Parent Tech Trap: How Do I Know What Is Best For My Children?

I thought it was hard raising my daughter in the 80's and 90's.  Of course, there were challenges, but my heart goes out to parents and guardians who are currently raising children. I think it is much more difficult and dangerous today. Why? Two reasons. First, our children's degree of access and exposure to and consumption of anything  has increased exponentially, especially to technology. Secondly, social normative behaviors have conditioned us into believing that if we don't go with the flow, our children will miss out.  Let's examine how responsible adults can navigate the Parent Tech Trap and find answers to the question, "How Do I Know What Is Best For My Children?"  
                                                                     

Who I Am Matters.  What I Do As A Parent or Guardian Matters.

                                                                                          
In answering the question "How do I know what is best for my children?", it is vital that parents and guardians understand two principles. Let's take a look at the first one.

• The degree of access and exposure to or consumption of anything is a predictor to the degree of consequence

This is an incredibly important concept, not only in parenting, but in healthy living for all individuals. When we enjoy something in moderation, it enhances our lives.  It brings us pleasure. Think of all the different aspects to your life where balance is important or where intake is carefully monitored. A few examples include the following: certain types of food, time set aside for exercising or engaging in a hobby, hours at work, money spent on certain items, etc. In any of these areas, when our degree of access and exposure to or consumption of the behavior takes on an obsessive nature or excessive pattern, it no longer is healthy for us. 

The same concept applies to our technology. We want to keep our intake in balance. We want to monitor our usage and our children's. However, many parents and guardians struggle with this. In guiding you in whatever changes you might decide to make regarding what is best for your children in their relationship with technology, please keep in mind these two critical concepts:

1) Up to their mid to late 20's, your children's brains are growing and developing.  The pre-frontal cortex (the rational front part of the brain which regulates emotion) does not fully develop until the late 20's. Technology, with all its wonders and enticements, has been purposely engineered to tap into the sub-cortical part of the brain, prematurely activating its reward pathways while reinforcing and conditioning them. In other words, if you are wondering why it is so hard for your children to stop playing a video game, put their phones away, or stop texting or messaging someone, your children cannot help it. Their brains have developed a dependence on the positive neural reinforcements in the form of dopamine surges (feel-good hormone). And, the more exposure to and engagement a child has with technology, the more the sub-cortical part of the brain (emotions and response to reward) will be reinforced. This in turn, along with other neurological consequences, hinders the healthy development of the pre-frontal cortex. 

2) Because analytical thinking and rational processing do not fully develop until mid to late 20's, your children's brains are not able to make sound, rational, reasonable decisions.  Therefore, when children and teens are left to roam freely among the Internet, engaging in social networking sites and participating in online activities, they are at risk of being placed in harm's way.  Why? Because while they are navigating territory which requires a mature, well-informed thoughtful response, their brains are not equipped to make complex rational judgments.  This concept not only applies to technology, but to any situation where children are  expected to "think like an adult." Thus, when parents and guardians are trying to decide what is best for their children, it is critical to not get caught in the Trap of thinking, "Well, he has a good head on his shoulders.  He'll be fine." or "It's okay. I taught her to do the smart thing." When a child or teen sends out an inappropriate text, cyber bullies another individual, or befriends a stranger online, most often it is in response to an emotional appeal or draw. This is how they "think." 

In deciding what is best for your children, I will provide you with some resources at the end of today's blog. For now, remember, the key word is "BALANCE."  We are not talking about banning technology! A healthy diet of technology is just as important as a healthy intake of food!

Let's take a look at the second reason why it is often so confusing to know what it best for our children.

• Social normative behaviors dictate that if we do not go with the flow, our children will miss out

Look around. What do you see?  Almost everyone is on his or her technology: faces buried in phones, hands typing on laptops, or family and friends playing video games. It's ubiquitous!  And so, the pressure for parents and guardians to buy their children the latest technology and allow them access to it is understandable.  They don't want their children to miss out.  But, the problem is this - they are missing out.  Because this is a very complex and lengthy concept, we are going to touch upon two principles as you consider what is best for your children.
             

1) Children who are very reliant upon technology for communication and interaction are learning one set of social skills, but not the important ones. Yes, children are learning how to communicate and interact - indirectly. They know how to interface electronically; however, when it comes to face to face interaction, their social skills are lacking. Young people raised largely with or by technology struggle with the following: unable to read social cues, uncomfortable making eye contact or conversing in person, inability to think spontaneously, and incapable of  forming deep connections or feeling empathy for others. Overall, studies where children are raised on a heavy diet of technology have shown a lack of social emotional development and resilience. 

2) Children who view their worth  primarily through the lens of technology are being defined externally.  Every generation has "peer pressure" and most children and teens want to fit in.  This is completely understandable.  However, in today's world, social comparison is on steroids!  Because children can see what their friends or individuals they follow are doing 24/7, where they are going, what they are buying, who they are hanging out with, and so on, children measure their worth and value against these external messages. Unable to compete or measure up or keep up, many young people internalize these feelings as "not being enough," "not being important," and " being invisible." When children's worth is defined though external messaging, it is artificial and fleeting. It is only when children's worth is defined internally, through consistent nourishment and love from parents and guardians and in instilling real and lasting values will children "feel enough."

Therefore, in deciding what is best for your children and moving out of the Parent Tech Trap, consider what will benefit them in the long term, even it it means going against the flow. When I am speaking to parents and guardians, I often say,

 "We don't know what we are missing until we know what we are missing." 

Parents and guardians, your children need you. They need your love. They need to feel that they belong.  They need your acceptance. When you take time to make yourselves available to your children - to show them that they matter - they will not care as much about their technology and they will not feel like they are missing out on anything. 

Below are two resources which are filled with tools for empowering parents and guardians.  While I provide you with lots of information and with specific strategies for protecting your children, parents and guardians are able to tailor the approaches to fit your family's needs.

If you need help specifically around technology and achieving a healthy balance, please consider:

Power Down & Parent Up: Cyber Bullying, Screen Dependence and Raising Tech-Healthy Children

If you would like to build stronger parent-child relationships and take your parenting to the next level, check out my new book:

Pilates For Parenting:

 Stretch Yourself and Strengthen Your Family

For more resources or to contact me, please visit Holli Kenley
I am here to help and support you!

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