away. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><b>Boundaries are about creating a
safe space around you in order to protect your healing </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><b>and promote your well way of
being. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><i>Exercise</i></b>: Although your situation may not be as harmful as my
clients, take an honest assessment of how your family or members of your family
are impacting your health -- emotionally, psychologically and physically. As
you begin reflecting upon your boundaries, go through these steps.<o:p></o:p></p><p>Write down your responses. </p>
<p><b>1) Lean </b>into your new foundation. What is your new
truth? (Example: Family is important and so am I). <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>2) Listen</b> to what your physical and emotional health are telling
you. How are you being impacted?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>3) Limit</b> your time with family members who injure you and <b>lessen</b> your
investment into them. In what ways can you protect your healing and promote
your wellbeing? Be specific.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>4) Learn</b> from what works and what doesn't. What do you want to
keep doing? What do you want to stop doing?<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><i>Now,</i></b> based on your repsonses, write down your boundaries and begin implementing them. Start with one or two. Build upon them as needed. </p><p>Although you may receive push-back from family, remind yourself that you are not pushing others away. You are choosing your health and protecting yourself. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p> <o:p></o:p><b>*Note, in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855">Breaking Through Betrayal</a> Chapter 9 , there is a subsection on Boundary Work - Bracing Yourself with Supportive Structures. You are provided with concrete exercises for setting and sustaining boundaries. Boundary work is hard. And, it works. </b></p><div><b><br /></b></div>
<p>As you are working on this exercise and when you feel ready, move on to <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2021/11/family-is-important-and-so-am-i-part_28.html">Part Three</a>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Are you feeling your shift taking hold?
<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Are you experiencing a new strength and sense of wellbeing from Choosing
You?<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Keep going and keep growing!<o:p></o:p></b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;">Coming January 2022</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i>SHIFTING</i> Bravely: a Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</b></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dXbO7AEzLNQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="dXbO7AEzLNQ"></iframe></div><br /><b>For more healing resources, connect with</b><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley </a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-54077705272985810772021-11-17T15:33:00.010-08:002021-11-30T08:22:07.741-08:00Family Is Important and So Am I : Part One - Choose Your Truth<p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>Family Is Important and So Am I – Part One: Choose Your Truth</b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><b>Today's blog is Part One of three-part series: Family Is Important and So
Am I</b></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9BEIlFHTFPVcsc1JoiNtkDBFR-epFase9n3P63HOX6htZelIGEXTiZ6QhtchcGoaQP3-EHEXPe4GMVqEs_QDeBUA2mndcFVIQsq-yb3bqHVgx4fZdKE071lE4rMl9oMstw6l2OFtkX1s/s2048/Choose+Your+Truth.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1089" data-original-width="2048" height="341" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9BEIlFHTFPVcsc1JoiNtkDBFR-epFase9n3P63HOX6htZelIGEXTiZ6QhtchcGoaQP3-EHEXPe4GMVqEs_QDeBUA2mndcFVIQsq-yb3bqHVgx4fZdKE071lE4rMl9oMstw6l2OFtkX1s/w640-h341/Choose+Your+Truth.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p></p>
<p><b>Family. A complicated topic. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Some are healthy. Some are not.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Many treat one another with unconditional positive regard, love, acceptance,
and belonging. Many do not. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Most families face all kinds of difficulties and life-altering disturbances.
Compassionate and empathic family members come together, supporting one another
and finding a way through their challenges. Sadly, there are many families who
choose not to.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>This series is for individuals who have worked on their wellness, or for
those who are currently embracing a path of recovery, or for those who have
chosen an intentional healthy way of being which is much different from their
family of origin. And in spite of their levels of wellness, these
individuals find themselve</b>s<b> still injured by family members</b>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Because families are quite complex, these injuries typically stem from a
wide range of causation including but not limited to the following:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>* Family dysfunction<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>* Family division and unhealthy alliances<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>* Family disagreements and discord<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>* Family drama (blaming, gossiping, judging, and shaming)<o:p></o:p></p>
<p> Although we cannot change the unhealthy behaviors of others, we can choose
our response to them. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Let's grab hold of three healing choices. It is time to stop hurting and…<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><u>Choose Your Truth</u></b><u><o:p></o:p></u></p>
<p>Over the years, clients have disclosed numerous reasons for continuing to
engage in injurious family relationships. One of the most common is a belief
passed down through generations:<o:p></o:p></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: center;"><b>Family is important. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>When this belief emanates from positive, healthy relationships with family,
it deserves to be cherished. It is a sacred truth which bonds family together.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p>When this belief is embraced out of guilt -- out of shame-based
responsibility for what others feel and think of you or out of fear of being
labeled as disloyal, bad, or wrong -- it deserves to be re-examined and
re-worded to be in alignment with your beliefs. Stepping out of the shadow of
family injury requires choosing your own truth. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Try on a few of these and see how they feel.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Family is important and so am I.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Family is important and I matter too. </b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Family is important and so is my wellness.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Family is important and so are healthy boundaries.</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Before the pandemic hit, I began working with a wonderful female client on
several grief issues. Once the lock-down was in place, two of her adult
children moved home. There was a short honeymoon period, but after a few
months, tensions rose. My client was worn out and stressed from waiting on her
adult children: cooking, cleaning, and caregiving in ways far beyond her
capacity. Adding to her fatigue, she felt completely disrespected by
them. Every time I addressed her "codependency" and the
importance of taking care of her needs, she always responded, <b>"Family
is important. I don't want to hurt them."</b><o:p></o:p></p>
<p>Several months went by. Her energy ran dry and she chose to stop feeling
guilty. One day in session she reported, <b>"Family is important and
so am I. I need to make some changes." </b> From that point, she
began navigating from her new truth rooted in a healthy foundation of
self-respect and self-worth.<o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b><i>Exercise:</i></b> Take a few moments and think about your belief
which is keeping you tethered to family members who are hurting you. This
may be hard and there may be more than one belief. <o:p></o:p></p><p>Write it down. Family is ___________________________________________________.</p><p>Examples: Family is all I have. Family is not perfect. Family is important. Family matters. Family can be broken but its mine.</p>
<p>Next, think about a belief which honors you and your feelings. Take your time. Write down
your new truth. Start using it as a
foundation for choosing you. It may feel awkward. Give it more time. Soon, you will begin believing in it and trusting it. <o:p></o:p></p><p>Family is __________________________ and __________________________________.</p>
<p>As you are working on this exercise and when you feel ready, move on to <a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2021/11/family-is-important-and-so-am-i-part_17.html">Part Two</a>. <o:p></o:p></p>
<p><b>Are you feeling your shift taking root?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Are you experiencing the release and renewal of Choosing You?<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p><b>Keep going and keep growing!<o:p></o:p></b></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><o:p> Coming January 2022!</o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><i>SHIFING</i> Bravely: a Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</span></b></o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><b></b></o:p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/dXbO7AEzLNQ" width="320" youtube-src-id="dXbO7AEzLNQ"></iframe></b></div><b><br /><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b><p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><o:p> For more healing resources, connect with...</o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><o:p><a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a><br /></o:p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="https://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a><br /></p><br /><p></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-35225856937263193352021-10-13T12:15:00.000-07:002021-10-13T12:15:00.330-07:00How to Manage Money in Marriage by Guest Author Jennifer Scott <p style="text-align: center;"><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size: 24pt;">How to Manage
Money in Marriage</span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeojlFCVViBBiz1DRe0p8WaqqpssB9X4MHDBCtVXFBZYvd9jSiPlkdV4mI2fQVrIJXlPw4SfXqDAp4V8WoPsKJa-Wsp56Y3Clh3a6vZvO_kVbCDEwAJYG5y-BXKFtQExYgfjd1yokhTws/s2048/pexels-git-stephen-gitau-1667847.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeojlFCVViBBiz1DRe0p8WaqqpssB9X4MHDBCtVXFBZYvd9jSiPlkdV4mI2fQVrIJXlPw4SfXqDAp4V8WoPsKJa-Wsp56Y3Clh3a6vZvO_kVbCDEwAJYG5y-BXKFtQExYgfjd1yokhTws/s320/pexels-git-stephen-gitau-1667847.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: 32px;">Jennifer Scott </span></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">The wedding hall is cleared, the glitter dust cloud has settled, and
thank-you notes are sent: You are officially past wedding mode and into married
life. Newlyweds have a long and exciting time to look forward to together.
<b>However, there are also a lot of </b></span><b><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.fidelity.com/viewpoints/personal-finance/five-financial-tips-for-newlyweds"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">important decisions</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> to make.</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">One of the most vital parts of married life is effective money
management. It’s important that you and your spouse are on the same page when
it comes to finances.<b> </b>After all, financial disagreements are one of the leading
causes of relationship stress, and ignoring money issues is a recipe for
disaster. Instead, strengthen your relationship by tackling your finances together
with these helpful tips. </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Focus on Frank,
Respectful Communication<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;">When it comes to money, there’s no point in beating around the bush.
The more frank conversations about money you and your partner can have, the
better off you’ll be. Always remember to say exactly what you mean when
discussing money.</span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" style="font-size: 12pt;">Passive aggression not
only breeds resentment, but it’s also confusing and easily misinterpreted.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Respect should always be at the </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.marriage.com/advice/communication/great-connections-how-to-communicate-respectfully-with-your-spouse/"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">forefront of any conversation</span></a></span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">, even (if not especially) when you disagree.
Keep in mind that you married this person because you trust them with your
future. Treat them like a person you trust, even when their ideas are different
from your own.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Pursue Shared Goals</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Figure out what kind of financial goals you share. For example, maybe
you’d both like to retire early or own your own home – what kind of saving
would you have to do to make those dreams come true, and how much home can you </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.redfin.com/how-much-house-can-i-afford"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">reasonably afford</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">? Take monthly expenses and the ideal timeline
into consideration so you can make a realistic savings plan.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">This is also a good time to discuss family planning and what that
should mean for your budget. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">If you want to have five kids, figure out the </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://costfreak.com/raising-child-cost/"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">costs associated</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> with that many children and start saving now.
If you’d rather have no children and four dogs, what do four dogs cost? Clarify
your family plans together so you can make sure you’re financially prepared for
whatever future you’re dreaming of.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><b><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Combine Finances</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If you didn’t already live together before marriage, you’ll have a lot
of </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.bankrate.com/personal-finance/smart-money/6-tips-for-merging-finances-as-newlyweds/"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">finances to combine</span></a></span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> now that you are. Even if you did live
together, there are likely several services, such as car or health insurance,
that it may make sense to combine. Take a thorough look at both partners’
health insurance plans – marriage is a qualifying event to update coverage, and
you may be surprised by which of you has the better option for your family.
Bear in mind that if either of you own your own business, it’s important that
you don’t </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.zenbusiness.com/blog/commingle-funds/"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">commingle</span></a></span><span face="Calibri, sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> personal and business funds. This creates a
host of unnecessary complications and stress. Combining business and personal
funds can put your personal assets at risk, and that’s the last thing you want
to do at the start of your marriage.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Have the Difficult
Conversations</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">There are conversations no one wants to have with a partner,
especially a new spouse, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. Set a
time to discuss serious matters like death and major injury. Figure out how to
assign </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.americanbar.org/groups/real_property_trust_estate/resources/estate_planning/power_of_attorney/"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">power of attorney</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> to your spouse so that they can make
important decisions if you’re ever medically unable to do so. Make sure you
both understand what kind of expenses to expect in the event of a death, such
as costs for a funeral and burial.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">This can feel like a </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.dyingmatters.org/page/TalkingAboutDeathDying"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">morbid conversation</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">, but remember that arranging these things now
saves your spouse work, planning, and headache at a time when they’ll be
vulnerable and heartbroken. However, that doesn’t mean the conversation won’t
take an emotional toll. Plan an </span><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/31-cheap-and-fun-date-ideas-for-couples-2.html"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" style="color: #1155cc; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">extra-fun date night</span></a></span><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"> out afterward to help lighten the mood.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Remember: You’re a Team</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;">Often spouses have different ideas when it comes to financial issues,
but try to frame it as the two of you vs. the problem. By handling things as a
team, you strengthen your bond as a couple and your future as a family.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><o:p>Thank you, Jennifer, for your wise counsel! </o:p></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><o:p> You can learn more about Jennifer Scott at <a href="http://spiritfinder.org/">Spirit Finder</a>.</o:p></span></i></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b>Coming Soon! A New Book By Author Holli Kenley</b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #990000; font-weight: bold;"><i>SHIFTING</i> </span><span style="color: #20124d;"><b>Bravely</b></span><span style="color: #990000; font-weight: bold;">: a path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/OR2BXLJxuUI" width="320" youtube-src-id="OR2BXLJxuUI"></iframe></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><o:p><i> </i> <a href="https://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley, MA, LMFT</a></o:p></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author</a><br /></span></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram </a><br /></span></b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span face=""Calibri",sans-serif" lang="EN" style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri;"><o:p><br /></o:p></span></i></b></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-54270020193652984502021-06-05T15:58:00.048-07:002021-12-08T09:23:37.181-08:00"The Me You Can't See": How To Stop Hiding Behind Your Hurt and Start Sharing Your Story<p><b><a href="https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey" target="_blank">Oprah Winfrey </a> and <a href="https://www.instagram.com/sussexroyal/" target="_blank">Prince Harry</a> have produced a new series on mental health - <a href="https://youtu.be/dWevopoBmAE" target="_blank">"The Me You Can't See"</a></b> If the words, "the me you can't see" speak to you in any way, I encourage you to watch this powerful series. <b>If you're feeling like an imposter or unseen because you are hiding behind your hurt, the stories of shared suffering in "The Me You Can't See" will connect with you in ways which you may not have felt before. </b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vwjfZd9UvCoW15s5ImX3jc6iDzArdeX73D_jUvZtV2KGaaRUVir1VE-eOncYIFcRYgYWZweORz3XrpRcMbMQRP_JZZo_x4_msQbqDq0mJ4o76q3ZpWKtDA-49qaEmkz2tLWEL9FsNSw/s2048/AdobeStock+The+Me+You+Can%2527t+See.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3vwjfZd9UvCoW15s5ImX3jc6iDzArdeX73D_jUvZtV2KGaaRUVir1VE-eOncYIFcRYgYWZweORz3XrpRcMbMQRP_JZZo_x4_msQbqDq0mJ4o76q3ZpWKtDA-49qaEmkz2tLWEL9FsNSw/w640-h426/AdobeStock+The+Me+You+Can%2527t+See.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p></p><p>Inspired by the series, today's blog is a personal message to you. <b>Because of the stigma and shame around the fragility of our mental health, many of us walk around with emotional and psychological wounds thinking it is better to pretend that nothing is wrong than to admit our lives are not working for us in the ways we have dreamed of and desired.</b> I hope today's blog will encourage you to share your feelings and allow yourself to be seen. </p><p><b>Although there are many reasons why individuals don't seek help or delay it, sometimes it is our own thinking which gets in the way.</b> Let's take a look at three self-shaming thoughts which signal you may be hiding behind your hurt. And, let's learn how to reframe those thoughts in order to come out of its shadow. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86-qYUg0Txgr_gjymqiDlg2WyfL7ErcUwPhcIf8I79EpdaqH8jRYB5nbG8TlpCs4SyeIAFxkA8X2IxJSyhWAOdt8hOQG2OYIlbnbryh6TLRrxKbcBO3BTOqZeUFFdW-8FPtiohICcNls/s2048/AdobeStock+What+happened+to+me.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg86-qYUg0Txgr_gjymqiDlg2WyfL7ErcUwPhcIf8I79EpdaqH8jRYB5nbG8TlpCs4SyeIAFxkA8X2IxJSyhWAOdt8hOQG2OYIlbnbryh6TLRrxKbcBO3BTOqZeUFFdW-8FPtiohICcNls/w400-h266/AdobeStock+What+happened+to+me.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p><b>Self-Shaming Thought #1: There is something wrong with me.</b></p><p><b>Have you ever said to yourself, "There is something wrong with me"?</b> You try to ignore the thought but your mind keeps spinning as you continue to self-shame: "I should be able to get over this. I should be able to do this! I'm just too weak. I need to toughen up, suck it up, and get over it." If that isn't enough self-deprecation, the inner dialogue of comparison continues: "My best friend doesn't have this problem. He keeps going, even when things are hard. That's it. I need to try harder. But I do. And then, I give up. What is wrong with me?" </p><p><b>This self-shaming thought is destructive. Not only does it exacerbate feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness, but it fuels depression, anxiety, as well as many other psychological and behavioral disorders. </b>And as importantly, in this mindset of over-responsibility for our "flawed state of being," we continue hiding behind our hurt. </p><p><b>You are not alone if you feel you are at fault. Before reaching out for help, most people feel the same way.</b> One of the most empowering moments in "The Me You Can't See" is the reframing of this self-shaming pattern of thinking. <b> <a href="https://www.facebook.com/oprahwinfrey" target="_blank">Oprah</a></b> and<b> <a href="https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/bruce-perry-md-phd/" target="_blank">Dr. Bruce Perry</a>,</b> co-authors of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/What-Happened-You-Understanding-Resilience/dp/1250223180" target="_blank"><b>"What Happened To Me?"</b></a>, bring this self-shaming thought out of its shadow by suggesting the following: </p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Instead of saying, "What is wrong with me?"</b></span></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Reframe it as, "What happened to me?"</b></span></i></p><p>Whether you have experienced significant or minor trauma in your past, or adverse childhood experiences, or other developmental disturbances, these ALL contribute to your levels of functioning today. <b>There is nothing wrong with you. There is something which went wrong in your past. </b></p><p><b>One step in coming out of hiding behind your hurt is to explore your past in order to find out "what happened to you</b>." In <a href="https://youtu.be/dWevopoBmAE" target="_blank"><b>"The Me You Can't See,</b>"</a> we witness how many individuals entered therapy, counseling, or engaged in community support systems which enabled them to unlock their painful pasts and unhook them from this faulty self-shaming thinking. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh27paWJnBI8heTo5hVRQZjWU8Rl-SAfJQhAkHQFKcwPyUc-9ytFT3zpPqv84zB1OKQJGJb39CLNVLq7P69qcO4jIpyjYj3UuCopsOpP-HnZLYfGRo3yIu432FMeg1CiQ530jJO73NiqQw/s2048/AdobeStock+Who+or+what+is+source.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1307" data-original-width="2048" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh27paWJnBI8heTo5hVRQZjWU8Rl-SAfJQhAkHQFKcwPyUc-9ytFT3zpPqv84zB1OKQJGJb39CLNVLq7P69qcO4jIpyjYj3UuCopsOpP-HnZLYfGRo3yIu432FMeg1CiQ530jJO73NiqQw/w400-h255/AdobeStock+Who+or+what+is+source.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p><b>Self-Shaming Thought #2: I am embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings.</b></p><p><b>Have you ever said to yourself, "I am embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings"?</b> Or your inner dialogue sounds like, "No one will understand if I say I'm depressed. I don't dare say anything. They will make fun of me." Or, your fear of disapproval takes hold and you begin thinking, "No one will believe me if I tell them what happened to me. In fact, they will blame me. They will say it was my fault. And then, I will feel even more ashamed." Or, "In my culture, we don't talk about anxiety or depression. I would never admit I am cutting myself. I will bring shame onto my family. It is a sign of weakness." And then, there are thoughts such as, "I have made a mess of my life. I drink...I can't hold a job. I've alienated my family. All my friends have moved on with their lives. I'm such looser. I am embarrassed and ashamed."</p><p><b>In "The Me You Can't See," as music icon <a href="https://www.instagram.com/ladygaga/" target="_blank">Lady GaGa</a>, NBA star <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DeMarDeRozan" target="_blank">DeMar DeRozan</a>, and mental health advocate <a href="https://youtu.be/8MECuYANfAE" target="_blank">Zak Williams</a> (son of actor Robin Williams) disclosed the pain around their traumas and their mental illness, they also shared how they felt ashamed of their pain and kept it hidden</b>. </p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Lady GaGa, who was raped by a powerful person in the music industry, experienced debilitating shame and remained silent for years. </li><li>DeMar DeRozan, who suffered from childhood trauma, stress, and depression, felt embarrassed to speak about it and kept his pain a secret. </li><li>Zak Williams, who struggled with crippling anxiety and depression, masked his suffering and shame with alcohol. </li></ul><p></p><p>As they continued sharing their stories, Lady GaGa, DeMar, and Zak disclosed how their shame flourished in secrecy and silence. All three described how they were able to bring it out of its shadow by reframing its presence in their lives. </p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Instead of saying, "I am embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings."</span></i></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Reframe it as, "Who or what is the source or cause of my shame?"</span></i></b></p><p>Whether someone or something has traumatized you or you have endured traumatic events, or if you have been predisposed genetically or environmentally to mental illness, you are not the cause or source of your shame. <b>However, you can be its host. As long as you choose to carry it in secrecy and silence, shame will thrive in quiet darkness. </b></p><p><b>Another step in coming out of hiding behind your hurt is by identifying and addressing the sources of your shame, whether they are physical, emotional, psychological, relational, environmental, or other. </b> Lady GaGa, DeMar Derozan, and Zak Williams sought out professional help and bravely processed the causal elements of their shame. By doing so, they brought shame out of its shadow while bringing themselves into the light. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6A0P_qNi6qw3_6WNJUHQ7098xLpLc2ebUF7ftw49QlIestofED4F2RZ7m2ikR8fhaV-J-crNHnNlhdR7yWnSxdvZfGwquWWRelpd4sNH5BiKvw9jLE4pHjoodAOzeND1zxRH9IgtWcsA/s2048/AdobeStock+When+I+share+my+feelings.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6A0P_qNi6qw3_6WNJUHQ7098xLpLc2ebUF7ftw49QlIestofED4F2RZ7m2ikR8fhaV-J-crNHnNlhdR7yWnSxdvZfGwquWWRelpd4sNH5BiKvw9jLE4pHjoodAOzeND1zxRH9IgtWcsA/w400-h266/AdobeStock+When+I+share+my+feelings.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p><b>Self-Shaming Thought #3: I am powerless and afraid.</b></p><p><b>When you are hiding behind your hurt, have you ever had the thought, "I am powerless and afraid"?</b> As you consider speaking up about your pain, your mind rehearses additional self-shaming thoughts: "I've been told not to complain. Even when I've asked for help, no one has supported me. I am alone and I am frightened." Or, perhaps others have added fuel to your fear and sense of powerlessness by guilting you: "If you speak up and tell what is going on with you, you will ruin our family and our reputation. This is our business. Don't you dare share it with anyone." And as you continue to self-shame, you convince yourself the situation is hopeless: "This is all my fault. Even if I wanted to, I can't change myself or anything in my life. I am powerless and I am afraid." </p><p>One of the most hopeful messages in <a href="https://youtu.be/dWevopoBmAE" target="_blank"><b>"The Me You Can't See"</b></a> is that every person profiled in the series courageously worked through their sense of powerlessness over their feelings and of being afraid to share them. <b>Each person invested into a safe, trusted person, path, or process in which to become vulnerable and do their healing work.</b></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li> A young Syrian male refugee with severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder slowly and painfully opened up to a camp doctor.</li><li>A Pakistani adult male catapulted into severe depression over his mother's premature death found healing in writing poetry and sharing it.</li><li>A brilliant college student suffering with the sudden onset of schizophrenia reluctantly accepted her diagnosis and then fully embraced effective, strategic interventions.</li><li>In addition to a traumatic childhood, a war vet further shattered by his son's suicide gave himself over to a professionally-guided safe healing environment where he found healing through bonding with animals who were also traumatized.</li><li>Prince Harry suffered silently for years with unresolved grief, depression. and anxiety following his mother's tragic death. Encourage by his wife Meghan, he opened up to her about his unresolved anger and deep pain. Shortly after, he began his recovering journey which continues today. </li></ul><p></p><p>As long as we hold on to our suffering, we will feel powerless and afraid. <b>When we share our stories, there is risk involved. It requires that we become vulnerable. And yet, it is in our vulnerability where we grow, heal, and transform. </b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Instead of saying, "I am powerless and afraid." </span></b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Reframe it as, "When I share my feelings with a trusted source, </span></b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">I am vulnerable, strong, and brave."</span></b></i></p><p>One final step in coming out of your hiding from hurt is to begin sharing it with trusted sources. <b>As the layers of pain and shame are peeled away, their shadows will fade. And, you will experience a lighter way of being. *See note below.</b></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmGcasXdJC6MtDe9gQLyROjISoBhTeRPOt9qd9wAyl7O7XKVtBGpjxhB4YQtZCW7RhcYHfDAOePzIvRIpoB_NUwqeSzlJ161KRs71zZA4w9iotqeLCvGs_vX8SByQ8e9X9_MNq_RArhJE/s2048/AdobeStock+Healing+comes+from....jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmGcasXdJC6MtDe9gQLyROjISoBhTeRPOt9qd9wAyl7O7XKVtBGpjxhB4YQtZCW7RhcYHfDAOePzIvRIpoB_NUwqeSzlJ161KRs71zZA4w9iotqeLCvGs_vX8SByQ8e9X9_MNq_RArhJE/w400-h266/AdobeStock+Healing+comes+from....jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p></p><p>In closing, I hope today's blog has been helpful. I hope you are able to watch <a href="https://youtu.be/dWevopoBmAE" target="_blank"><b>"The Me You Can't See."</b></a> I've always been a strong believer in the healing power of "shared suffering." If you see a story which mirrors your own, and I believe you will, I know you will no longer feel alone. <b>I hope you will allow yourself to be vulnerable and process your pain with a trusted source. I am confident you will experience the healing which comes from sharing <i>all</i> of your story. </b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #800180;">Believe and Be Well</span></b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.hollikenley.com" target="_blank"><b>Holli Kenley</b></a><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>Coming January 2022! Stories of Shared Suffering and Healing!</b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley" target="_blank"></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dy6dO0elsNzZn2Ir1a1r0KUsK3e-8msPEq4QV4AZGVap5OUwsPRQE9CziUjKFDaJw9L-1ZKvC_QllWG8zMumA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley" target="_blank"><br /></a><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley" target="_blank"><b></b></a><b><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley" target="_blank">Twitter</a> <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley" target="_blank">Instagram</a> <a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley" target="_blank">Facebook</a></b></div><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share" target="_blank"><b>Amazon</b></a></p><p> *Note: There are many situation and circumstances where it is not safe to share our suffering and when it may illicit further harm to ourselves. <b>Therefore, it is important to remember to share your feelings only with trusted individuals and sources which will welcome you with unconditional positive regard, empathic support, and professional guidance. </b></p><div><b><br /></b></div><p style="text-align: center;"></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-6536242144903058712021-04-23T16:13:00.101-07:002021-05-13T15:13:29.704-07:00"Untamed" Teaches Us About The Cages We Live In: How Do We Break Free?<p>During the past year, several of my adult female clients excitedly shared about a book they had read and how it had helped them in numerous ways. <b>Because I want to be able to connect with teachings which are meaningful to my clients, I ordered and read <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252" target="_blank"><span style="color: #800180;">"Untamed: stop pleasing, start living"</span></a> by <a href="https://momastery.com/" target="_blank">Glennon Doyle</a>.</b> Not only have I read it several times, but I have also listened to the audiobook, in full, twice. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5Sqvxf9dmHTqTeJblIkp9b1-jE0sMIID0p_a3EF-82h9Hd2dOF8PfPnIGt3yEnRcw0Ks7GbCGHRxTO446vMA7iOmsjnurPETa8Z6GPLykHz_zZQlqj8o797wfTqdkq9h_COrWDPbTKiI/s2048/Untamed+Teaches+Us.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1369" data-original-width="2048" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5Sqvxf9dmHTqTeJblIkp9b1-jE0sMIID0p_a3EF-82h9Hd2dOF8PfPnIGt3yEnRcw0Ks7GbCGHRxTO446vMA7iOmsjnurPETa8Z6GPLykHz_zZQlqj8o797wfTqdkq9h_COrWDPbTKiI/w400-h268/Untamed+Teaches+Us.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p>Today's blog is not a review of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252"><span style="color: #800180;"><b>"Untamed."</b></span></a> There are thousands of them on Amazon. <b>The purpose of today's blog is to tap into the powerful message of how "Untamed" Teaches Us About The Cages We Live In, and to explore How Do We Break Free?</b> In doing so, we will highlight two important cages - the unhealthy relationships we have with others and the one we have with ourselves. </p><p><span>Because I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, my work is specifically tailored to the healing of relationships. When my clients come to me, most are in very broken places. Many are coming out of unhealthy relationships, some are still in them, and others are trying to navigate them with boundaries in place and trying not to reinjure themselves. </span><b>While there are no easy or quick fixes, we will take a look at two wellness strategies for breaking free.</b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><br /></b></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHviPi8Ujz1UfNiKCv8wtXBrx-wf1BtwQ5ixjqzn4mDPO21l4-_1zMXlrLuh891N9L6ykUBc5S_JZT1dHOxkJ87_k0HRWxAxAGGxBnQa3X1mSGhsCPuldLTYoJHeQhRb-gusuH5FNqLxc/s2048/Discover+Who+You+Are.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHviPi8Ujz1UfNiKCv8wtXBrx-wf1BtwQ5ixjqzn4mDPO21l4-_1zMXlrLuh891N9L6ykUBc5S_JZT1dHOxkJ87_k0HRWxAxAGGxBnQa3X1mSGhsCPuldLTYoJHeQhRb-gusuH5FNqLxc/s320/Discover+Who+You+Are.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p><b><u>Discover Yourself First</u></b></p><p>In <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: #800180;">"Untamed,"</span></b></a> Glennon openly discusses one of her relationship cages - her unhealthy marriage. Although there are numerous reasons for the unhealthiness, Glennon is committed to her marriage and the raising of her three children. <b>After marriage counseling and years of trying to make the relationship work, she is able to break free - only by discovering herself first.</b> As Glennon bravely unearths her truths, she overcomes many challenges as well as numerous painful hurdles. <b>However, the more she learns who she is, trusts who she is, and honors who she is, the easier it becomes to make choices which support freeing herself from this cage. </b></p><p>In my practice, I witness how clients are stuck in their relationship cages - personal and professional. Most clients enter therapy to alleviate their discomfort and learn tools for healing their relationships. <b>Although these are important, with their permission I gently guide clients down a empowering path - one of self-discovery. </b>Together, we learn that in order to free ourselves from any cage, we must first understand, accept, and celebrate who we are. </p><p>We achieve that by exploring questions such as the following:</p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Who am I? Deep down inside, in the quiet of my soul and spirit, who am I? </span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What are my needs? Are they being met? Why or why not?</span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What are my wounds, past hurts, and disappointments? Have I healed them or tended to them? How are they impacting my life?</span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What kinds of choices or decisions do I make? Are they advancing my growth? Why or why not?</span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What am I afraid of? Who am I afraid of? </span></b></p><p>These are hard questions. If we want to discover who we are - and learn to trust and honor who we are - we must spend as much time as needed exploring these questions and others. We may need the help of a counselor, therapist, or wellness coach. Sometimes, self-help books, spiritual practices, and self-growth classes or seminars are wonderful resources. Make a commitment to seek out the kind of support you feel comfortable with. Be courageous. Make a commitment now. </p><p><b>Remember, the longer we put discovering ourselves aside, the longer we will hold our identity and integrity hostage to other people and circumstances.</b> And, the longer we delay discovering who we are, the longer we will remain in our relationship cages. </p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Only by discovering who we are can we really know what is true and right for us.</b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Only by knowing, trusting, and honoring our true selves can we break free. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i></i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4u8MP2CK5isdHOime4Nl-IJGZEHFbaC_JucEuotw8XuqeeYfdfDaDRBItV1xEP3-r5qor1wZBaHzQwmEBPZJospKchpAH3XhY97njftlXcJz0u7xnhtAbIsMkjRLNUcDFYnwArFvxIxg/s2048/Define+Your+Worth.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4u8MP2CK5isdHOime4Nl-IJGZEHFbaC_JucEuotw8XuqeeYfdfDaDRBItV1xEP3-r5qor1wZBaHzQwmEBPZJospKchpAH3XhY97njftlXcJz0u7xnhtAbIsMkjRLNUcDFYnwArFvxIxg/s320/Define+Your+Worth.jpg" width="320" /></a></i></div><p></p><p><b><u>Define Your Worth</u></b></p><p>Along with the unhealthy relationships we find ourselves in with others, another very common cage we live in is the unhealthy relationship we have with ourselves. What do I mean by this? </p><p>When clients come to me, some of the questions I ask of them area the following:</p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What does your self-talk sound like? </span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">What messages do you say to yourself about yourself? </span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Do you feel valuable? Do you feel important? Do you feel you are enough? Why or why not?</span></b></p><p><b><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Do you like yourself? Do you love yourself? Why or why not?</span></b></p><p>Most of the time, the answers to these questions are heartbreaking. The relationship they have with themselves is one of being "unlovable." As I explore further with clients, we discover that their lack of worth or mattering emanates from a myriad of life experiences. <b>Although many clients require ample time to process and heal past wounds or traumas, I have found time and time again that the perpetuation of this "lack of worth" is a past and current practice of attaching their worth to external, false, and fleeting sources of influence, impact, or importance. </b></p><p>In her book, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: #800180;">"Untamed,"</span></b></a> Glennon Doyle is very transparent about her "lack of self-worth" as she was growing up. She details her history of bulimia - a chronic eating disorder which began plaguing her at age eleven. Although there may be additional underlying causes, Glennon makes clear she was in a constant battle with how she perceived her "looks" and how she felt her body and appearance should be. This internal conflict was fueled by tethering her self-worth to external messages from social media, magazines, movies, and so on. She measured her self-worth against images of perfection and what was marketed as being attractive: wafer thin females, perfect hair, wrinkle-free skin, and so on. <b>Years later, when Glennon embraced her recovery and began discovering who she was (and is), she began defining her self-worth based on internal, authentic, and sustainable sources of worth such as her beliefs, values, and truths. </b></p><p><b>As long as we allow any external source to dictate our self-worth, we will never have a healthy relationship with ourselves.</b> We will always be chasing that next "thing" which will make us look better, feel happier, or make us more appealing or popular. Sadly, we will continue running circles in our cages trying to keep up with false messaging while we attempt to feel "good enough." </p><p>However, we can break free from this cage. As we are discovering ourselves, we can begin defining our self-worth. Be brave. Begin now. And, love yourself along the way. (<b>*Note</b> - there is a series of blogs listed below - <b><i><span style="color: #2b00fe;">From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough </span>- </i></b>which may help you with this process.)</p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Only by defining our internal, authentic, and sustainable sources of worth can we know our value. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>Only by knowing, trusting, and honoring our true worth can we have a healthy and loving relationship with ourselves.</b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i></i></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0m5bcPVbYwRymkZMWKYw9SrB1bvgCYedc2QTtH1wVqLdNRDqbSb-4uneWTpvv3yNJ_w1cSbx9rGEhkWWYWuLXR-BFEfa4jllyIlTtFBBGAV6mijQHCWglgy6sS02D2ouT1JHjy40neXk/s2048/Hope+for+a+New+Path.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1229" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0m5bcPVbYwRymkZMWKYw9SrB1bvgCYedc2QTtH1wVqLdNRDqbSb-4uneWTpvv3yNJ_w1cSbx9rGEhkWWYWuLXR-BFEfa4jllyIlTtFBBGAV6mijQHCWglgy6sS02D2ouT1JHjy40neXk/s320/Hope+for+a+New+Path.jpg" width="320" /></a><i style="text-align: left;"><b> </b></i></i></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><u>Hope for a New Path</u></b></p><p>In closing, one of the most powerful and beautiful messages in <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Untamed-Glennon-Doyle-Melton/dp/1984801252" target="_blank"><b><span style="color: #800180;">"Untamed"</span></b></a> is that we do not have to settle for living in cages. We can break free. However, in order to do that, I believe we must do the following: <b>First, we must discover who we are and embrace who we are. Second, we must define our self-worth and integrate it into our beings. Once we began that process, there is hope for a new path.</b></p><p>Over the past few months working with my clients on hope for a new path, several of them have found encouragement and inspiration in one of the stories from "Untamed." <b>It is entitled "Islands." In this critically important passage about knowing, tursting, and honoring herself and her worth, Glennon utilizes a metaphor to illustrate her message.</b> She describes how she and her family live on an island, surrounded by a moat filled with alligators. The only way onto their island is by a drawbridge. The drawbridge is lowered for others to come onto their island, ONLY if visitors bring with them a specific mindset - "one of love, joy, and wild acceptance" for their family. [Doyle, p.193] No fear or judgement is allowed. <b>Glennon and her family have claimed their new path, founded on the truths which support and nurture their lives. On their Island, they live feely. And as committed mindful stewards, they are protective of it. </b></p><p><b>We too can claim our new paths. As our understanding of who we are is taking root and growing, and as our self-worth is being nourished and strengthened, we will feel a shift inside. If we pay attention to our calling and tend to our truths, that shift will lead us in a new direction.</b> </p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>We will break out of our cages. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>We will determine our paths. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>We will be very clear about how to protect all of it. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>We will do whatever we need to in order to stay on our paths.</b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b>We will be free. </b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><i><b><br /></b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Coming Summer 2021 ! Get ready to break free!!</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #800180; font-size: medium;"><i>SHIFTING </i>Bravely</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #800180; font-size: medium;">A path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180;"><i></i></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dyEB2ZNF2c5dUoZxBP_3ytTJ2BC0Md2-vSxPpF-HE_j9jQy330PkndEC6WNS1AqDv_TAPed0rkbLofVh_SdJA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></i></div><i><br /></i><p></p><p style="text-align: center;">For more healing resources, please visit</p><p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.hollikenley.com" target="_blank">Holli Kenley </a><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley" target="_blank">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley" target="_blank">Instagram</a>, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share" target="_blank">Amazon Author</a></b><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b>For additional readings on how to discover yourself and define your self-worth, check out the following blog series:</b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><i>From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough </i></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/01/self-shaming-increasing-our.html" target="_blank">Week One: Increasing Our Understanding</a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><a href=" https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/01/self-shaming-external-causes.html" target="_blank">Week Two - External Causes</a></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/01/from-self-shaming-to-becoming-enough.html" target="_blank">Week Three - Internal Causes </a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/01/from-self-shaming-to-becoming-enough_29.html" target="_blank"><b>Week Four - It's Impact On Us</b></a><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/02/from-self-shaming-to-becoming-enough.html" target="_blank"><b>Week Five - Healing</b></a></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b>For additional readings on how to tend to past wounds, injuries, and injustices, consider an empowering self-help recovery book by Holli Kenley:</b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855" target="_blank">"Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within"</a><br /></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt7EICkl2qgkL6t7CueZUvkqsVGZAykWso9rkDjXEX5rOnoriNERt-7V-6gAJdJvm2kompXaTs2t_TvYvdg4RhZVMNkWywJcY94mN6Z0WRkscxo5cj_0eG_v3LrCXZLLPJMANYjTBCUPs/s1320/BTB+Cover+Twitter.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1320" data-original-width="977" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt7EICkl2qgkL6t7CueZUvkqsVGZAykWso9rkDjXEX5rOnoriNERt-7V-6gAJdJvm2kompXaTs2t_TvYvdg4RhZVMNkWywJcY94mN6Z0WRkscxo5cj_0eG_v3LrCXZLLPJMANYjTBCUPs/w148-h200/BTB+Cover+Twitter.jpg" width="148" /></a></div><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b>Thank you, <a href="https://momastery.com/" target="_blank">Glennon Doyle</a>, for writing this beautiful book - "Untamed." </b></p><p style="text-align: left;">Doyle, G. (2020) Untamed. New York, NY. The Dial Press</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6T-K3ajAgsgMsehtIjloZghmLs2jACLL5rzJgvJS_nLWMmpmTGnmcUj1w7jna6zuy2ZG-MdrWxksTn_Fu1FgLz2XiINkcOdDkuaCFjQVx0UM-jFOmIPnQhMYSliWFnxiIs9rHT-j90o8/s499/Untamed.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="499" data-original-width="331" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6T-K3ajAgsgMsehtIjloZghmLs2jACLL5rzJgvJS_nLWMmpmTGnmcUj1w7jna6zuy2ZG-MdrWxksTn_Fu1FgLz2XiINkcOdDkuaCFjQVx0UM-jFOmIPnQhMYSliWFnxiIs9rHT-j90o8/w133-h200/Untamed.jpg" width="133" /></a></div><br /><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br /></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-5611993263702150702021-01-19T10:22:00.029-08:002021-04-18T11:34:39.343-07:00COVID Pandemic: Grief and Gifts <p><b>As we near the one year anniversary of the COVID Pandemic, our lives have been ravaged on every level. </b>We have spent much of the last year grieving our losses: personal, relational, professional, financial, and of course, loss of human life. Although there is hope on the horizon with various vaccines, we can anticipate there will be more loss impacting us in the months ahead before we begin to reclaim and restore our lives more fully. </p><p>As tragic as all this is, over the past year I have had the privilege of witnessing how my clients have experienced a series of "shifts" during this difficult time of heartbreak, stress. and overwhelm. <b>It has reminded me that even during the darkest days of this COVID Pandemic, there is indeed Grief. And, if we are willing to receive them, there are Gifts. </b></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp494Xz8fKC8SzBzsKW6W5u-WQwtI2yHDZTwb8ifw8JUTz11gpzslXWeHyBMfnvuxre-I4hvfdlmrRsoFS6c4Z1Uw6NI_GBS9UvjWjyhp34oozTccL6HIrJWXttHHOZJm0FUK9IjkWSuw/s736/less-is-more-quote.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="736" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp494Xz8fKC8SzBzsKW6W5u-WQwtI2yHDZTwb8ifw8JUTz11gpzslXWeHyBMfnvuxre-I4hvfdlmrRsoFS6c4Z1Uw6NI_GBS9UvjWjyhp34oozTccL6HIrJWXttHHOZJm0FUK9IjkWSuw/w320-h320/less-is-more-quote.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><p><u><b>Gift One: Less Is More</b></u></p><p><b>As soon as the pandemic hit, the brakes were put on our lives.</b> Most of us were forced to come to an immediate stop or at the very least take our foot off the accelerator.Young people and adults alike are accustomed to going and doing, filling our lives with work, activities, and tending to our relationships. For so many of us, driving at a slower speed has been hard. <b>The busyness of life has defined our quality of life. </b></p><p>Several of my clients have described how the pandemic has slowed everything down. Although they miss certain routines, they have taken advantage of this time to reassess how they are choosing to spend time, as a family, as partners, and as individuals. <b>In doing so, they are being more selective about who or what they invite into their lives. Meaningful time together and purposeful activities define quality of life, not crammed schedules with stressed out adults and children. </b></p><p>Several of my clients have enjoyed working from home, taking advantage of the comforts of being in close proximity to loved ones. Many describe a more relaxed, calmer pace. Due to financial restraints as well as limited options, many parents are discovering creative ways to re-engage and connect with their children such as making or building things together, painting, wood-working, and crafting. A few couples are discovering their love for cooking or learning how to share in household responsibilities. Couples report an appreciation for the roles of one another. Another client, who was let go from a high pressure job within a toxic environment, has begun an online business. She is feeling less anxious and is sleeping better. <b>Most importantly, clients have shared how doing away with constant distractions and overly-committed diversions has reduced anxiety and stress. This in turn has improved the quality of their wellbeing and of their loved ones. </b></p><p>Recently, a client thoughtfully disclosed her takeaway from this period of slowing down, <b><span style="color: #0c343d;">"I've come to realize how much stuff my family and I don't want or need. We don't have to fill every minute and go, go, go all the time. We've come to appreciate one another and embrace that "less is more."</span></b></p><p>Before you read on, pause and answer these two questions:</p><p><span style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">How has your life slowed down?</span></b></i></span></p><p><span style="text-align: center;"><i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">What have you come to appreciate about "less is more" and how have you incorporated it into your life?</span></b></i></span></p><p><span style="text-align: center;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz-fynA7yW7xXoVT8IkeKNWUBoCDbKEyUT3FG8WbmStnS7zV5PXUiBs9_ZL_hql5CN5pfXKvlT3wroev8Xf0ENPYmXUXh5ZdxWscXjxPN1z3TkcZ2Be_bIA65EVqRg7x1UNapkIIScLzI/s620/dont-wait-until-its-too-late-you-might-not-get-another-chance.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="620" data-original-width="620" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz-fynA7yW7xXoVT8IkeKNWUBoCDbKEyUT3FG8WbmStnS7zV5PXUiBs9_ZL_hql5CN5pfXKvlT3wroev8Xf0ENPYmXUXh5ZdxWscXjxPN1z3TkcZ2Be_bIA65EVqRg7x1UNapkIIScLzI/w320-h320/dont-wait-until-its-too-late-you-might-not-get-another-chance.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><p></p><p><b><u>Gift Two: Learn What Is Important</u></b></p><p><b>Although this gift is similar to Gift One: Less Is More, it takes on a more personal and a deeper perspective. We must acknowledge that each person's loss is very individual, depending on its degree of importance and meaning</b>. Over the past year, my clients have lost loved ones, pets, jobs, marriages, friends, relationships, and of course for many, a sense of security and safety. The degree of loss has been incalculable. </p><p><b>Remarkably, as clients have moved through their losses, each one in his/her own way and time, has surfaced through the crushing waves of grief. </b>And as each one has begun to experience the calm of acceptance, each has shared how the loss has been a reminder of what is important. We see and hear on the news or on our social networking sites stories of lessons learned and of timely reminders: Hold each other tightly; Don't forget to say I love you; Don't let the sun go down on your anger. <b>Most importantly, don't wait until someone or something is gone before you appreciate its meaning in your life. </b></p><p>One client spoke softly of her insightful gift during this time of loss, <b><span style="color: #0c343d;">"Not only have I learned what is really important in my life, but I've learned how to be grateful for what is in my life today. Doing so has changed how I feel about everything and everyone. I feel blessed."</span></b></p><p>Before you continue, pause and respond.</p><p><i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">What is important to you now that you didn't realize before?</span></b></i></p><p><i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">What changes have you made or will you make?</span></b></i></p><p style="text-align: center;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicw-9stHoo0WfNdAR3ouG5dh9OcrVt8SWnXFhAB3CZfi2Btlsq6xHFQY40lZmMS7zNMHyMy769l3hG5SJrvS_hiPUxwHatG89b8SRW87wmvJAEYNnwg8LWsVthx3P6Jw34iftXrQ9OOE0/s300/lean+into+discomfort.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="168" data-original-width="300" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicw-9stHoo0WfNdAR3ouG5dh9OcrVt8SWnXFhAB3CZfi2Btlsq6xHFQY40lZmMS7zNMHyMy769l3hG5SJrvS_hiPUxwHatG89b8SRW87wmvJAEYNnwg8LWsVthx3P6Jw34iftXrQ9OOE0/w400-h224/lean+into+discomfort.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u><br /></u></b></div><div style="text-align: left;"><b><u>Gift Three: Lean Into Discomfort </u></b></div><p></p><p><b>This past year has been filled with discomfort.</b> Of course, with physical discomfort, it is common sense to embrace any healthy remedy or strategy in order to diminish, manage, or extinguish it. With emotional or psychological discomfort, we also seek out solutions to lessen or eliminate our pain. Sometimes, our choices for doing so are healthy; sometimes they are not. </p><p>One of the most amazing gifts I have witnessed over this past year is how clients have chosen not to deny or disregard their psychological discomfort. <b>Most importantly, they have chosen not to deal with their discomfort in unhealthy ways. Instead, they have chosen to lean into it.</b></p><p><b>This past week, I was blown away by three of my clients.</b> For months, they have been unearthing and rooting out their discomfort. Bravely, they have forged their way through the thick awful muck of betrayal, deceit, rejection, abandonment, loss, and "not being enough." Dozens of times, each one of them could have given up, thrown in the towel, and run from the discomfort. Each one did not. <b>Each stuck with the process of self-growth and is now emerging as a strong, resilient, empowered truer version of herself. </b></p><p>Although I think each one of these clients would have embraced her journey in her time, <b>I believe that because of the COVID pandemic, each was forced to slow down and quiet the noise in her life.</b> As each one leaned into her discomfort and faced hard truths, she chose herself. She understood she was important, as were her emotional wellbeing and her relationships. </p><p>At the end of our session last week, one client tearfully and joyfully acknowledged her growth,<b><span style="color: #0c343d;"> "I've been denying who I am for so long. But now, I am returning to who I am meant to be. Now I understand. I had to go through all this pain to get where I am right now."</span></b></p><p><b>What a beautiful testament to her vulnerability, strength, and courage. What remarkable growth as a result of receiving and embracing this Gift. </b></p><p>Before we close, pause and respond to these questions.</p><p><b><i><span style="color: #0c343d;">What discomfort have I been denying, or disregarding, or choosing not to deal with?</span></i></b></p><p><b><i><span style="color: #0c343d;">What am I willing to commit to in order to lean into my discomfort? </span></i></b></p><p>In closing, there doesn't need to be a pandemic to grab hold of these Gifts: </p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>Less Is More, Learn What Is Important, and Lean Into Discomfort. </b></p><p style="text-align: left;">Each day, they are ours for the choosing. Now is as good of a time as any to choose YOU.</p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #800180;">Coming Summer 2021! </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180; font-size: medium;"> <b><u><i>SHIFTIING </i>Bravely</u></b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180; font-size: medium;"><b>A Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation</b></span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #800180; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dz9oUV2qo6ZUJ923Ysjxj_DVvVChnGiH3OJasaVvQgMsv_X8wB2RwNo3Vp_nlkuLtm_UCLmQjZrnAZvR31JGw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b> For more healing resources visit, <a href="http://www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a></b></div><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author </a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a>, <a href="http://www.instragram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a>, and <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a></b><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-86570835418925130512020-12-15T08:31:00.047-08:002021-01-18T15:26:51.558-08:00Brave Beautiful Men Shedding Toxic Masculinity & Sharing Truthful Messages<p><br /></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">For the past eleven years, Co-Founder of <a href="https://www.creativechangeconferences.com/news">Creative Change Conferences</a> <b>“It Happens To Boys” </b>Carol Teitelbaum, LMFT, has <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>provided a safe platform for bringing healing
to an invisible and deeply injured population in our societies - men who were
sexually traumatized as boys. Male presenters of notoriety and men known only
to those who are blessed to know them unveiled their narratives of past abuse
and ensuing recovery, dismantling normative destructive life-messages of what
is it “to be a man” and reconstructing new life-messages based on honesty,
compassion, and self-love. As each presenter told his truths, each emphasized the
importance of breaking through the cultural and societal barriers of toxic
masculinity, unwritten norms which define adherence to male gender roles and
restrict the kinds of emotions allowable for boys and men. <b>Thus, on a warm fall
day in October 2019 in Southern California, USA,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>individual professionals in the mental health
field, recovery organizations, and lay audience members collectively embarked
on a day of healing and hope, bearing witness to<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brave Beautiful Men Shedding Toxic
Masculinity & Sharing Truthful Messages.<o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><span style="font-size: 14pt; font-weight: bold;"> </span></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 14pt; font-weight: bold; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje41O7RtXAxNXnRgacVMHerx3oarymIUC5YfRQ2xBIsnw-elEuJ-VEvlg54ayKdzWOlpPdDcIS-b0HqFssraXYlc-hgs_ALLhOmmOsWVFk-5cdotHVHOhIejSil2c7jx8vJjOxIsCw9BM/s2570/AdobeStock_171522991.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1223" data-original-width="2570" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEje41O7RtXAxNXnRgacVMHerx3oarymIUC5YfRQ2xBIsnw-elEuJ-VEvlg54ayKdzWOlpPdDcIS-b0HqFssraXYlc-hgs_ALLhOmmOsWVFk-5cdotHVHOhIejSil2c7jx8vJjOxIsCw9BM/w399-h274/AdobeStock_171522991.jpeg" width="399" /></a></span></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><a href="https://www.creativechangeconferences.com/news"><b>Carol Teitelbaum</b></a>, LMFT, who specializes in the
treatment of male survivors of sexual abuse, opened the Conference. Although we
have become more accustomed to acknowledging and advocating for female victims
of <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sexual violence, Carol reminded the
audience that we are uncomfortable with <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>admitting and addressing the fact that one in
four males in the United States is sexually abused by the time he is eighteen. As
secrecy, silence, and stigma continue to shroud male victims, they are driven
further into their shame. <b>Over 86% of males who have been sexually victimized
suffer from addiction, along with depression, low self-esteem, relationship and
intimacy dysfunction, and compulsive pornography use.</b> After her opening
remarks, Carol turned and introduced her husband, <b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Frogs-Snails-Mobster-Tales-Growing/dp/0692343709/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=">Robert Teitelbaum</a>,</b> survivor
and author.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">As Robert began sharing his narrative of parental
neglect and<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>childhood sexual trauma, his
voice was soft and powerful. Although Robert has disclosed his story many
times, his words were filled with emotion. Those in the audience could sense
his vulnerability and his strength. We heard his tenderness and his courage. As
his narrative unfolded, Robert shared an extraordinary detail in his
relationship with Carol. Shortly after meeting her, Robert openly revealed his
past sexual abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While it is often
quite difficult for any survivor, male or female, to disclose past sexual abuse
or trauma to a partner, it is highly unusual for males to do so. They are
ashamed. They feel guilty. They feel responsible for the abuse. Their toxic
masculinity tells them to toughen up and take it like a man. Thus, the abuse is
repressed and it is kept at bay through unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors.<b> Robert has chosen to do just the opposite. Through his words and his
works, he has dedicated his life sharing truthful messages of human strength
and dispelling myths around male emotional weakness. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 14pt; font-weight: bold; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_2o4WmoT7O5uVfM4smhB4pBCbPcT32vEMOi-LHxAJ4rAsiHAzcK-PX9oz0iXbTV9vnYqhyIE5wgTwROPJZOD5IGg6pkMA9SiVbN3suuzOizPc6xZPUAKz2ZSgyuhHWoEbpMlP-ZytwmY/s2048/AdobeStock_132617391.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1366" data-original-width="2048" height="287" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_2o4WmoT7O5uVfM4smhB4pBCbPcT32vEMOi-LHxAJ4rAsiHAzcK-PX9oz0iXbTV9vnYqhyIE5wgTwROPJZOD5IGg6pkMA9SiVbN3suuzOizPc6xZPUAKz2ZSgyuhHWoEbpMlP-ZytwmY/w387-h287/AdobeStock_132617391.jpeg" width="387" /></a></span></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">As the day progressed, two prominent men, <a href=" https://johnleebooks.com/tag/the-flying-boy/"><b>John Lee</b></a> and <a href=" https://www.davepelzer.com"><b>Dave Pelzer</b></a>, graced the audience with their wit, intelligence, and their
vulnerabilities. John Lee, author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Flying-Boy-Healing-Wounded-Man/dp/1558740066"><b>"The Flying Boy: Healing The Wounded Man"</b></a> and other numerous emotionally rich books, spoke candidly of his struggles,
victories, and all that goes between. When he referenced the Men’s Movement (in
the United States) of the 80’s, his voice quivered and he wept quietly. He
recounted all that has not been accomplished in addressing rigid roles defined
by toxic masculinity and how much work has yet to be done in providing safe
environments for men to be emotionally vulnerable. He expressed how his heart
aches that so many men are hurting, unwilling to address their demons and thus
resorting to unhealthy behaviors and relationships. <b>Along with a personal
commitment to continue his work, John challenged the men in the audience to
heal themselves, to work their programs, and then to step out of their comfort
zones and take action.</b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Dave Pelzer, international speaker and New York Times
best-selling author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Child-Called-Childs-Courage-Survive/dp/1558743669"><b>"A Child Called It"</b></a> and a series of highly
inspirational<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>books, captured the
audience’s hearts as he continued the theme of the Conference -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>speaking your truth. As Dave recounted his
narrative of horrific maternal abuse and the long-term physical and
psychological effects, he emphasized the importance of finding his voice and of
embracing healing born out of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>transparent disclosure. Throughout his presentation, Dave wove messages
of light into the darkness, lifting our spirits with humor and reminding us of
the power of perseverance and resilience. And in sharing a very personal
struggle over the past year, Dave’s voice was soft but steady, reminding us
that he, too, has had his failings and his faults. <b>Dave told us of his
responsibility in disappointing a significant person in his life, and he reminded
us that it is up to each of us to move forward in self-forgiveness and self-love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As Dave concluded his presentation, the room
felt lighter. The messages of toxic masculinity were replaced by timely and
tender messages of truth.</b></span><b style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 14pt;"> </b></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-size: 14pt; font-weight: bold; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 107%;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJnwI_kuBuihnunpcZK8Pv01JbQbzHuoWvp2JO3PilCE-RoiYAL0Qza4PEE8KUdqxtEaXmGn2HJa3CxDJ4Uz0xTMydE6QUicsPLp-9-q4faI4hcw0iMvFebC4cVk8FxEi8uiJteY8-qoI/s2048/AdobeStock_304343550.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJnwI_kuBuihnunpcZK8Pv01JbQbzHuoWvp2JO3PilCE-RoiYAL0Qza4PEE8KUdqxtEaXmGn2HJa3CxDJ4Uz0xTMydE6QUicsPLp-9-q4faI4hcw0iMvFebC4cVk8FxEi8uiJteY8-qoI/w362-h277/AdobeStock_304343550.jpeg" width="362" /></a></span></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Mid-day and at the end of the Conference, two male
survivors<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– Scott and Daniel -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>each shared their narratives of sexual childhood
abuse. Their abuse was chronic and lasted for years. The perpetrators were
family members and older, stronger bigger children in their neighborhoods.
Because neither Scott or Daniel felt he was able to share what was going on and
because of the plethora of shame-filled messages each carried with him,
eventually both young men turned to alcohol to cope. Daniel described his
explosive anger and his inability<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to
manage it as he matured. Scott described his feelings of unlovability and self-hatred.<b>
After years of self-destructive behaviors, both men embraced recovering
journeys. Both found acceptance, belonging, and unconditional regard in groups
for men recovering from sexual abuse. Both began expressing their emotions in
healthy ways, honoring their truths and themselves. Both are currently enjoying
the companionship of healthy loving partners and families. </b>And most
importantly, as both of these brave beautiful men openly detailed the
injustices in their lives, they couched them in emotional integrity –
relinquishing the bonds of toxic masculinity and reclaiming themselves in
truthful messages.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;">Working with females and males of childhood sexual
abuse, I know the difficulty in sharing one’s story. I understand the deep
levels of shame which suffocate an individual’s being, and I am acutely aware
of the secrecy, stigma, and silence which prevent its release.<b> I also know,
that whether female or male, there must be a culture where individuals’
emotions are valued in order for victims to feel safe to disclose. We are
making progress. At the same time, we must continue working towards a healthy climate
of shedding restrictive roles and embracing the emotional freedom that comes
with sharing truth. <o:p></o:p></b></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p><b> </b></o:p></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGMcHOONdVjct6njpa8ekibBcSpEyynF3YFZc_Ail3mA5w-2EuI_dgTB7G8m2sYq-e0aHfx-AigoeUtDPNLx_T5OKIimqXZ-LQPjivPPUGsc66rfc9wZwKp7kWWUhp5b_lU_ZN0QJDtYY/s2048/AdobeStock_49335596.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1422" data-original-width="2048" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGMcHOONdVjct6njpa8ekibBcSpEyynF3YFZc_Ail3mA5w-2EuI_dgTB7G8m2sYq-e0aHfx-AigoeUtDPNLx_T5OKIimqXZ-LQPjivPPUGsc66rfc9wZwKp7kWWUhp5b_lU_ZN0QJDtYY/w391-h261/AdobeStock_49335596.jpeg" width="391" /></a></b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><b>For more healing resources, visit<b> <a href="www.hollikenley.com">Holli Kenley</a></b></b></span></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author</a></b><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><br /></p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-38561535742700934362020-10-14T14:43:00.024-07:002020-10-15T09:09:37.333-07:00For All Empaths: A Message of Comfort & A Call to Courage During COVID-19<p>Entering into our eighth month of the COVID-19 pandemic, the world is suffering. In the United States, we are not only fighting the virus, but we are also fighting one another. Our battle has played out in all aspects of our lives, dividing us even further. This is not a blog about who is right and who is wrong. <b>This blog is drawing attention to how our current state of divisiveness is affecting a rather invisible but remarkably integral part of our population - empaths. </b></p><p><b>Empaths are individuals who feel deeply. </b> They are highly sensitive to the feelings of others, especially those who need healing. Empaths connect easily with nature and are extremely aware of their surroundings. Although empaths enjoy solitude, strangers open up to them and others feel calmer in their presence. <b>Empaths feel all pain, all around them.</b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgngg-_3oO9r_soul0TOuVdRnH-1d8oet5-zQtt1B1PGzJikqFU6I3MpJd01CGiVUzQH5aquJRS5XyJGsbmY-yp8sd2-1fR1P7LGlDaLAcfm8LhKX0yosaEr3JOPUPr95D8IrT-23LbpzQ/s422/empaths+don%2527t+act+fake+v2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="281" data-original-width="422" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgngg-_3oO9r_soul0TOuVdRnH-1d8oet5-zQtt1B1PGzJikqFU6I3MpJd01CGiVUzQH5aquJRS5XyJGsbmY-yp8sd2-1fR1P7LGlDaLAcfm8LhKX0yosaEr3JOPUPr95D8IrT-23LbpzQ/w400-h266/empaths+don%2527t+act+fake+v2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><p><b>Thus, navigating an environment which has grown increasing angry, chaotic, and intolerant is extremely challenging for empaths</b>. However, they do not respond with anger. They do not become apathetic to it. <b>They ache inside. </b></p><p><b>For all empaths (and those who care deeply), this is a message of comfort and a call to courage during COVID-19. </b></p><p style="text-align: center;"> <b><span style="color: #20124d;"> During the past eight months... </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> "We are in this together" has turned into "We are each on our own." </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Never stop being there for others.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Loud voices of bullies have spread hatred and fear.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Use your quiet voice to show compassion and calm.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Everyday heroes, from all walks of life, have been largely forgotten.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Remember their service and honor them.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> A stranger who is acting aggressively may be hurting.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Never be numbed by indifference. If it is safe, reach out and help.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Numbers and statistics capture the minds of most.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Remain mindful of the people, places, and things they represent.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Anger and angst appear to be winning the day.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> Lean into decency and civility. Let your character reflect them.</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> And above all remember this...</span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b></b></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSeYhUJz9VhfSerfweDosXb7CGRn1cEhyphenhyphenoIKxCERGa-43LbOX5UkeZi_Y6FC6_9z4LxSwCpwjo0rKEsDxMzrtb3BIOO97fsB3WHVtk541Ay53GUrHgDVXTNIopdtKhgAjI-pJg4LlOGqs/s899/csm__Empaths_did_not_come_into_this_world_to_be_victims__we_came_to_be_warriors._Be_brave._Stay_strong._We_need_all_hands_on_deck.___1__78421782eb.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="899" data-original-width="600" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSeYhUJz9VhfSerfweDosXb7CGRn1cEhyphenhyphenoIKxCERGa-43LbOX5UkeZi_Y6FC6_9z4LxSwCpwjo0rKEsDxMzrtb3BIOO97fsB3WHVtk541Ay53GUrHgDVXTNIopdtKhgAjI-pJg4LlOGqs/w429-h640/csm__Empaths_did_not_come_into_this_world_to_be_victims__we_came_to_be_warriors._Be_brave._Stay_strong._We_need_all_hands_on_deck.___1__78421782eb.png" width="429" /></a></b></div><b><br /><span style="color: #20124d;"> For more healing resources, visit <a href="http://hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley</a></span></b><p></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://www.facebook.com/AuthorHolliKenley/">Facebook</a> & <a href="https://twitter.com/HolliKenley">Twitter</a> & <a href="https://Instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share" target="_blank">Amazon Author</a><br /></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"><br /></span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #20124d;"> </span></b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p><br /></p><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><p> </p>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-76818021545863625552020-09-01T12:51:00.000-07:002020-09-01T13:41:24.205-07:00Loneliness: Staying Well During COVID-19<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCB7DcO9pHC8Fohlq5QIANbucGLyuyfKOSB8tZT73ZWUhFAfEOFpBG6k3sUWrCMjd8aGtkx9lewyAdiUtKL117IKWHimu0ZAHrG1raAVJneyEl93r1vpNzcoox6EouqX4c0y5rQCe_e_s/s1600/Lonely+quote+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCB7DcO9pHC8Fohlq5QIANbucGLyuyfKOSB8tZT73ZWUhFAfEOFpBG6k3sUWrCMjd8aGtkx9lewyAdiUtKL117IKWHimu0ZAHrG1raAVJneyEl93r1vpNzcoox6EouqX4c0y5rQCe_e_s/s320/Lonely+quote+4.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
The United States and most of the world are entering into the sixth month of the COVID-19 pandemic. Re-openings and returns to "normalcy" appear to vary greatly from country to country, from state to state, and from one locality to another. And with folks embracing differing belief systems around the nature of the virus and how they choose to live their lives, there is significant variance surrounding the degree of suffering from mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, and substance abuse / addiction. <b>However, with most of my clients as well as with family and friends, many individuals seem to be struggling with one painful emotion on some level - loneliness. </b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGOfZC48nyM3LGzI29HJKKqZz0JpWY3ey93FFTYbxWyAq5FkWIe_NmPQr8OgG5OxE2OSdeerrXTN08nTcg_YKfANaHYeI1q027OIrfLzAAJV6ob8aC-3y5yv32yHdWfHSmIdyulVnXx64/s1600/Lonely+quote+3.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="720" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGOfZC48nyM3LGzI29HJKKqZz0JpWY3ey93FFTYbxWyAq5FkWIe_NmPQr8OgG5OxE2OSdeerrXTN08nTcg_YKfANaHYeI1q027OIrfLzAAJV6ob8aC-3y5yv32yHdWfHSmIdyulVnXx64/s320/Lonely+quote+3.webp" width="320" /></a></div>
<b><br /></b>
For today's blog, I was going to give you a few tips or tools for helping with your feelings of loneliness. But, I think most of you know what you need. <b>In addition, out of respect for your beliefs and the COVID guidelines within your area, there are no "blanket" recommendations which would work for everyone.</b> Thus, I want to encourage you with this thought.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i>Loneliness does not have to be a stagnant state of being. </i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i>Loneliness is an emotional gift - a time for internal reflection and strengthening yourself .</i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Over the past six months, I have witnessed most of my clients really growing, shifting, and making remarkable progress. Not only have they been committed to their recovering processes, but they have taken their time of "aloneness" to dig deep into their thoughts and experiences. They have discovered that during this period of isolation and loneliness, they are free of noise and interference which often distract from honest self-reflection and assessment. <b>They have not been stunted by their loneliness; they have strengthened themselves because of it.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyq7ER4FBzLdnMxFFOhuqFamNQzoVvT-h86W3P5A7cJ75V985KEIgsddr4GcIWFQRJqlHkmiOS76v-l2j903L5CLnb-OyucSFlcmoK7hKCRzSQ79-RItlBH8ew2gneouvxsVg0rwZ3ZQM/s1600/Lonely+quotes+1.webp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyq7ER4FBzLdnMxFFOhuqFamNQzoVvT-h86W3P5A7cJ75V985KEIgsddr4GcIWFQRJqlHkmiOS76v-l2j903L5CLnb-OyucSFlcmoK7hKCRzSQ79-RItlBH8ew2gneouvxsVg0rwZ3ZQM/s320/Lonely+quotes+1.webp" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Although there are numerous stories I could share (anonymously), one client's journey has been inspiring. Because her faith is an important part of her way of being, she has embraced her time of solitude by reading the entire Bible (twice during the six months), praying several times a day, walking several miles every day, and viewing her favorite movies and TV shows. As a single retired woman, she misses her connections and travels. However, because of her loneliness, she has turned inward, self-assessed, and bravely addressed issues around her unhealthy eating patterns - something she has avoided all her life. <b>Over the past several weeks, I have had the privilege of listening to this caterpillar's story, as her wings continue to emerge and strengthen.</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMw0Il27qD6mUTvtkWY4ZM-im8dvXPmaokp_ta8GkcJM-oXqHwB0jS3BNDAfZOSTm2ygfolCLc_8DIQomldsckLS2JP1xG3zar-Cq01yVec88Am5yYehcXA-8IdgXJifMdWEw2_Lhyphenhyphen2i4/s1600/Lonelu+quote+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMw0Il27qD6mUTvtkWY4ZM-im8dvXPmaokp_ta8GkcJM-oXqHwB0jS3BNDAfZOSTm2ygfolCLc_8DIQomldsckLS2JP1xG3zar-Cq01yVec88Am5yYehcXA-8IdgXJifMdWEw2_Lhyphenhyphen2i4/s320/Lonelu+quote+2.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
In closing, I want to share the most important gift of loneliness. COVID -19 will pass. It may still take a while, but we will move forward. <b>And when we are on the other side of it, how you navigated through it and how you utilized this "pause in your life," will be a testament to you and to your wellness. </b>You may not need to address serious mental health issues, but perhaps you are feeling stuck, dissatisfied with relationships or a living situation or with work. Use this quiet gift for sorting and sifting through these struggles. Then, begin formulating a plan for change. If you need support, seek it out. <b>Or, maybe you need to to get to <i>really</i> know yourself better... and learn how to love yourself along the way. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>There is still time. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><i><b>Did you settle for loneliness and allow it to steal your time? </b></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><i><b>Or did you spend time alone to experience, appreciate, and love yourself?</b></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRUk9uw8vQ39uQ_rBtknKXwkCe5b-9kt-YDs-BWryaXyr5TeQrjtxr8ZOo1ClPLC5WYKy6qpRhxkkDD3QDSVP6UhHmdB8SUBMBspTExAR2atdZED3FH3ukzo95gp26X-HYaGnnHexEdhY/s1600/Lonely+quote+7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="483" data-original-width="724" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRUk9uw8vQ39uQ_rBtknKXwkCe5b-9kt-YDs-BWryaXyr5TeQrjtxr8ZOo1ClPLC5WYKy6qpRhxkkDD3QDSVP6UhHmdB8SUBMBspTExAR2atdZED3FH3ukzo95gp26X-HYaGnnHexEdhY/s400/Lonely+quote+7.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i>Believe and Be Well </i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i><a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley</a></i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a> & <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a> & <a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook </a></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author </a></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></div>
<b><br /></b>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-18523468012049373992020-07-09T10:48:00.000-07:002020-08-24T11:04:23.466-07:00Recognizing Gaslighting and Restoring Sanity Amidst COVID-19Over the past several weeks, a number of my clients who have been working really hard on their wellness issues began to falter. Of course, as the COVID pandemic rages on with uncertainties around jobs, money, schooling, etc., stress is being compounded.<b> However, I noticed there was something different, something more serious.</b> And then, during an intense session with a remarkable, successful, strong female client, she broke down.<br />
<br />
<b>"Holli, I feel so confused. I don't know who or what to believe any more about COVID</b>. I feel like I am living through my childhood again with my narcissistic mother who was constantly gaslighting me. It's scary....I don't like feeling this way. <b>Why is this happening?"</b><br />
<br />
Suddenly, <b>I realized that in the divisive political climate of the United States, many individuals are feeling incredibly distressed by the incessant stream of mixed and conflicted messaging</b>. And with folks who have a history of psychological abuse, they are being triggered and re-traumatized by them. <b>At the very least, it is chaotic and confusing for everyone. </b>Over time, it weighs on us. It wears us down.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOymuALKRHtqOP6h3HnF_Ir4-Dvvf33cCzC70QmOgInhMVJ2PWuhT1xUUmyzumirxgxsK6FrABXYk-HLBAeW9xb2mvtdaNEXxWScnCkplcdEgEg6g0xmzkpV5R-yYpyIoRKQFBOld7FQE/s1600/Gaslighitng.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="275" data-original-width="183" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOymuALKRHtqOP6h3HnF_Ir4-Dvvf33cCzC70QmOgInhMVJ2PWuhT1xUUmyzumirxgxsK6FrABXYk-HLBAeW9xb2mvtdaNEXxWScnCkplcdEgEg6g0xmzkpV5R-yYpyIoRKQFBOld7FQE/s320/Gaslighitng.jpg" width="212" /></a></div>
Because my client had done a great deal of work around her relationship with her narcissistic mother prior to our therapy, she was familiar with the term <b>"gaslighting." </b>However, we reviewed its definition:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;">To manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity,</span></b></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><b><span style="color: #0c343d;"> reality, memory, or perceptions (truths)</span></b></i></div>
<br />
We discussed it further by identifying the numerous warning signs of gaslighting, especially those which were impacting her.<br />
Those who gaslight:<br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">1) Tell blatant lies</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">2) Deny they ever said something, even though you have proof</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">3) Wear you down over time</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">4) Show that their actions do not match their words</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">5) Know confusion weakens people</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">6) Try to align people against you</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">7) Tell you and others you are crazy</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;">8) Tell you everyone else is a liar</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #0c343d;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-DvgmmPiuy-YMQuD48In3ehCakueaaX2E2LptYu0fe4Mq1qY2CFtQxs3sW8vfgIKLYIJbTD4BdBpj7A5Gg0-qfM92mDmV-9qZmK-yLuJXPQfUBINy69U00BjoWMcvoS7oEXUMf95B3g/s1600/Keep+taking+time+for+yourself.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="177" data-original-width="284" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd-DvgmmPiuy-YMQuD48In3ehCakueaaX2E2LptYu0fe4Mq1qY2CFtQxs3sW8vfgIKLYIJbTD4BdBpj7A5Gg0-qfM92mDmV-9qZmK-yLuJXPQfUBINy69U00BjoWMcvoS7oEXUMf95B3g/s320/Keep+taking+time+for+yourself.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Before we concluded our session, my client and I revisited a few of the strategies required to restore sanity when living in an environment of "gaslighting."<br />
<br />
The most important of these are the following:<br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">1) Set <i>really</i> strong boundaries around the degree of contact, interaction, or involvement with the "gaslighting" source. Limit it as much as you possibly can.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">2) Surround yourself with those who care about you, your wellbeing, and who do not question your reality and your experiences.</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">3) If you are in conversation or contact with "gaslighters," practice "greyrocking" - respond with short, boring, neutral responses. Do not engage in any way. This is what they want. Do not expend your energy on them. Save your energy for you. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b>
<b>Lastly, whatever your beliefs and perspectives may be during this time of COVID, remember the following:</b><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;"> When the words and actions of someone else do not match the reality you are living in,</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;"> and when you are judged and blamed for wanting to take care of yourself, walk away. </span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Save your own sanity.</span></b></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aoF8knQ46IYFMt58uxJicXa_zegrZ89XpbX1EKQMp7qbs6_FItais3hUaCndAATy7FWsIzbxOtlHA6BsdtJtz1okW035yyfQD88J0zndeFKDY8LNJDTdejJMdxp6z8PrlVXVMDeFOpY/s1600/Be+there+for+others.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2aoF8knQ46IYFMt58uxJicXa_zegrZ89XpbX1EKQMp7qbs6_FItais3hUaCndAATy7FWsIzbxOtlHA6BsdtJtz1okW035yyfQD88J0zndeFKDY8LNJDTdejJMdxp6z8PrlVXVMDeFOpY/s1600/Be+there+for+others.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: #4c1130;">Believe and Be Well</span></b></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><i>For more healing resources, </i></span></b><b style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #4c1130;"><i> <a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley, Therapist & Author</a></i></span></b></div>
<div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #741b47;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/hollikenley">Facebook </a>, <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter</a>, <a href="http://www.instragram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author</a></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #4c1130;"><i><br /></i></span></b></div>
</div>
WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-85879755654874876382020-06-24T14:31:00.000-07:002020-07-15T16:09:55.784-07:00Staying Mentally Well During COVID: Own Your Relapse, Release Your Shame, & Get Back On Track!<b>The past few months of the COVID-19 pandemic have been hard on everyone</b>. In the past several blogs of Staying Mentally Well During COVID-19, we have discussed the psychological, physical, and economic toll it has taken on us. And, we have covered a few healing strategies for managing the myriad of stresses and their accompanying symptoms <b>(*see below).</b><br />
<br />
Today, it is important to talk about <b>Relapse - a sensitive topic which is impacting almost everyone in some form and to some degree. </b><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Before you say to yourself, "Well, I'm not an addict or alcoholic," please read on.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #073763;">We <b><i>relapse</i></b> anytime we fall back or regress into, or return to any kind of unhealthy relationship or pattern of thinking, behaving, or feeling<i><b> after </b></i>a period of stability or wellness.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Over the past several months, I have listened to clients as they beat themselves up in the followings ways:</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<ul>
<li>For giving up on their healthy eating choices</li>
<li>For blowing up at their kids after managing their anger for years</li>
<li>For drinking way too much in order to lessen anxiety and get some sleep</li>
<li>For reconnecting with unhealthy friends or family members out of sheer loneliness, only to be hurt again. The list goes on...and on.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
If you have relapsed into some kind of unhealthy pattern, I want you to know that you are not alone! You are in good company. <b>More importantly, it's never too late to begin again. Never.</b><br />
<b><br /></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuQ-E2yogbZ9EFoLsDrvkORZLzpMbuxQt5pWvTxQAvuTJKMm3_9W3IRlMrdCMg7QuvT0gyUQVbWF7vO01nO2QYUS-oiKIv2TQjO5AvQGXt5bsOn0fnNLPxNHxkoMOPNVdqFFB2RliDsUw/s1600/Relaspe+quote.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="787" data-original-width="563" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhuQ-E2yogbZ9EFoLsDrvkORZLzpMbuxQt5pWvTxQAvuTJKMm3_9W3IRlMrdCMg7QuvT0gyUQVbWF7vO01nO2QYUS-oiKIv2TQjO5AvQGXt5bsOn0fnNLPxNHxkoMOPNVdqFFB2RliDsUw/s400/Relaspe+quote.png" width="285" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>First, Own Your Relapse</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Right now, Own Your Relapse. Admit it to yourself. Write it down. Say it out loud. Share it with others who deserve or need to hear it.</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Secondly, Release Your Shame </b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Remember this. Shame is toxic. It keeps us stuck. It keeps us shut down. It robs us of all the good parts of ourselves. And, this is important...</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #073763;">Shame fuels and feeds relapse. Relapse fuels and feeds shame. </span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
Therefore, Release Your Shame. Forgive yourself. Pray, meditate, journal. Use whatever process works for you but let it go. <b>The sooner you release it, the sooner you will get back on track.</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQdpJTvOeLUrz-dTrpStfsUTcBj68LQGkjtppq2DBeepETYEaWoCZw7_H9bie3c8Q1_0wulZU8lESwDkzoiF1V6nQcLj7nBqnQov-SfDXDcY7F3Nt6Hzr-s5rxFay1yDXoZuQ5tAeHIE0/s1600/Mountain+Air+Relapse+Shame+Saying.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1120" data-original-width="1600" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQdpJTvOeLUrz-dTrpStfsUTcBj68LQGkjtppq2DBeepETYEaWoCZw7_H9bie3c8Q1_0wulZU8lESwDkzoiF1V6nQcLj7nBqnQov-SfDXDcY7F3Nt6Hzr-s5rxFay1yDXoZuQ5tAeHIE0/s400/Mountain+Air+Relapse+Shame+Saying.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Thirdly, Get Back On Track</b></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Make a commitment for returning to your healthy ways of being.</b> This might mean returning to your 12 Step meetings (online), or reconnecting with a coach, counselor, or mentor. Or, it may be creating a daily / weekly plan of goal setting with accountability measures in place. It might mean having a partner / family meeting where individuals share their plans for getting back on track and asking for their support.<br />
<br />
Many of my clients have reported that by simply getting back into their routines, with some modifications, has shifted their entire mindset! Who knew that getting up early, walking or engaging in other forms of exercising, showering, getting dressed, making the bed, etc. could feel so good and get them back on track!</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;">What ever you choose, start today. Start right now. You can do this. </span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;">COVID has taken so much from us. Don't let it take away your wellness too. </span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg07WQ3TaLikGaKWzw_6gDY1W-Oi2C71CXVoE7WKXMUxES5qEvtkBnnDfRkvEgf8oWHtZ7DNBdMDLsl2Tx0u2PQRg5gecE5qm2ltYPwB799GZA6AcKMbpWaDhRoP4b2lSVaikeVjTu91Us/s1600/Addiction-Quotes-about-struggle+%25232.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="924" data-original-width="924" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg07WQ3TaLikGaKWzw_6gDY1W-Oi2C71CXVoE7WKXMUxES5qEvtkBnnDfRkvEgf8oWHtZ7DNBdMDLsl2Tx0u2PQRg5gecE5qm2ltYPwB799GZA6AcKMbpWaDhRoP4b2lSVaikeVjTu91Us/s400/Addiction-Quotes-about-struggle+%25232.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>For more on Relapse and Recovery, consider picking up a copy of </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Air-Relapsing-Finding-Horizons/dp/1615991883">Mountain Air: Relapsing And Finding The Way Back...One Breath At A Time</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #bf9000;">You will not feel judged as I share my journey of relapse and recovery with you.</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="color: #bf9000;">And, there are a series of carefully paced exercises to get you back on track.</span></i></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQ1ACcapoOaVwHchlTLiZL7m_hdudtEjcGTZk7decSzO6RXKakVBJGJI6Sgbl30WBDODQpwzzjtxS9LG7QMOb4lKdoWjGZ37eneDnvxI88AgKaqaPpKlwXlV62FzTm1MQeix_hLtTMVc/s1600/New+Mountain+Air+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="348" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcQ1ACcapoOaVwHchlTLiZL7m_hdudtEjcGTZk7decSzO6RXKakVBJGJI6Sgbl30WBDODQpwzzjtxS9LG7QMOb4lKdoWjGZ37eneDnvxI88AgKaqaPpKlwXlV62FzTm1MQeix_hLtTMVc/s400/New+Mountain+Air+Cover.jpg" width="277" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Author and Therapist Holli Kenley </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorHolliKenley">Facebook</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a> & <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram </a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>*Other posts in this series - Staying Well During COVID-19:</b><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/03/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19.html"><b>It's Healing To Cry</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19.html"><b>It's Soothing To Soak</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_15.html"><b>It's Comforting To Draw Strength From Our Elders</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_22.html"><b>Understanding Our Grief Helps Us To Move Through It</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_29.html"><b>Avoid Comparing Your Losses and Carrying Around Guilt</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/05/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19.html"><b>Feeling Betrayed? Feeling Powerless? What Next?</b></a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/05/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_25.html"><b>Choosing What Is Healthy For You and Your Loved Ones</b></a><br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-77975590896404669982020-06-03T10:43:00.004-07:002020-06-08T16:38:47.998-07:00"Educated" Reminds Us, Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. Speak It Anyway. <b>Recently, I finished reading <a href="https://tarawestover.com/">Tara Westover's</a> powerful memoir,<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Educated-Memoir-Random-House-Large/dp/0525589988/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=">"Educated."</a></b> This blog is neither a review of her work or a critique of its content. It is about its offerings. I think one of the extraordinary gifts of "Educated" is Ms. Westover's willingness to share her story with raw and rarely revealed levels of vulnerability. I was completely taken by this book. Why? <b>Because "Educated" Reminds Us, Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. And, Tara Westover, chose to Speak It Anyway</b>.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp1zh7RtLhYPfBzPtianm9Y-lIbdd4IGLfwlmVaB5h9l4NpFh4tjY4tBvTnEcjS6bzYxxTJ0OEGVQ4rVlGay8cMqZyI6qxE_huKxebKIlkVJy7pY5xQ5MPCKNhL3pw3DnWxnLG4NPpOJc/s1600/%2523WiseWords+from+Madeleine+Albright.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="875" data-original-width="875" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp1zh7RtLhYPfBzPtianm9Y-lIbdd4IGLfwlmVaB5h9l4NpFh4tjY4tBvTnEcjS6bzYxxTJ0OEGVQ4rVlGay8cMqZyI6qxE_huKxebKIlkVJy7pY5xQ5MPCKNhL3pw3DnWxnLG4NPpOJc/s320/%2523WiseWords+from+Madeleine+Albright.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<b>Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost</b></div>
Folks often question why victims don't speak up or why they don't speak up sooner about their abuse. Although there are many reasons for not doing so and individual circumstances vary greatly,<b><span style="color: #073763;"><i> </i>Tara Westover's memoir courageously unveils the costs of speaking truth about abuse and bravely unearths their painful consequences. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="color: #073763;">Let's explore three areas of cost:</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Being Shamed</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Being Shattered</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Being Shunned</span></b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUGC3mEhL7K-XlHHdKK5G6bnxKwJUMc39SgS7pXfM3MNOVv_AmwfN1zM7ugeYHZrdBws5jPX6NRrxXtEhRnO7xwwcXcOEfxU1EXfixdl-d-5LGfMFFSVFg5ABjDY00Kp1qgbPo7ILzp6c/s1600/freedom+from+narsississtic+mother%252C+is+a+rough%25E2%2580%25A6.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="698" data-original-width="652" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUGC3mEhL7K-XlHHdKK5G6bnxKwJUMc39SgS7pXfM3MNOVv_AmwfN1zM7ugeYHZrdBws5jPX6NRrxXtEhRnO7xwwcXcOEfxU1EXfixdl-d-5LGfMFFSVFg5ABjDY00Kp1qgbPo7ILzp6c/s320/freedom+from+narsississtic+mother%252C+is+a+rough%25E2%2580%25A6.png" width="298" /></a></div>
<b>Being Shamed</b><br />
Victims who speak up against their abuse or abusers are <i><b>shamed</b></i>. Abuse is about power and control. And those who hold the power utilize it to their advantage.<b> One way to silence victims is to blame them, discredit them, and devalue them by any means.</b> Tara Westover bears this cost when speaking her truth.<br />
<br />
As Tara attempted to explain to her parents about the abuse her brother was inflicting upon her, her father demanded proof. With her mother silent, Tara cried out, "You don't need proof....You've seen it. You've both seen it." (p.423) Her parents acknowledged nothing. Instead, her father phoned her brother, the abuser, requesting his presence in order to discredit his daughter's account and further <b><i>shame</i></b> her. <br />
<br />
<i style="font-weight: bold;">Being Shamed </i>weakens victims,<i style="font-weight: bold;"> </i>placing them in a defensive and a more vulnerable position. Abusers know this.<b>Tara spoke up anyway.</b><br />
<br />
<b>Being Shattered </b><br />
Victims of abuse, regardless of the duration and severity, cary all kinds of scars - physical, emotional, psychological. Victims who have endured chronic<b><i> abuse</i></b> have a fractured sense of identify. <b>Thus,when victims do find the courage to voice their beliefs or resist those of the abuser, they question their right to do so. They question their own existence.</b> These psychological wounds of <b><i>Being Shattered </i></b> show up in the life messages victims say to themselves about themselves. This was true for Tara Westover.<br />
<br />
Tara's father did not believe in traditional medical care. After Tara chose to go against her father's edict by taking her injured brother to a hospital, her <b><i>shattered</i></b> self spoke these truths: "I am not a good daughter. I am a traitor, a wolf among sheep; there is something different about me and that difference is not good." (p. 219-220)<br />
<br />
If victims decide to test the power of the abuser by voicing a truth or choosing another path, they know they will invite additional abuse. They know they will be broken, again. For some, it is not worth the cost. <b>For countless others, like Tara, it is.</b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b>Being Shunned</b><br />
Victims who share the truth about their abuse, either to other family members or to outside sources, risk <b><i>Being Shunned not only</i> </b>by their families but by those whose allegiances lie with the abuser . <b>Tara Westover's family was no different</b>.<br />
<br />
After Tara's sister reached out to her, promising to confront their brother's abuse together, Tara's sister changed her mind. "That is how my sister ended her letter, by telling me I was not welcome in her home, or even to call her..."(p.435). Tara continues, "When I lost my sister, I lost my family." (p. 436)<br />
<br />
Family bonds are hard to undo, especially when victims are conditioned to live in environments of <i style="font-weight: bold;">Being Shamed and Shattered. </i>Most victims internalize the abuse as their fault. Most victims wage an internal war between choosing their families (while enduring horrific abuse) and envisioning a life without them. It is a cost too high for many. <b>For Tara, it was not.</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnksmS2ChyuoDoy8tM_Nl9jrhxY3Z3zwZkKNKSl08O2QNjQwZqi7gihPsybjH9JX8iCQ4qxQn5V5rLh7KCoZzUJMnQWoKLCUGqz1cjWPeRQh50ugLtir6TG7Olz_v0OChBJSJxuvYW4nc/s1600/I+Am+What+I+Choose+to+Become+-+Tiny+Buddha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="605" data-original-width="605" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnksmS2ChyuoDoy8tM_Nl9jrhxY3Z3zwZkKNKSl08O2QNjQwZqi7gihPsybjH9JX8iCQ4qxQn5V5rLh7KCoZzUJMnQWoKLCUGqz1cjWPeRQh50ugLtir6TG7Olz_v0OChBJSJxuvYW4nc/s320/I+Am+What+I+Choose+to+Become+-+Tiny+Buddha.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Tara Westover chose to<b> Speak Truth Anyway.</b><br />
<br />
Many of the reviews written about "Educated" comment about how education saved Ms. Westover's life. I disagree. <b><span style="color: #073763;">Although an education provided a path out of her environment and a backdrop from which to renegotiate her maladaptive life messages, Tara Westover saved her own life. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="color: #073763;"></span>And she did so by speaking her truth, over a span of time and in several ways:<br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Speaking Truth to Sources of Support </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;">Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self</span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b>
<b>Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story</b><br />
Because of the costs incurred, victims are conditioned not to speak their truth. However, one critical step in reclaiming themselves occurs when victims begin to<span style="background-color: white;"><i style="font-weight: bold;"> Speak Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story, </i>to</span> those who have demonstrated a modicum of safety. <b>This is not easy; it takes time. It must be tested and its benefit proven worthy of the risk.</b> Tara Westover's brother, Tyler, proved a worthy source.<br />
<br />
Although Tyler was a safe confident during Tara's early years, it was when she was older that he expressed it so profoundly in a email. He wrote: "Our parents are held down by chains of abuse, manipulations, and control...They see change as dangerous and will exile anyone who asks for it. This is a perverted loyalty...Keep safe. We [Tyler and his wife] love you." (p.469)<br />
<br />
In order for victims to begin shedding shaming messages which hold them hostage to their abusive environments, there must be the presence of someone who counters or rejects twisted beliefs and who affirms and validates their stories.<b> However, just as Tara did, it is the victim who first must be brave enough to risk speaking truth and to seek out those worthy of it. </b><br />
<br />
<b>Speaking Truth to Sources of Support</b><br />
Each time victims are able to <i style="font-weight: bold;">Speak Their Truths to Sources of Support, </i>their voices will strengthen. Tara cautiously tested the waters of speaking her truth and experienced its affirmation as she began sharing it with professors, college friends, and within personal relationships.<b> When it came time, when Tara realized she needed more intensive professional support to save herself, she turned to a counselor.</b><br />
<br />
"I enrolled in the university counseling service. I was assigned to a sprightly middle-aged woman with tight curls and sharp eyes, who rarely spoke in our sessions, preferring to let me talk it out, which I did, week after week, month after month. The counseling did nothing at first.....but their [sessions] collective power over time was undeniable." (p.470)<br />
<br />
<b>The more victims choose to share their stories in trusting and safe environments, the more they will begin separating their false fractured selves from their emerging authentic selves</b>. Tara knew she could not do this alone. She sought help. <b>She chose to save her life.</b><br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b>Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self </b><br />
Once victims experience the nourishing and healing properties which come from <i style="font-weight: bold;">Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story and Speaking to Sources of Support, </i>most are hungry to experience more. And so, they begin to <b style="font-style: italic;">Speak Truth to Honor a New Self. </b>It is up to each individual to find a venue for sharing one's voice, for on-going change, support, and growth. <b>It might mean continuing with counseling, leading /joining a support or 12-Step group, or starting an organization or a foundation. It might mean writing an article, a blog or book.</b><br />
<br />
Tara Westover chose to continue her journey of honoring herself by writing "Education." In her final chapter as she recalls a horrific night of abuse, she writes, "That night I called on her [younger injured Tara] and she didn't answer. She left me. She stayed in the mirror. The decisions I made after that moment were not the ones she would have made. They were the choices of a changed person, a new self." (p.488)<br />
<br />
In conclusion, whether survivors speak publicly about their abuse or when they establish boundaries around unhealthy relationships, they can anticipate criticism and condemnation. However, it is no longer of importance to them. <i><b>By Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self</b></i>, they are no longer held hostage to their pasts.<b style="font-style: italic;"> </b><b>Just as Tara did,<span style="font-style: italic;"> </span>survivors have become empowered, by saving themselves and living new lives.</b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
Thank you, <a href="https://tarawestover.com/">Tara Westover </a> , for reminding us that <b><span style="color: #073763;">Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. Speak It Anyway. </span></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhazv9vn-lt4B-TahzpZfFmOGW58DBss5tiUJwY3jCibTfqc79bcqF3R9K9yhtbJRLXURmdxPYEPCRZWRfm7HSJUKvXSXHhz9Csf-A38eaOlL7jX8VcChUhw5tho7IiwxEskcmrxPp4nIE/s1600/You+Are+NOT+A+Victim+For+Sharing+Your+Story.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1120" data-original-width="1600" height="280" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhazv9vn-lt4B-TahzpZfFmOGW58DBss5tiUJwY3jCibTfqc79bcqF3R9K9yhtbJRLXURmdxPYEPCRZWRfm7HSJUKvXSXHhz9Csf-A38eaOlL7jX8VcChUhw5tho7IiwxEskcmrxPp4nIE/s400/You+Are+NOT+A+Victim+For+Sharing+Your+Story.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><i>~ Believe and Be Well ~</i></span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
If <b>"Education"</b> spoke to you, you may want to read...<br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2017/09/inside-glass-castle-parents-betray.html">Inside The "Glass Castle," Parents Betray Their Children</a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Daughters-Betrayed-Their-Mothers-Brokenness/dp/1615993479">Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness</a><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnii-GYrTqfgdlRPDbLTJfN1v71-ZfTRaQ-_rbhXm94vKQcd-6yYZ6-d4KXZiG6e4cUrSHwp-hfE5UoeMOpNUxrHQjQ2aVrDNJJg-S8WV__bnAP9S2WbwnXNpieDwdUkDi_GXWl5cyoQ0/s1600/Daughters_250.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="250" data-original-width="167" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnii-GYrTqfgdlRPDbLTJfN1v71-ZfTRaQ-_rbhXm94vKQcd-6yYZ6-d4KXZiG6e4cUrSHwp-hfE5UoeMOpNUxrHQjQ2aVrDNJJg-S8WV__bnAP9S2WbwnXNpieDwdUkDi_GXWl5cyoQ0/s1600/Daughters_250.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="color: purple;"><span style="background-color: white;"><b><i>A Pearl Is A Beautiful Thing Produced By An Injured Life</i></b></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Beautiful Brave Stories of Daughters Healing From Maternal Betrayal</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/9N1VYfxVs0k/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/9N1VYfxVs0k?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-style: italic;"><b>For more healing resources, visit <a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley</a></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a> & <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram </a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook Author Holli Kenley</a></div>
<i></i><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<i><span style="font-weight: 700;"><br /></span></i></div>
</div>
<i>
</i>
<br />
*Citations<br />
Westover, T. (2018). <i>Educated: a memoire. </i>New York: Random House<br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-48263171638270692402020-05-25T10:46:00.000-07:002020-05-25T10:47:26.369-07:00Staying Mentally Well During COVID-19: Choosing What Is Healthy For You & Your Loved Ones <b>Depending on the area in which you live, most of us are beginning to enter a new phase of the COVID-19 pandemic - the reopening of our cities, counties, and states/provinces, etc</b>. As we do so, there is excitement and exuberation for some. There is still fear and frustration for others. At the very least, there is a mixture of apprehension blended with an urgency for a return to some kind of normalcy. <b><span style="color: #073763;">Although all of these feelings are to be expected and many contribute to our confusion and anxiety over what to do and how to proceed, what is most important in Staying Mentally Well During COVID-19 is Choosing What Is Healthy For You and Your Loved Ones. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQFkdUrp2kf9gWEAGpO1G87h8CJFOqISMqaOxZkPVtXhNIaYouBT983uzHAFZUEn7ME3lAMyUXjcuyzpgGHdLtx5BYy4X84HhnJNz-jo-GFQLfften4HC0GuvI4JY2aZV2aa2fp3-MJmk/s1600/Healthy+choices+%25231.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQFkdUrp2kf9gWEAGpO1G87h8CJFOqISMqaOxZkPVtXhNIaYouBT983uzHAFZUEn7ME3lAMyUXjcuyzpgGHdLtx5BYy4X84HhnJNz-jo-GFQLfften4HC0GuvI4JY2aZV2aa2fp3-MJmk/s400/Healthy+choices+%25231.jpg" width="296" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Each person, couple, or family has unique beliefs and perspectives about COVID-19. Every individual, partner, and family dynamic has differing circumstances, underlying health considerations and vulnerabilities, and each is desperately trying to navigate a number of psychosocial stressors (such as bill paying, providing enough food, accessing support services, etc.). In addition, many individuals, families, businesses, and organizations are uncertain as to their futures. <b>And thus, it is up to each person or persons to prioritize their needs and make decisions regarding their degree of re-entry based upon what is best for their physical and mental health, safety, security, and overall wellbeing.</b><b style="background-color: white;"> <span style="color: #073763;">It is important to stay grounded in your truths. It is critical that you take care of yourself. Doing so will strengthen your resolve as you continue making decisions which are in your best interest.</span></b><br />
<b style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #073763;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6xYKW8ZvQOsEhA07crzErbjOsf_2uDI9tMYoPQXWhcsnnHDN2vB8zgN1Sabdoq3UmSBWqcmOMU7OFTW_RmAZTg8tXJ7YH7ONT7iFY_gjWF2huqHasQqJdO8snlgUZpKIOugrMTrTv5w/s1600/Healthy+path+%25233.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1047" data-original-width="830" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM6xYKW8ZvQOsEhA07crzErbjOsf_2uDI9tMYoPQXWhcsnnHDN2vB8zgN1Sabdoq3UmSBWqcmOMU7OFTW_RmAZTg8tXJ7YH7ONT7iFY_gjWF2huqHasQqJdO8snlgUZpKIOugrMTrTv5w/s400/Healthy+path+%25233.jpg" width="316" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<b>Sadly, when choosing our path and what we think is best for us may cause discomfort, resentment, or feelings of judgment among circles of friends or family members who are choosing differing paths. This is understandable; however, it creates stress on us and in our relationships.</b> Therefore, it is best to explain our choices to those we care about and hope they will be respectful of our decisions.We also must respect their choices. This may mean that we do not see one another for a period of time.<b><span style="color: #073763;"> It does not mean that the relationship has to end. COVID-19, with all its trappings, does not relinquish us to a permanent placement of isolation and separateness.This will pass.</span></b> And when it does,<b> if we have navigated this period of time with decency regarding our differences rather than with disdain, those gaps in our relationships are more likely fill up again with the shared joys and pleasures which once connected us.</b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEAd86vnvO7UpmoCy1Oxw4Oou-hLg7M7jJRDUWKWU4hAcDkOauSP9dP7Iibw82_9XWB1nhKzVe7Q9VXCYjQIwAlM9b0b4cADrDB8eCC7mY1YxrJuGX4lbVPADqSCPT6E2w-AtE3v0sMJE/s1600/Healthy+path+%25234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1500" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEAd86vnvO7UpmoCy1Oxw4Oou-hLg7M7jJRDUWKWU4hAcDkOauSP9dP7Iibw82_9XWB1nhKzVe7Q9VXCYjQIwAlM9b0b4cADrDB8eCC7mY1YxrJuGX4lbVPADqSCPT6E2w-AtE3v0sMJE/s400/Healthy+path+%25234.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
It is important to note that during the COVID-19 pandemic, the behavior of some individuals may endanger the health of others. Although I do not condone reckless behaviors, I encourage you to reflect on this. <b>There are so many things in life we cannot control. The more time we expend on negative thinking and emotions, the less energy we have for ourselves. And right now, we need all the positive healing inner support we can muster.</b><br />
<br />
So for now remember ...<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #073763;">Being true to what is healthy for you and your loved ones will strengthen your mental wellbeing.</span></i></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #073763;">Focusing on your needs and those you love releases you from forces beyond your control.</span></i></b><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBmtvNaliys-ORGIypH_pKpsKqkskHAFYQkFtEjGn89d8jtRyyoL4_J8D70Bpai959WAjDtw0FJimx7UiOlq8rUmoznyqdBhh7AHbiSvo03KcHf8MC-J1Tmfgn0INGmgu-0CRsSRpafpE/s1600/Healthy+choice+%25232.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="260" data-original-width="420" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBmtvNaliys-ORGIypH_pKpsKqkskHAFYQkFtEjGn89d8jtRyyoL4_J8D70Bpai959WAjDtw0FJimx7UiOlq8rUmoznyqdBhh7AHbiSvo03KcHf8MC-J1Tmfgn0INGmgu-0CRsSRpafpE/s400/Healthy+choice+%25232.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><i><span style="color: #444444;">~ Believe and Be Well ~</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><i><span style="color: #444444;"><br /></span></i></b>
<b><span style="color: #073763;">For more healing resources, visit <a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/">Holli Kenley, MA, LMFT</a></span></b><br />
<b><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share">Amazon Author</a></b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.facebook.com/authorhollikenley">Facebook</a></b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a> & <a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a></b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
<br />WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4361875114315795637.post-51124809431260361542020-05-09T10:28:00.000-07:002020-05-09T10:28:06.584-07:00Staying Mentally Well During COVID-19: Feeling Betrayed? Feeling Powerless? What Next?As the COVID-19 pandemic continues to wreak havoc with every aspect our lives, the grief we are experiencing is beginning to subside. <b>Confusion, denial, shock and sadness are being replaced by more confusion, anger, and feelings of complete and total powerlessness.</b> This is important. It never has been nor will it ever be the intent of this blog to advance any political agenda. This blog is about our mental health. <b>Therefore, it will suffice to say that as COVID-19 is ravaging people's lives, folks are feeling betrayed, for all different kinds of reasons and from a plethora of sources. </b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjbaCO-Kr3gsO4P65XOJHt4kKkiIZTUCKLdtFZ1A3PBQZW5Rp0qgQFBSbISgUapS9IGDVYRPq6VYPdod3BHGByE4o__lICfe7MT7CHDXV0FbcV6s5OODS_AKza8DvRdjjQtn-1uS1oWSY/s1600/State+of+powerlessness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="910" data-original-width="1600" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjbaCO-Kr3gsO4P65XOJHt4kKkiIZTUCKLdtFZ1A3PBQZW5Rp0qgQFBSbISgUapS9IGDVYRPq6VYPdod3BHGByE4o__lICfe7MT7CHDXV0FbcV6s5OODS_AKza8DvRdjjQtn-1uS1oWSY/s400/State+of+powerlessness.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
<b>What is important in staying mentally well during COVID-19 is for individuals to understand that when we are betrayed, we enter into a state of powerlessness</b>. Why? Because we are prisoners of circumstances we did not create, and we are held hostage to the decisions of others. What is so frightening about this state of powerlessness is at one moment we may feel very vulnerable and weak. At other times, we feel extremely volatile and rage-filled. It's crazy-making as we volley back and forth between these conflicting, disturbing emotions. How then do we move forward? <b>What do we do next?</b><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8kI49DSXe2LrPFkNLIcUvDrZFVuKjBbLL8NwI3eUGF3lHzCxkr23n8AWHKAFylBy-5ymYJYSyW-CxQBLqnc_DqNN8DLtGn33a3nBfkE9WEZGlaN0vMywRy5znmwydorGoG_LTTIQ1oKs/s1600/let+go+of+negative+emotions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="565" data-original-width="849" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8kI49DSXe2LrPFkNLIcUvDrZFVuKjBbLL8NwI3eUGF3lHzCxkr23n8AWHKAFylBy-5ymYJYSyW-CxQBLqnc_DqNN8DLtGn33a3nBfkE9WEZGlaN0vMywRy5znmwydorGoG_LTTIQ1oKs/s400/let+go+of+negative+emotions.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
What I am about to say will not change your circumstances. However, it will change how you manage your mindset moving forward. <b>First, with everything else out of our control, we do have the power to choose how we want to respond</b>. Do not fall victim to your feelings of weakness or rage. If they come up, acknowledge them, feel them briefly, and let them go. The longer you hold on to negative emotions, the longer they will hold onto you. These toxic emotions will make you sick. <b>And remember, staying mentally well is also about your family members and loved ones. They need you to be well.</b><br />
<b><br /></b>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhttCYAVn_y_KQmM2rKwIBwcQnaIaCH63zgtQIcv5s6Ujcn8luTl6Xyz0M2JCj6-KSWkG1NJsTHbaGjEKTf6zOiI-YJ1p-9_4ZhdsPOIJoKp0TXUDzMVdD94oSEh-_-pT5WMlWdtpVuHS4/s1600/Maya+Angelo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhttCYAVn_y_KQmM2rKwIBwcQnaIaCH63zgtQIcv5s6Ujcn8luTl6Xyz0M2JCj6-KSWkG1NJsTHbaGjEKTf6zOiI-YJ1p-9_4ZhdsPOIJoKp0TXUDzMVdD94oSEh-_-pT5WMlWdtpVuHS4/s400/Maya+Angelo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<b>Secondly, focus on the things in your life that you do have control over. It may not be much, I know. But it's important you begin to feel empowered, even in small ways.</b> Sit down with family members and loved one. Make a list of the things you can control, given your circumstances and the safety guidelines in your community. Recently, one of my clients who is a bit of a <i>control freak</i> (as she calls herself) shared with me, "Holli, everything is a mess and completely out of my control. I'm so stressed and filled with anxiety. Bills are mounting. My husband and I don't know if we will have jobs to go back to. But, we have our little girl, and I am choosing every day to be a good mom." Wiping a few tears away she spoke softly, "Although some days are harder than others, I know that every day it is up to me to be an example for her." <br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifY5uiKCSCB8yLxoQtok1JCYB2A1tjmO_Nq1OBIALNnl5gvNMNsasTev4CkU50YYEzBNbrVDTIUYkxKSpoHN4spr5vG-xi4KjvH4ptmkK5VyO8iYklU-AJZeRpviun4FP0Jl-nI13lkCY/s1600/Bitter+or+better.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="688" data-original-width="698" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifY5uiKCSCB8yLxoQtok1JCYB2A1tjmO_Nq1OBIALNnl5gvNMNsasTev4CkU50YYEzBNbrVDTIUYkxKSpoHN4spr5vG-xi4KjvH4ptmkK5VyO8iYklU-AJZeRpviun4FP0Jl-nI13lkCY/s320/Bitter+or+better.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Lastly, although there are no certainties around COVID and its longevity, we can learn from past betrayal experiences and claim these timeless truths.<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b> Being powerless is <i>not</i> a permanent placement. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b>It is a state we enter into, go through, and in time, we will move beyond it. </b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: #073763;"><i>How well we do so is on each of us. </i></span></b></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b>Believe and Be Well</b></span></div>
More posts in this series:<br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/03/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19.html">It's Healing To Cry</a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19.html">It's Soothing To Soak</a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_15.html">It's Comforting To Draw Strength From Our Elders</a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_22.html">Understanding Our Grief Helps Us To Move Through It</a><br />
<a href="https://wellnesswithholli.blogspot.com/2020/04/staying-mentally-well-during-covid-19_29.html">Avoid Comparing Your Losses and Carrying Around Guilt</a><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
For more help with <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Through-Betrayal-Recovering-Within/dp/1615992855"><b>Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within</b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj5mTN58vjAbVTYz6869hKioOqdue_57QO-EOGJRQYSrKgqS3qO8AXu36uY4moOgkD2RGX_sARNxMBTgzPZNugGG1t2H4HrHHeY3hv8jOa3uEonw9HO-fvLLUAu1jRHk_qcWTHvzLbUFE/s1600/BreakingThroughBetrayal_cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1320" data-original-width="977" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj5mTN58vjAbVTYz6869hKioOqdue_57QO-EOGJRQYSrKgqS3qO8AXu36uY4moOgkD2RGX_sARNxMBTgzPZNugGG1t2H4HrHHeY3hv8jOa3uEonw9HO-fvLLUAu1jRHk_qcWTHvzLbUFE/s320/BreakingThroughBetrayal_cover.jpg" width="236" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.hollikenley.com/"><b>More from Holli Kenley</b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Holli-Kenley/e/B003299A5C%3Fref=dbs_a_mng_rwt_scns_share"><b>Amazon Author</b></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><a href="http://www.twitter.com/hollikenley">Twitter </a> & <a href="http://www.instagram.com/hollikenley">Instagram</a></b></div>
<b> </b>WellnessWithHollihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16094052314314681903noreply@blogger.com0