WellnessWithHolli

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two If you have not read Part One , please begin reading.  Session Two: The Me You Cannot See A week later, Yvonne and Sally entered my office.   Immediately, a thick anxious energy filled the room. We settled into our chairs, with Yvonne and Sally facing one another. I sat to the side between them. I began the session with some deep breathing exercises. We closed our eyes, relaxed our bodies, and released the tense energy among us. In our private sessions, Yvonne had shared with me that whenever she tried to talk to her mom in the past about the abuse, her mom always defended or excused her behaviors around not protecting Yvonne.   So, before Yvonne shared her betrayal narrative, I provided Sally with a list of “reflective listening phrases” – such as “I hear you saying ….” Or “Could you tell me more…I want to understand…“   I also modeled this reflective listening skill for Sally as she would be asked to ...

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One  Introduction As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years, until several weeks ago I had never witnessed in a therapeutic session such profound healing and hope that took place between a daughter and her mother.   Both women were vulnerable – filled with “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown).   Both women were brave. Both women were willing to trust the process. The Daughter and Mother session was an extension of my work with my client – the Daughter, who I will call Yvonne . In a prior blog, Shame: It Was Never Yours To Carry , I introduced Yvonne as a young woman who described the genesis of her painful, abusive childhood in words I had never before heard: “I was born into Shame.” In our ensuing sessions, Yvonne demonstrated her commitment and courage to her recovery. She and I processed her layers of Shame. Throughout her entire life as a child, adolescent, and teen years, ...

I'm Holli Kenley. I work in the field of psychology as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am the author of four books on BETRAYAL, and I consider myself a thought-leader on BETRAYAL Trauma and how to recover from it.  My TED Talk  BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About  was recently released. When we think of BETRAYAL, for most of us our minds go to issues of infidelity. Sadly, it has been my experience that one of the most common forms of BETRAYAL is not infidelity --  it is Parental Betrayal.  Currently in my private practice, all my adult clients have been victims of Parental Betrayal - p rimary caregivers (parents or guardians) who were encharged with loving and protecting their children and who failed to do so. In fact, for most of my clients their caregivers are the perpetrators -- individuals who   inflicted harm and abuse upon them. Or, caregivers were aware of their children being abused by a family member or relative (or other indivi...

Recently I gave a TED Talk - BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About . At the beginning of  the talk I asked the audience two questions: "If you have ever felt betrayed, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive? And if you tried any of those things, have you felt better....or bitter?" With over ten thousand hours in session as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with clients healing from betrayal, I've heard from hundreds of individuals who have wondered why they still are stuck in the pain of their betrayal injury, even after they have forgiven their betrayer/s.  Based on years of researching and analyzing betrayal and on my professional experience, I believe Forgiveness Does Not Heal Betrayal. Here's Why. Healing From Betrayal - Concept #1 Practicing forgiveness may release the hold the betrayer has on you. But it does not heal the betrayal wound. I want to acknowledge that practicing forgiveness holds deep meaning in...