From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Week Five - Healing

 Week Five - “From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Healing”

For the past many weeks, we have been discussing Self-Shaming. In week one,"Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding"  we explored our Self-Shaming life-messages – the internal dialogue we say to ourselves about our lack of worth and value.  In week two, "Self-Shaming: External Causes", we learned that the genesis of many of our Self-Shaming life-messages comes from Primary Care-Givers, Environments of Betrayal, and Social Media. However, in week three, "Self-Shaming: Internal Causes" we also learned that Self-Shaming life-messages evolve from Our Beliefs, Our Choices, and Our Unworthy Attachments. We acknowledged that there can be cross-over with any of the areas of causation.  In week four"Self-Shaming: It's Impact On Us,"  we explored how Self-Shaming can be a contributing factor to our Psychological, Physical, Inner Personal, and Relational wellbeing.

Because the articles are based on a healing continuum, in order to get the most from the series please read each of the articles in their order and implement the Reflective Exercises at the end of each one. Then, join us here for “Fromo Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough - Healing.”

Let’s begin.

For our concluding article on Self-Shaming, the subtitle “Becoming Enough” was chosen very carefully. First of all, “Becoming” is a present participle, meaning it is a verb which is used in forming continuous tenses. In other words, “Becoming” is an action that is currently going on, or habitually performed, or a state that currently or generally exists. In psychology, we often refer to this ongoing action as a “process.”  Therefore, as we address “Becoming Enough,” think of it as a journey – one that has a beginning but has no end.  And, it is something that evolves and changes as we travel down our paths.

Secondly, at first glance, the word “Enough” may connote images of weakness or imply bare minimums.  However, based on my research and on case studies within my private practice, “Enough” is a powerful word which means to be sufficient or to be as much as is needed. Interestingly, “Enough” is an adjective - a describing word; and it is a noun – a person, place, or thing.  Thus, in selecting the word “Enough,” it describes a desired state of sufficiency as well as a current state of satisfaction.

This is important. For the purposes of our exploration on “Becoming Enough,” we will contain our discussion to a few key principles. Because of the many different facets and moving parts which are a part of the therapeutic process, it is not possible to replicate all the considerations into one article. It is my hope, as with the other parts in this series on “Self-Shaming,” that you will have some takeaways which will encourage and support you in your healing journey towards “Becoming Enough.”

Let’s get started. “Becoming Enough” is a time for…

Giving To Self

Producing A New Self

Conclusion: Honoring Self

Giving To Self

Recently, a young adult female client, who I will call Claudia, began our session by describing her ongoing feelings of sadness and hopelessness. Shortly into our conversation, she tearfully inquired, “Holli, am I ever going to feel like I am enough?” Although she has been in therapy just a few weeks, her Self-Shaming has been going on for over twenty years. In our work together thus far, Claudia has begun uncovering her Self-Shaming life messages and is working diligently on identifying their causes. Because this work is sensitive and painful, it is critical for Claudia to embrace the process as a time for Giving To Self, turning inward and focusing her energies on three healing practices.

• Pause To Give Self Time.

One of the concepts clients learn as we begin our journey together is Pause To Give Self Time. It is not uncommon given the demands on all of us and our families for folks to feel incredibly stressed and entirely spent.  Therefore, when it comes to addressing long-standing issues and deeply embedded “Self-Shaming” life-messages, we need to keep a pulse on our levels of energy. It requires that we press the pause button on the noise in our lives, turn our focus inward, and intentionally tend to our “selves.” We do so by implementing a few basic self-care strategies.

1) First, it is important to make a commitment to yourself that your recovery work is a priority.
2) Secondly, carve out a consistent day and time in your schedule that you will complete and implement the Reflective Exercises at the end of each “Self-Shaming” article.
3)Thirdly, find a quiet place to do your healing work. And, don’t be rushed. Move at your own pace.
4)Lastly, after working on your exercises, give yourself time to release any discomfort you may be feeling or experiencing before you re-engage with others.

For individuals who are committing more formally to therapeutic sessions, support groups, or other venues of healing, follow the same practices. In addition, with those individuals who are safe, communicate to them about your commitment to self-care and its priority in your life.

This first step, Pause To Give Self Time, may seem insignificant. It is not. By choosing to give time to yourself in order to make your wellness a priority, you are starting the process of “Becoming Enough.” By choosing you, you are actively engaging in the process of replenishing your well.

• Permission To Detach

The second step in Giving To Self is more difficult. We must give ourselves Permission To Detach. Take a deep breath.  This does not mean we disown, block, or ghost individuals. Permission To Detach means that we examine closely who or what may interfere or cause disturbance with our self-care and who or what may trigger additional Self-Shaming. Once we have identified these sources, as we did in week two “Internal Causes: Unworthy Attachments,” we can implement self-care measures with setting healthy boundaries, by detaching or distancing ourselves emotionally and physically. This is not easy; it is hard work. And, it is necessary.

1)First, assess how much of yourself you are investing into individuals who are sources of shame. For example, how much time to do you spend with them?  And how often? 
2) Secondly, what resources are you providing for them (money, gifts, work related help, etc.)? In what ways do these things deplete you or diminish you? 
3) Thirdly, assess how much you give of yourself emotionally? How do you feel afterward?  
4) Then, begin the practice of investing selectively. This mean that you choose how much time, energy, resources, emotions, etc. you want to give to these individuals. By choosing your levels of investment, you give yourself Permission To Detach in healthy ways. 

*Note - More on selective investment strategies can be accessed in "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition"

I have been working with an adult male client in his mid-forties, who I will call Jose'. By investing selectively and through setting and establishing healthy boundaries, Jose' is detaching from his verbally abusive father and step-mother. Because Jose' is very codependent, this has been difficult. Every Saturday or Sunday, he feels his parents need him to help with issues around their house. He typically stays there all day and then cooks dinner for them. After each visit, Jose' is re-injured by the shaming remarks of both parents. However, Jose' is giving himself permission to detach. He has shortened his visits to a few hours and bought food for their dinner, without staying to eat with them. Recently, Jose' has disclosed how much better he feels, with more energy to focus on himself and his healing work.

“Becoming Enough” means being selective about how and in whom we invest ourselves. Each time we detach from an unworthy source, we fill our well of worth a little more.

• Personal Shift 

The third practice in Giving To Self – Personal Shift - is related to Permission To Detach, but it deserves its own attention. In my years of research into the human condition and how and where we derive our worth, most individuals turn outward in search of validation. As we discussed in "Self-Shaming: External Causes" , this is a natural process which begins at birth. However, when those sources prove unworthy of us or if overtime we are drawn to unhealthy external sources for validation, we will experience more shame.  

Therefore, as we embrace the process of Giving To Self, we need to make a conscious Personal Shift. This Personal Shift requires we turn inward as we learn to attach our worth to our levels of investment, trust, and belief in ourselves first. Although this may feel unnatural initially, once it takes hold, we will experience the continual replenishment of our wells.

The best example I can give you is what you are doing right now.  Instead of turning to an external source such as another relationship or unhealthy behavior to assuage your Self-Shame, you are investing into your healing process. You are learning to trust in it.  Over time, you will believe in it. As you navigate your journey in “Becoming Enough,” you will instinctively turn inward for guidance and direction, keeping a pulse on your levels of worth and choosing accordingly.

The beauty in shifting to an internal compass or locus of control rather than relying on external forces is three-fold:
1) First, we determine who and what nourishes our self-worth. 
2) Secondly, we decide if we continue that investment or not.  
3) Thirdly, as we experience rewards of defining our worth and “Becoming Enough,” we also become more discerning of who and what we want in our lives.

It is important to note that there are healthy external sources which enhance and augment our lives in many ways. Educational paths, careers, businesses, opportunities, and relationships can and do add a sense of accomplishment, nourishment, and value. However, “Becoming Enough” means that if and when external sources fail us, we naturally default to our internal compass, taking time for Giving To Self.

The following quote about Being Strong is a beautiful example of Giving To Self.

Let’s continue.

Producing A New Self

Over the past many weeks, you have begun the process of self-exploration into the practice of “Self-Shaming.” In week four "Self-Shaming: It's Impact On Us,",” the concluding  Reflective Exercise was designed intentionally to bring an awareness and understanding as to how Self-Shaming has been playing a role in defining your Old Self. If you have not already done so, please return to week four and complete the Reflective Exercise. The process of identifying your Self-Shaming life messages; identifying and naming their external and internal causes; and then honestly assessing their psychological, physical, inner personal, and relational impact on you is hard work. Sometimes this takes weeks. Sometimes it takes months. However, this must be done in order to move into Producing A New Self.

As has been mentioned, given the complexities and considerations of the therapeutic process, strategies for Producing A New Self cannot be fully covered within the constraints of one article. However, we will touch upon three areas which have been reliable practices in my research and with clients. This is important. Integrating these three practices into Producing  A New Self  is not a linear process. They are unfolding concentrically and concurrently.

Let’s examine three areas in Producing A New Self.

• Rooting Out and Releasing Shame

In our work thus far, we have begun the process of Rooting Out Shame. We have peeled away the secrecy and silence in which shame lives and exposed its presence in our lives. During this process, we have voiced our experiences and validated our truths. In my research and in my work with clients, I have found that after doing the hard work of peeling away layers of shame, we reach a critical juncture – rooting out the inner core of shame.  The inner core of shame varies greatly from client to client; however, in Producing A New Self, the source must be confronted and it must be rooted out. A client case comes to mind.

I will call her Veronica. Veronica, a successful business female in her early forties, came into therapy for support in working through several grief issues. For months, she has worked diligently on personal and inner personal losses in her life. As I have listened to her, I’ve noticed how she Self-Shames, holding herself responsible for not being able to “fix everything, make everyone better,” and feeling like she is “not producing enough.” As our trust has built, Veronica has peeled away layers of shame around her feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness. She has also named and identified their causes. Recently, in a very emotionally heavy session, Veronica courageously rooted out her inner core of shame – a horrific public assault on her personal being, reputation, and identity as a female. Amidst her emotional upheaval and fragility, Veronica’s family shamed her further by minimizing the incident and placing blame on her lack of character and strength.

This is important. Rooting Out Shame takes tremendous courage.  The process is best guided and supported by a trained professional. Also, there are many different methodologies in which to confront the inner core of shame and to root it out. In addition, over my years in practice, I have witnessed many clients who minimize and normalize their inner core of shame. In other words, they have come to believe their core of shame is really “not a big deal,” or that they should just “suck it up,” or that something is wrong with them for not being able to just “let it go.”  Sadly, this denial or faulty thinking contributes to additional Self-Shaming and further repression of it.

Although the inner core of shame will vary in intensity and severity, I encourage you to confront it, process it, and work through it. During this work, additional strategies are implemented for clearing out and cleansing of the inner core, for releasing of toxic sources, and for protecting vulnerable wells of worth.

* Note - For more healing tools on Release, please refer to Chapter 14 in  "Breaking Through Betrayal 2nd Edition", Unraveling Debilitating Emotions and Self-Deprecating Life Messages”

Producing A New Self requires we Root Out and Release Shame. With each delicate step of the process, we move closer to “Becoming Enough,” as truthful messages find a home, bringing nourishment to our wells of Self-Worth. 

Let’s move on.

• Reinstating Power

When we Self-Shame, we live it its shadow. And, it has power over us. Our Old Selves were defined by Self-Shaming and its impact on our lives. However, without realizing it, when we peel away layers of shame and while we are confronting and rooting out the inner core of shame, we are simultaneously Reinstating Power. We are taking control of our health and wellbeing. We are deciding who and what will have influence and impact over us and who and what will not. A client case comes to mind.

Several years ago, I was working with a middle-aged female client who was severely abused throughout her life by her mother. Although Angela (as I will call her) entered therapy to work on other issues, she very quickly began disclosing her Self-Shaming life messages: “They don’t like me. I’m afraid of them. I know I’m not good enough…they are going to hurt me.” Angela, who has never felt safe, is easily triggered in various environments. She also suffers with flashbacks and night terrors, reliving her mother’s rage and physical abuse.  For over a year, Angela has worked courageously and tirelessly on peeling away her layers of Self-Shaming and rooting out her inner core of shame – believing she was not worthy of love. Over time and with additional releasing exercises and strong boundary work, Angela  is moving out of her shadow of shame and into her power. This was recently evidenced in a dream where she no longer cowered to her mother’s shaming. In the dream, Angela stepped out of shame’s shadow, faced her mother, and spoke her truths. There was no fear in Angela’s voice, only a well filled with worth, courage, and dignity.

Just as Angela is doing, as we continue making choices which fuel and feed our self-worth, we step out of the shadow or shame. As we Reinstate Power…

• Insecurity will turn to strength.
• Inadequacy will give way to value.
• Fear will morph into courage.  
• “Self-Shaming” will dissolve into “Becoming Enough.”

Let’s move on to our third area of Producing A New Self.

• Re-Scripting Life Messages

During the of Rooting Out and Releasing Shame and Reinstating Power, clients are creating a clean slate for Re-Scripting Life Messages.  This process happens very slowly and subtly, especially at first. After years of Self-Shaming, it feels foreign to shift into a mindset of Self-Worth. In therapy, I utilize several practices for Re-Scripting Life Messages.  A few include the following:
1) First, clients practice or try on new life messages of worth. For example, I affirm and validate them. The client repeats the worth messages after me, breathing them in and absorbing their meaning.  
2)Secondly, for homework or in session, clients will write out Self-Affirmations. They rehearse them throughout their day. Or when a Self-Shaming life message shows up, they catch the thought, stop it, and replace it with a Self-Worth life message. 
 3) Thirdly, I will ask them to write down a Self- Worth life message each day in a journal, reflect upon it; and then, write about how it feels as they take in the new message of worth. 

As we turn inward and continue filling our wells with messages of Self-Worth, we are growing our power at the same time. As a result, our feelings start to shift. Our behaviors do as well.  A beautiful client example comes to mind.

Over the past six months, a male is his early forties, who I will call Andre', has been working hard on all aspects of Producing A New Self. After a lifetime of being shamed by his parents for what he said or didn’t say, Andre' has been Rooting Out and Releasing Shame as well as Reinstating Power. Andre’ also has slowly begun Re-Scripting Life Messages: “My voice matters. I matter.  I can stand in my power.  I can speak my truth without fear. I am enough.” After struggling for several months with unfair practices and unequal treatment at his place of work, Andre' made an appointment to speak with his manager. Although he was nervous, Andre' prepared for the meeting and practiced what he wanted to say. Andre' disclosed in therapy the success of the meeting, sharing several positive outcomes. Most importantly, Andre' described how Re-Scripting his Life Messages is empowering him to change his behaviors. And with each empowered behavior, Andre’s self-respect and self-worth are filling his well.

This is important. As with other areas of Producing A New Self, Re-Scripting Life Messages is not a one and done practice. Old tapes of self-depreciation easily creep back in, especially if we are in unhealthy environments or investing into unworthy attachments. We must continue implementing all areas of the Self-Shaming series in our journey of “Becoming Enough.”

Conclusion: Honoring Self

As we bring this section of “Becoming Enough” and this series on Self-Shaming to a close, it is critical to acknowledge that if you have started with week one and engaged in this work through week five, you have already begun Honoring Self. We often think that it is only after we have accomplished a task or achieved a goal that we then deserve to be honored. It is not that way in recovering. This is important.

Each and every step of the way that you choose you, you invest into you, and you walk into wellness, you honor yourself.

Read it again. Read aloud.

Each and every step of the way that you choose you, you invest into you, and you walk into wellness, you honor yourself.

Although there are many self-care practices from which to choose, in practicing Honoring Self, we do so in the following ways.

• First, we tether ourselves to our healing tenets. 
• Secondly, we voice our truths.
• Thirdly, we embrace the hard work. We make it a priority. 
• Lastly, if we find ourselves slipping back into unhealthy patterns or behaviors, we do not Self-Shame. We do not cave. We revisit our lessons and reintegrate the strategies in “Increasing Our Awareness,” External Causes;” “Internal Causes;” and “Its Impact On Us.”
• And then.....

We continue the journey of "Becoming" because we are worth it.

We continue because we are “Enough.”

A note to readers...

I want to thank each of you for being a part of this series on Self-Shaming. In the work I do, I tackle tough topics. This one, however, is one of the most difficult because it touches us at our very core. I want you to know that if you are struggling with Self-Shaming, you are not alone. I’ve worked on it most of my life and so have thousands of others.

If no one has told you today, I want you to know these truths:

The shaming you have experienced in your life should never have happened. Never.

I am so sorry.

You are important. You are valuable.  You are enough.

I believe in you.

With wellness,

Holli

Reflective Exercise: The exercises in “Becoming Enough” are challenging. Some of them you may be able to implement yourself. Others may require professional support and guidance. Please, be honest with yourself and keep a pulse on your levels of strength. For the exercises in Giving To Self, work through them slowly. Give yourself ample time, implementing what feels safe and comfortable for you. In the section, Producing A New Self, the exercises cover very tender material. Again, please reach out for professional help if this work is too painful. In the last section, Honoring  Self, this is important. Practice this each and every day.

More healing resources Holli Kenley, MA, LMFT

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