WellnessWithHolli

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two If you have not read Part One , please begin reading.  Session Two: The Me You Cannot See A week later, Yvonne and Sally entered my office.   Immediately, a thick anxious energy filled the room. We settled into our chairs, with Yvonne and Sally facing one another. I sat to the side between them. I began the session with some deep breathing exercises. We closed our eyes, relaxed our bodies, and released the tense energy among us. In our private sessions, Yvonne had shared with me that whenever she tried to talk to her mom in the past about the abuse, her mom always defended or excused her behaviors around not protecting Yvonne.   So, before Yvonne shared her betrayal narrative, I provided Sally with a list of “reflective listening phrases” – such as “I hear you saying ….” Or “Could you tell me more…I want to understand…“   I also modeled this reflective listening skill for Sally as she would be asked to ...

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One  Introduction As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years, until several weeks ago I had never witnessed in a therapeutic session such profound healing and hope that took place between a daughter and her mother.   Both women were vulnerable – filled with “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown).   Both women were brave. Both women were willing to trust the process. The Daughter and Mother session was an extension of my work with my client – the Daughter, who I will call Yvonne . In a prior blog, Shame: It Was Never Yours To Carry , I introduced Yvonne as a young woman who described the genesis of her painful, abusive childhood in words I had never before heard: “I was born into Shame.” In our ensuing sessions, Yvonne demonstrated her commitment and courage to her recovery. She and I processed her layers of Shame. Throughout her entire life as a child, adolescent, and teen years, ...

Have you ever felt betrayed?  If so, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive and move on? And, if you tried any of those things, have you felt better or bitter? IF you have felt stuck in the pain of betrayal, I want you to know that there is a reason. Take a listen and find out what that is.  If you are ready to heal from your betrayal, I invite you to RIGHT YOURSELF with.. BREAKING THROUGH BETRAYAL: And Recovering The Peace Within Amazon Top 100 Books In Recovery (ACOA) For more healing resources, visit  Holli Kenley Follow us  Twitter ,  Instagram ,   Facebook

* This post contains sensitive material appropriate for mature readers. In light of the recent revelations of pandemic sexual abuse and assault within prominent faith-based organizations and their ensuing cover-ups, it is important to remind ourselves that apologies to the victims are not enough. Although this post focuses on examples from within our military, the consequences endured and the steps for moving forward are applicable for victims from any form of institutional abuse.  O ver the past several years, we are hearing more and more about assault and abuse cases within professional organizations, as well as social, political, educational, and spiritual institutions where the culture of bullying and of extreme cases of abusive conduct and sexual assault have not only been cultivated and condoned, but they have been concealed by the very leaders and/or members who serve within them. It is within these Environments of Betrayal, that victims are frequently blamed for...

Betrayal is an ugly word.  Worse yet is experiencing it. It's life-shattering and life-altering. Nothing is the same after a betrayal or many betrayals. It's like an earthquake has gone off inside us; everything imploding at once. We can taste, hear, see, smell and feel the devastation. It consumes us. If you have been blindsided by the Betrayal Bandit, the purpose of the next series of blogs is not to depress you even more!  I promise!   The purpose is to bring you hope and healing.  I know betrayal well.  I experienced it as a young girl and  I became well-acquainted with it as an adult. I've worked with many clients who experienced all kinds of betrayal.  I've studied betrayal and analyzed it. I've spent hours upon hours dissecting its anatomy so that I could figure out what is going on with us when we are betrayed. Then, I set out on a mission to design a healing program tailored specifically for recovery from betrayal. And now, I want to sh...

Last time, we discussed an extremely important cause when it comes to Couple Trouble. Please go back and read  Couple Trouble? What's At The Root Of It?  This will give you a better understanding of today's blog. And, please complete the exercise on life messages. However, before we move on, I want to answer a really good question that was asked by a reader! Painful Life Messages Holli, aren't most of the problems that couples have - like arguments, personality conflicts, opposing needs or priorities, personal or relational stresses, parenting disagreements, and even unhealthy behaviors such as addictions or obsessions - a manifestation (an outcome) of each partner's painful life messages?   In my opinion, yes (*see note below) . In fact, aside from genetic predispositions and/or from organic pathology or psychosis or excluding life-altering events or diagnoses, I believe that most couples find themselves in trouble because of their innate integration of their ...

Every year I have the pleasure of attending and often  presenting at the Annual Conference of California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists (CAMFT). Although Marriage and Family Therapists work in many different areas of therapy, the heart of our work centers around relationships. After attending several workshops at a recent conference which dealt specifically with unhealthy family systems (family units), I was reminded of how and why it is so easy for any relationship  - especially those of couples - to experience trouble. Although couples can struggle because of serious issues/offenses, chronic stresses, personality conflicts, physical or mental illnesses/disorders, addictions, and/or underlying psychological pathology, for the purposes of this blog, I'm going to address an area of causation not often identified or articulated . Thus, it erodes couples' relationships for months or even years, and frequently leaves them in crisis , with one or both partners ...

Last time, we started our conversation on codependency by addressing the first two steps in answering the question - Now what do I do?   If you haven't had a chance to read the previous blog, please take a few minutes and familiarize yourself with Step One - Shift in mindset or thinking  and Step Two - Detachment. It is super important to understand detachment as I believe it is impossible to move forward unless we begin that process of turning our focus inward and separating our worth and identity from someone else and from his/her unhealthy behaviors. This is hard work and it takes time.  Before we move on to Step Three - Self Care ,  allow me to share more of my own story ( previous blog ) and how it relates to the importance of detachment . Detach and Heal As I described in Codependency: Day 3 , once I shifted my thinking about the relationship I was in, I was then able to begin my detachment work. Although I was still living with an unhealthy man...

For the past several weeks, we have been "letting go of stuff"!  This is a New Year and we want to cleanse ourselves of those people, places, things, emotions, etc. that bog us down and keep us from being in a well and whole place! In week one, we learned how to identify our "stuff' by completing a thorough self-inventory, and then in week two, we looked at some cognitive-behavioral strategies for "letting go of our stuff'! If you haven't done this yet, please start today.  If you are working on this, great!  Keep going....this is a process!  Go slowly and reward yourself along the way! Today, we are going to look at Step Three: In Letting Go...We Give Back To Ourselves. Step Three is  not really a "step" in the literal context of the word, but it is a critical concept of our renewal process in the New Year. Let me explain by sharing this short narrative. In my young adult life and all during my adult years, my dad maintained an extra...

Forgiveness is a practice that is commonly used in many aspects of our lives, and yet, I think it is one that many of us struggle with. Over the years working with clients in therapy, frequently I would hear the words, "Holli, why should I forgive him?  He doesn't deserve it!"  Or, "Why should I let her off the hook?   She destroyed my life!"  Or, "How can I forgive them? Look at the injustice that has been committed?" Or, "I know I need to forgive myself. But I can't. I don't deserve it." Although  you may have heard this before, I need you to hear what I am about to say.  This is extremely important.    Forgiveness is not about or for the other person or thing.   Forgiveness is about and for you.   Forgiveness is about and for you. As long as we hold on to our anger, resentment, bitterness, or disappointment towards other people and things or even towards ourselves, we remain tethered to them and to those toxic emotio...