WellnessWithHolli

We are having a discussion about Healthy Families. If you are new to this series, please return to  Part One Healthy Families: Is Mine Free of Entanglements? , and  Part Two Healthy Families: Is Mine Flexible? Then join us here. We are examining families as a “system.” In other words,   families are like complex moving machines   where each individual is an integral   and interdependent part to its overall level of functioning and wellbeing. Today, we move to Part Three Healthy Families: Is Mine For-Giving? Any system functions well when there is a shared mindset of For-Giving. We are not talking about the   traditional definitions of forgiveness when one party pardons, excuses, or absolves another.   We are talking about an intentional interplay between family members in which each person is responsible for the wellbeing of the system by implementing three behaviors. Families are healthy when they share a mindset of For-Giving: To Se...

For several decades, my dad maintained an extraordinary garden filled with an assortment of Deliberate Cultivation scrumptious melons, colorful chili peppers, various beans and mouth-watering tomatoes! After enjoying several seasons of delicious delights, the cool temperatures of winter brought change with it. My dad meticulously removed all the dead plants from his designated garden boxes, rolled up his hoses, turned off his drip system, and methodically secured his plethora of tools in his neatly arranged garden shed.  The soil remained in its solitary mode until the warmth of spring signaled the arrival of planting season.  Beginning his yearly ritual, my dad tended to his boxes making sure their structures were solid and secure. He checked and rechecked the drip system. My dad spent days cleaning out the remnants of debris, raking through the layers of earth while gingerly feeding it nutrients from a nearby compost pile. And then with his hands, he tenderly removed a...

For the past several weeks, we have been "letting go of stuff"!  This is a New Year and we want to cleanse ourselves of those people, places, things, emotions, etc. that bog us down and keep us from being in a well and whole place! In week one, we learned how to identify our "stuff' by completing a thorough self-inventory, and then in week two, we looked at some cognitive-behavioral strategies for "letting go of our stuff'! If you haven't done this yet, please start today.  If you are working on this, great!  Keep going....this is a process!  Go slowly and reward yourself along the way! Today, we are going to look at Step Three: In Letting Go...We Give Back To Ourselves. Step Three is  not really a "step" in the literal context of the word, but it is a critical concept of our renewal process in the New Year. Let me explain by sharing this short narrative. In my young adult life and all during my adult years, my dad maintained an extra...

In Step One: Letting Go of Stuff , I asked you to complete a little homework assignment!  Did you do it?  If so, great. If not, let's review.  Take some time -  think about and write down answers to these two questions: 1. What is working in my life? Who or what is contributing to my well-being - augmenting my wellness, enhancing my sense of worth and of self, and fueling me in healthy ways? 2. Along with that, what is not working for me? Who or what is depleting me - taking away my energy, draining my resources, and diminishing my capacity for inner peace, balance, and joy? I wanted you to list both the healthy and unhealthy items because sometimes we start beating ourselves up when we focus only on the negatives in our lives.  So, congratulate yourself for the positive influences, emotions, or behaviors that you embrace! Looking over your list of 'who or what is depleting me', there could be quite a variety of people, places, emotions/attitudes/feelin...

"The first wealth is health"  - Ralph Waldo Emerson With the New Year here, many of us are already stressing about what new resolutions or expectations we should place upon ourselves. That is typically followed by the dread of how quickly we will break them or not measure up to them.  I have a suggestion - let's greet the New Year by letting go of stuff. Lots of Stuff!! By stuff, I mean anything! It could be letting go of .... a person or persons- a toxic relationship, an unhealthy partner, a dysfunctional family member, a negative group... a place or thing - the memory of or a tangible reminder of an environment or person that is harmful or unpleasant... an idea or thought - negative life messages, worry, pessimism...  an emotion, attitude or feeling - regret, guilt, grief, anger, blame, self-doubt, disappointment...  a behavior or habit - rescuing unhealthy individuals, over- committing, working too many hours, not eating right or exe...

In the previous blog, we discussed the importance of forgiveness in relapse recovery .  We also examined different ways to redefine the word forgiveness  and  to re-frame its definition in order to facilitate its implementation into our recovery practices. Lastly, we discussed the concept of internal forgiveness - forgiveness of self - one piece in the process of letting go of unhealthy emotions which keep us bound in our relapse and tethered to our betrayal of self. Today, we are going to address the second part of the releasing process - external forgiveness - forgiveness of other people, places, and things. With the understanding that we alone are responsible for our choices and Severing the rope of unforgiveness decisions that have led us into our relapse episode or period of regression into unhealthy behaving, thinking or feeling, it is also important to recognize that there may be destructive outside influences or on-going painful relationships that trig...

Forgiveness is a practice that is commonly used in many aspects of our lives, and yet, I think it is one that many of us struggle with. Over the years working with clients in therapy, frequently I would hear the words, "Holli, why should I forgive him?  He doesn't deserve it!"  Or, "Why should I let her off the hook?   She destroyed my life!"  Or, "How can I forgive them? Look at the injustice that has been committed?" Or, "I know I need to forgive myself. But I can't. I don't deserve it." Although  you may have heard this before, I need you to hear what I am about to say.  This is extremely important.    Forgiveness is not about or for the other person or thing.   Forgiveness is about and for you.   Forgiveness is about and for you. As long as we hold on to our anger, resentment, bitterness, or disappointment towards other people and things or even towards ourselves, we remain tethered to them and to those toxic emotio...