Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One 

Introduction

As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years, until several weeks ago I had never witnessed in a therapeutic session such profound healing and hope that took place between a daughter and her mother.  Both women were vulnerable – filled with “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown).  Both women were brave. Both women were willing to trust the process.

The Daughter and Mother session was an extension of my work with my client – the Daughter, who I will call Yvonne. In a prior blog, Shame: It Was Never Yours To Carry, I introduced Yvonne as a young woman who described the genesis of her painful, abusive childhood in words I had never before heard: “I was born into Shame.”

In our ensuing sessions, Yvonne demonstrated her commitment and courage to her recovery. She and I processed her layers of Shame. Throughout her entire life as a child, adolescent, and teen years, Yvonne was a victim of horrific physical, emotional, and psychological abuse at the hands of her father. Yvonne’s mother, who was also abused, did not intervene in any way to protect Yvonne.

After years of living in fear and with no hope for anything changing, by high school Yvonne turned to alcohol and drugs in order to cope. Her young adult years were filled with shame and self-loathing behaviors. Eventually Yvonne embraced recovery from her addiction.  Today, Yvonne is strong in her sobriety and is a happily married young wife, mother of two, and a successful entrepreneur.

In our first session several months ago, Yvonne expressed a strong desire to work through her feelings of betrayal towards her mother.  As is true with so many of my clients, either female or male, when either parent / guardian does not protect his / her children from any kind of abuse or trauma (from anyone), those individuals feel betrayed. After all, the primary role of a caregiver entrusted with the wellbeing of a child is to protect that child from danger.  In my research published in Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers, that protective role is especially associated with “Mothers.” It is true in many cases that Mothers may also be the primary perpetrators of abuse.

And so, with a solid level of healing guiding her decision, Yvonne and I revisited the idea of inviting her mother into several of our sessions with the purpose of healing Yvonne’s feelings of betrayal. Yvonne’s mother, who I will call Sally, lives in another state but would be visiting Yvonne and her family for a couple of months.  When Yvonne asked her mother if she would be willing to join her in therapy, her mother agreed.

What took place over the next four weeks was extraordinary.  And I must say that as a therapist, this process required skillful timing, precise but fluid guidance, acute listening and reflection, and confidence rooted in my work with all kinds of Betrayal, especially Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers.

Session One: Meet and Greet

The first Daughter and Mother session was a casual meeting.  Yvonne and her mother, Sally, attended together.  As we settled into our soft chairs, there was a palpable nervousness buzzing in the air.  So, I opened with a bit of small talk.

After a few minutes, I turned to Yvonne.  I gently asked her to explain in her own words why she wanted her mom to be in therapy together and what she hoped to accomplish. Yvonne’s voice was strong yet tender.  When she finished, Sally acknowledged that she understood the intentions of our conjoint sessions.

Next, I read through the Informed Consent for Guest Counseling Agreement with Sally. I carefully explained both legal and ethical guidelines as well as expectations around outcomes for therapy.  Then, I described what the next three sessions would entail. It was very important for both Yvonne and Sally to be prepared. And as a therapist, while it was critical for me to guide Yvonne through this delicate process with as much support as possible, I also did not want to blindside Sally.

Both agreed to the process laid out. As Yvonne and Sally exited my office, I noticed the anxious buzz return just slightly. But I also sensed it emanated out of hope, not fear.

Homework for Session Two:  Yvonne’s homework was to write out her entire betrayal narrative – The Me You Cannot See.  Detailed in chronological order, Yvonne was asked to describe her painful truths about the abuse she endured and how her mother did not protect her.

Sally was made aware of the assignment and that we would be processing it in our next session.

Continue Part Two

For more healing resources, please visit Holli Kenley - Author, Therapist, Speaker

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BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About