Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two

If you have not read Part One, please begin reading. 

Session Two: The Me You Cannot See

A week later, Yvonne and Sally entered my office.  Immediately, a thick anxious energy filled the room. We settled into our chairs, with Yvonne and Sally facing one another. I sat to the side between them. I began the session with some deep breathing exercises. We closed our eyes, relaxed our bodies, and released the tense energy among us.

In our private sessions, Yvonne had shared with me that whenever she tried to talk to her mom in the past about the abuse, her mom always defended or excused her behaviors around not protecting Yvonne.  So, before Yvonne shared her betrayal narrative, I provided Sally with a list of “reflective listening phrases” – such as “I hear you saying ….” Or “Could you tell me more…I want to understand…“  I also modeled this reflective listening skill for Sally as she would be asked to respond to her daughter at designated times.

What happened next was like witnessing the shredding of a Blanket of Shame – a Blanket woven together with years of broken trust, shattered beliefs, and profound violations.  A Blanket that held this Daughter and Mother relationship hostage to years of unspeakable pain. 

Yvonne took in a deep breath. She glanced down at her notes and began reading, “I was born into Shame. I never had a chance….”

For the next forty-five minutes or so, Yvonne bravely shared her truths. At times her voice quivered and she cried. At times, she gathered her strength and strongly voiced her feelings of “not mattering, being invisible, and being completely lost and alone.” The betrayals mounted. And then, compounded. Yvonne remained steadfast. As she revealed her truths, she released additional layers of Shame.

Intermittently, I asked Yvonne to pause. To give herself a moment of rest. Then, I turned to Sally and asked her to reflect what she heard. Time and time again, Sally reverted to excusing and defending herself. I politely stopped her. I again rehearsed the reflective responses with her. Sally kept trying. I continued to intervene. Sally stayed with me and the process. I knew this was hard.  I knew this practice was essential.

In order to begin the healing process with our betrayer, the betrayer must be willing – just as Sally was. The betrayer must be open to hearing our truths.  The “reflective listening exercise” is a tool that provides structure required for this process to unfold safely.  Sally’s natural defenses were to excuse and defend herself. However, by listening intently to her daughter and being asked reflect back the truths Yvone shared, Sally let go of her defenses and connected with her daughter’s pain. 

 As Yvonne listened to and absorbed her mother’s reflections, which mirrored her pain, for the first time in her life, Yvonne felt seen, heard, and understood.      

As Yvonne continued with her betrayal narrative and Sally responded with empathy and compassion (using the reflective listening phrases), there was a dramatic shift in the room. I concluded our session with additional deep breathing exercises.  Tears of sadness and despair were replaced by sighs of calm and connection.  By the end of our session, the shredded Blanket of Shame lay on the floor in pieces.  In its place was space for a new blanket of healing to be woven.

Homework for Session Three:  For our next session, I asked Yvonne and Sally to respond in writing to six questions that addressed – Our Relationship: Past and Present.  I asked them to spend time on this, not rush through it. I asked them not to share their responses until our next session.  

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Three


For more healing resources, visit Holli Kenley - Author, Therapist, Speaker

TEDx YouTube and TED.com

BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About 




 

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