WellnessWithHolli

As I have gotten older, I have noticed "Seniors Behaving Badly"!! They can also experience Couple Trouble!! Gen Xers, Millennials, and iGeners , take note! A few summers ago, I spent several months in the Palm  Springs area of Southern California. Although I had worked in the desert for many years, I had not lived there for a very long time. Because it is largely a retirement community, there is a substantial senior population, even during the summer months.  As the weeks passed, I was often taken back by the disrespectful and often mean behavior between senior partners .  Whether it was in a grocery store, or in line at a movie theater, or at a restaurant, I was frequently shocked and saddened at the level of arguing between them or of one partner barking at the other over nothing, and at the complete lack of patience, respect, or kindness exhibited from one spouse towards the other. It is not that I was naive to this sort of behavior; however, it seemed to jump out at...

For the past several weeks, we have been discussing Couple Trouble - What Is At The Root Of It?  and  You Mean, "I" Have To Change?   If you have not read the previous two blogs, please do so! Today's blog will make more sense and the exercises will be more meaningful. Once both partners have finished the L ife Messages Exercise  - completing all five sections - you are ready to Rediscover and Reconnect with one another. Let's get started. Share Life Messages First , set aside an hour when both partners are available to meet. Make sure there are no interruptions or distractions.  Kids need to be put to bed or safely occupied. Put away all technology and/or work commitments!  Find a quiet comfortable place to meet and sit, facing each other. Bring your L ife Messages Exercises  to share with your partner. Secondly , follow the steps in the Empathic Reflective Listening Exercise .  One partner begins while the other listens.There is no in...

Last time, we discussed an extremely important cause when it comes to Couple Trouble. Please go back and read  Couple Trouble? What's At The Root Of It?  This will give you a better understanding of today's blog. And, please complete the exercise on life messages. However, before we move on, I want to answer a really good question that was asked by a reader! Painful Life Messages Holli, aren't most of the problems that couples have - like arguments, personality conflicts, opposing needs or priorities, personal or relational stresses, parenting disagreements, and even unhealthy behaviors such as addictions or obsessions - a manifestation (an outcome) of each partner's painful life messages?   In my opinion, yes (*see note below) . In fact, aside from genetic predispositions and/or from organic pathology or psychosis or excluding life-altering events or diagnoses, I believe that most couples find themselves in trouble because of their innate integration of their ...

Every year I have the pleasure of attending and often  presenting at the Annual Conference of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT). Although Marriage and Family Therapists work in many different areas of therapy, the heart of our work centers around relationships. After attending several workshops at a recent conference which dealt specifically with unhealthy family systems (family units), I was reminded of how and why it is so easy for any relationship  - especially those of couples - to experience trouble. Although couples can struggle because of serious issues/offenses, chronic stresses, personality conflicts, physical or mental illnesses/disorders, addictions, and/or underlying psychological pathology, for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to address an area of causation not often identified or articulated . Thus, it erodes couples' relationships for months or even years, and frequently leaves them in crisis , with one or both partners ...

When I am discussing relapse, it is important to clarify that I am referring to any individual who falls back into or regresses into to a previous pattern of unhealthy thinking, behaving, or feeling. In other words, I am not speaking solely of issues of addiction;  I am talking about letting go of current healthy habits, rituals, practices, or ways of being and replacing them with thoughts, behaviors or emotions that are harmful to us. With this broad definition, it is not uncommon for most couples to struggle through a relapse episode of some kind. I'd like to touch upon two healing insights into how relapse impacts couples and then close with an informative and restorative interview I did recently with Dr. Karen Sherman, host of "Your Empowered Relationships". Hiding in Shame The first insight I want to share or to remind couples about is that when an individual relapses, regardless of the type or kind, there is an incredible degree of shame. This is important t...

Valentine's Day is almost here!  Are you ready?  More importantly, do you feel that your relationship is stronger now that we are constantly 'connected' through technology? Many couples that I have talked with, especially females, are experiencing a loss of connection with their partners even though they are interacting electronically throughout the day! Why might this be?  We'll take a look at why in just a moment, but for now,  I'd like you to Tech-Proof Your Relationship by taking a little quiz! Answer Yes or No. Remember, Yes means true most of the time . Be honest and don't over-think your responses! Also, when answering the questions on your technology habits and usage, we are talking about time spent on  any electronic device.  Also, any work time spent on technology is not included. However, this should not exceed 8 hours per day, 5 days a week. Not weekends!  OK, here we go! 1.  I spend more face to face time with tech...