WellnessWithHolli

  Week Five -  “From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Healing” For the past many weeks, we have been discussing Self-Sh aming. In week one, "Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding"   we explored our Self-Shaming life-messages – the internal dialogue we say to ourselves about our lack of worth and value.   In week two,  "Self-Shaming: External Causes" , we learned that the genesis of many of our Self-Shaming life-messages comes from Primary Care-Givers, Environments of Betrayal, and Social Media. However, in week three,  "Self-Shaming: Internal Causes" we also learned that Self-Shaming life-messages evolve from Our Beliefs, Our Choices, and Our Unworthy Attachments. We acknowledged that there can be cross-over with any of the areas of causation.   In week four "Self-Shaming: It's Impact On Us,"   we explored how Self-Shaming can be a contributing factor to our Psychological, Physical, Inner Personal, and Relational wellbeing. ...

What I am about to share is based solely on anecdotal experience and observation.  Nothing more. My husband Dan and I recently returned from a vacation to parts of Western Europe and the Mediterranean. Thrilled to have an opportunity to share places I had visited as a college student and then as an adult, I couldn't wait to explore the wonders of other cultures with the love of my life! And, he was just as excited to experience it for the first time. Arriving first in Paris, we set out to visit as many of the tourist attractions as we could fit in during our stay there. In spite of the untimely heat wave, we did just that.  But because Dan and I are "foodies", we reserved our meal times for sleuthing out specialty restaurants and boutique cafe's nestled between quaint shops and greeted by cobblestone streets.  One afternoon, we stumbled across La Saotico - a gem of a restaurant. After being warmly welcomed by the owner, we made ourselves comfortable while s...

For the last several blogs, we have been discussing codependency by focusing on steps in answering the question - Now What Do I Do?   If you have not done so, please go back and review Step One - Shift in thinking and mindset ; Step Two - Detachment   (turning our focus inward and separating our worth and our identity) : and Step Three - Self-Care   . Today, we are going to focus on Step Four - Boundary Work. However, before we do, I want to clarify one very important point. Although we - as codependents - will need to work all these steps simultaneously as we continue our recovering work, I believe it is almost next to impossible to start our healing unless we are ready and willing to shift our mindset and thinking. We must accept that we are not responsible for another person's well- being and that what we have been doing is not working. At the same time, because we are codependents, we will slip back into this thinking, time and time again, and we will need to ...

Last time, we started our conversation on codependency by addressing the first two steps in answering the question - Now what do I do?   If you haven't had a chance to read the previous blog, please take a few minutes and familiarize yourself with Step One - Shift in mindset or thinking  and Step Two - Detachment. It is super important to understand detachment as I believe it is impossible to move forward unless we begin that process of turning our focus inward and separating our worth and identity from someone else and from his/her unhealthy behaviors. This is hard work and it takes time.  Before we move on to Step Three - Self Care ,  allow me to share more of my own story ( previous blog ) and how it relates to the importance of detachment . Detach and Heal As I described in Codependency: Day 3 , once I shifted my thinking about the relationship I was in, I was then able to begin my detachment work. Although I was still living with an unhealthy man...

Last time we learned what is means to be codependent, and we examined  a couple of reasons as to why we are codependent. I want to stress that codependents are really caring, good people.  This is a strength! However, it becomes a weakness when we over-invest into others to the degree that we are spent! I also want to impress upon codependents that knowledge is power.  By understanding  what is going on with us and why, our healing begins!   Let's get started with two steps as we answer the question - Now what do I do? Shift in Thinking! First step - Shift in  thinking or mindset . This  may sound obvious but in order to begin your healing, it is critical that you make a shift in your thinking or mindset - acknowledging that what you are doing isn't working for you! If you still believe that you are responsible for saving someone else and that if you stop doing what you are doing, the other person won't make it on his/her own, you probably are n...

When I am discussing relapse, it is important to clarify that I am referring to any individual who falls back into or regresses into to a previous pattern of unhealthy thinking, behaving, or feeling. In other words, I am not speaking solely of issues of addiction;  I am talking about letting go of current healthy habits, rituals, practices, or ways of being and replacing them with thoughts, behaviors or emotions that are harmful to us. With this broad definition, it is not uncommon for most couples to struggle through a relapse episode of some kind. I'd like to touch upon two healing insights into how relapse impacts couples and then close with an informative and restorative interview I did recently with Dr. Karen Sherman, host of "Your Empowered Relationships". Hiding in Shame The first insight I want to share or to remind couples about is that when an individual relapses, regardless of the type or kind, there is an incredible degree of shame. This is important t...

We have spent the last several weeks discussing the Masks of Relapse . We carefully examined the Masks of Denial, Disguise, and Detachment, learning about their critical roles as we enter into relapse and as we remain there. However, we also learned how to recognize their features and how to implement recovery strategies enabling us to remove them more readily and in a more timely way.  We learned that this is hard work; but that it can be done!  Relapse never rests; neither must we! As we conclude this section in our discussion of relapse, I want to leave you with a personal reflection. For most of us, as we go through our days, we slightly alter our persona's (who we are and how we act) in order to accommodate others and the norms of our various environments .We want to get along with others, and we want to perform at the best of our abilities. This is natural and healthy. Even with these healthy compromises in our ways of being, we often feel tired, stressed, or worn out ...