WellnessWithHolli

For the past several weeks, we have been discussing Couple Trouble - What Is At The Root Of It?  and  You Mean, "I" Have To Change?   If you have not read the previous two blogs, please do so! Today's blog will make more sense and the exercises will be more meaningful. Once both partners have finished the L ife Messages Exercise  - completing all five sections - you are ready to Rediscover and Reconnect with one another. Let's get started. Share Life Messages First , set aside an hour when both partners are available to meet. Make sure there are no interruptions or distractions.  Kids need to be put to bed or safely occupied. Put away all technology and/or work commitments!  Find a quiet comfortable place to meet and sit, facing each other. Bring your L ife Messages Exercises  to share with your partner. Secondly , follow the steps in the Empathic Reflective Listening Exercise .  One partner begins while the other listens.There is no in...

Last time, we discussed an extremely important cause when it comes to Couple Trouble. Please go back and read  Couple Trouble? What's At The Root Of It?  This will give you a better understanding of today's blog. And, please complete the exercise on life messages. However, before we move on, I want to answer a really good question that was asked by a reader! Painful Life Messages Holli, aren't most of the problems that couples have - like arguments, personality conflicts, opposing needs or priorities, personal or relational stresses, parenting disagreements, and even unhealthy behaviors such as addictions or obsessions - a manifestation (an outcome) of each partner's painful life messages?   In my opinion, yes (*see note below) . In fact, aside from genetic predispositions and/or from organic pathology or psychosis or excluding life-altering events or diagnoses, I believe that most couples find themselves in trouble because of their innate integration of their ...

Every year I have the pleasure of attending and often  presenting at the Annual Conference of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT). Although Marriage and Family Therapists work in many different areas of therapy, the heart of our work centers around relationships. After attending several workshops at a recent conference which dealt specifically with unhealthy family systems (family units), I was reminded of how and why it is so easy for any relationship  - especially those of couples - to experience trouble. Although couples can struggle because of serious issues/offenses, chronic stresses, personality conflicts, physical or mental illnesses/disorders, addictions, and/or underlying psychological pathology, for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to address an area of causation not often identified or articulated . Thus, it erodes couples' relationships for months or even years, and frequently leaves them in crisis , with one or both partners ...

Last blog, we started a conversation on  Proactive Parenting!! What Parents Need To Know and Do!!  Because April is Child Abuse Prevention Month, it is especially important to draw attention to our parenting, but as  parents and guardians, when we signed  up to have children or take custody of them we made a long term commitment that requires our best practices day in and day out! A significant responsibility in our parenting includes educating ourselves about social dangers such as child abuse and implementing effective strategies that will help to protect and prevent our children from being victimized. Before we discuss a few more key strategies for Proactive Parenting,  let's review from the previous blog the two Proactive Parenting Principles that we first must solidly integrate into our mindset and then apply to our parenting styles. Remember, these principles hold true regardless of the social danger, concern, or challenge. PP #1 - The degree of access...

* This blog contains sensitive material which may not be suitable for minors. April is Child Abuse Prevention Month.  As with other wellness issues, it is important to designate time and attention increasing our awareness through on-going education and communication.  However, with one in three girls and one in five boys being victimized by the time they are eighteen, I believe it is critical not only to continue our conversation on a daily basis, but it is also imperative to implement  Proactive Parenting.  Because there are several experts whom I highly respect and who have family friendly resources available to parents or guardians (*see references below), for the purposes of this blog I am going to give you two important strategies for  Proactive Parenting . Most responsible parents work hard to provide nurturing, loving, and safe environments for their children.To do otherwise, in my opinion, is shirking the responsibilities of parenthood.  At t...

Over the past several blogs, we have been discussing codependency as it relates to us and our well-being: What Is It? Am I Codependent? And Why? Now What Do I Do ?- Day 3   ;  Day 4   ;  Day 5 Support From Others Before we conclude this series, it is important to talk about  Support Groups. Please keep  reading!  No matter where you are in your recovering journey with codependency, Support Groups can and do play a vital role in your healing. I'd like to share a personal example. When I was in my early thirties, I was teaching at a middle school where a I met a wonderful teacher who befriended me. I will call her Alice. She was an older, very wise woman. I was captivated by Alice as she described her difficult past of addiction followed by her many years of sobriety. As Alice came to know me, getting acquainted with my codependent personality, she encouraged me to attend Al-Anon. Even though I had been in counseling previously t...

For the last several blogs, we have been discussing codependency by focusing on steps in answering the question - Now What Do I Do?   If you have not done so, please go back and review Step One - Shift in thinking and mindset ; Step Two - Detachment   (turning our focus inward and separating our worth and our identity) : and Step Three - Self-Care   . Today, we are going to focus on Step Four - Boundary Work. However, before we do, I want to clarify one very important point. Although we - as codependents - will need to work all these steps simultaneously as we continue our recovering work, I believe it is almost next to impossible to start our healing unless we are ready and willing to shift our mindset and thinking. We must accept that we are not responsible for another person's well- being and that what we have been doing is not working. At the same time, because we are codependents, we will slip back into this thinking, time and time again, and we will need to ...