"Educated" Reminds Us, Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. Speak It Anyway.
Recently, I finished reading Tara Westover's powerful memoir,"Educated." This blog is neither a review of her work or a critique of its content. It is about its offerings. I think one of the extraordinary gifts of "Educated" is Ms. Westover's willingness to share her story with raw and rarely revealed levels of vulnerability. I was completely taken by this book. Why? Because "Educated" Reminds Us, Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. And, Tara Westover, chose to Speak It Anyway.
Let's explore three areas of cost:
Being Shamed
Being Shattered
Being Shunned
Being Shamed
Victims who speak up against their abuse or abusers are shamed. Abuse is about power and control. And those who hold the power utilize it to their advantage. One way to silence victims is to blame them, discredit them, and devalue them by any means. Tara Westover bears this cost when speaking her truth.
As Tara attempted to explain to her parents about the abuse her brother was inflicting upon her, her father demanded proof. With her mother silent, Tara cried out, "You don't need proof....You've seen it. You've both seen it." (p.423) Her parents acknowledged nothing. Instead, her father phoned her brother, the abuser, requesting his presence in order to discredit his daughter's account and further shame her.
Being Shamed weakens victims, placing them in a defensive and a more vulnerable position. Abusers know this.Tara spoke up anyway.
Being Shattered
Victims of abuse, regardless of the duration and severity, cary all kinds of scars - physical, emotional, psychological. Victims who have endured chronic abuse have a fractured sense of identify. Thus,when victims do find the courage to voice their beliefs or resist those of the abuser, they question their right to do so. They question their own existence. These psychological wounds of Being Shattered show up in the life messages victims say to themselves about themselves. This was true for Tara Westover.
Tara's father did not believe in traditional medical care. After Tara chose to go against her father's edict by taking her injured brother to a hospital, her shattered self spoke these truths: "I am not a good daughter. I am a traitor, a wolf among sheep; there is something different about me and that difference is not good." (p. 219-220)
If victims decide to test the power of the abuser by voicing a truth or choosing another path, they know they will invite additional abuse. They know they will be broken, again. For some, it is not worth the cost. For countless others, like Tara, it is.
Being Shunned
Victims who share the truth about their abuse, either to other family members or to outside sources, risk Being Shunned not only by their families but by those whose allegiances lie with the abuser . Tara Westover's family was no different.
After Tara's sister reached out to her, promising to confront their brother's abuse together, Tara's sister changed her mind. "That is how my sister ended her letter, by telling me I was not welcome in her home, or even to call her..."(p.435). Tara continues, "When I lost my sister, I lost my family." (p. 436)
Family bonds are hard to undo, especially when victims are conditioned to live in environments of Being Shamed and Shattered. Most victims internalize the abuse as their fault. Most victims wage an internal war between choosing their families (while enduring horrific abuse) and envisioning a life without them. It is a cost too high for many. For Tara, it was not.
Tara Westover chose to Speak Truth Anyway.
Many of the reviews written about "Educated" comment about how education saved Ms. Westover's life. I disagree. Although an education provided a path out of her environment and a backdrop from which to renegotiate her maladaptive life messages, Tara Westover saved her own life.
And she did so by speaking her truth, over a span of time and in several ways:
Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story
Speaking Truth to Sources of Support
Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self
Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story
Because of the costs incurred, victims are conditioned not to speak their truth. However, one critical step in reclaiming themselves occurs when victims begin to Speak Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story, to those who have demonstrated a modicum of safety. This is not easy; it takes time. It must be tested and its benefit proven worthy of the risk. Tara Westover's brother, Tyler, proved a worthy source.
Although Tyler was a safe confident during Tara's early years, it was when she was older that he expressed it so profoundly in a email. He wrote: "Our parents are held down by chains of abuse, manipulations, and control...They see change as dangerous and will exile anyone who asks for it. This is a perverted loyalty...Keep safe. We [Tyler and his wife] love you." (p.469)
In order for victims to begin shedding shaming messages which hold them hostage to their abusive environments, there must be the presence of someone who counters or rejects twisted beliefs and who affirms and validates their stories. However, just as Tara did, it is the victim who first must be brave enough to risk speaking truth and to seek out those worthy of it.
Speaking Truth to Sources of Support
Each time victims are able to Speak Their Truths to Sources of Support, their voices will strengthen. Tara cautiously tested the waters of speaking her truth and experienced its affirmation as she began sharing it with professors, college friends, and within personal relationships. When it came time, when Tara realized she needed more intensive professional support to save herself, she turned to a counselor.
"I enrolled in the university counseling service. I was assigned to a sprightly middle-aged woman with tight curls and sharp eyes, who rarely spoke in our sessions, preferring to let me talk it out, which I did, week after week, month after month. The counseling did nothing at first.....but their [sessions] collective power over time was undeniable." (p.470)
The more victims choose to share their stories in trusting and safe environments, the more they will begin separating their false fractured selves from their emerging authentic selves. Tara knew she could not do this alone. She sought help. She chose to save her life.
Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self
Once victims experience the nourishing and healing properties which come from Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story and Speaking to Sources of Support, most are hungry to experience more. And so, they begin to Speak Truth to Honor a New Self. It is up to each individual to find a venue for sharing one's voice, for on-going change, support, and growth. It might mean continuing with counseling, leading /joining a support or 12-Step group, or starting an organization or a foundation. It might mean writing an article, a blog or book.
Tara Westover chose to continue her journey of honoring herself by writing "Education." In her final chapter as she recalls a horrific night of abuse, she writes, "That night I called on her [younger injured Tara] and she didn't answer. She left me. She stayed in the mirror. The decisions I made after that moment were not the ones she would have made. They were the choices of a changed person, a new self." (p.488)
In conclusion, whether survivors speak publicly about their abuse or when they establish boundaries around unhealthy relationships, they can anticipate criticism and condemnation. However, it is no longer of importance to them. By Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self, they are no longer held hostage to their pasts. Just as Tara did, survivors have become empowered, by saving themselves and living new lives.
*Citations
Westover, T. (2018). Educated: a memoire. New York: Random House
Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost
Folks often question why victims don't speak up or why they don't speak up sooner about their abuse. Although there are many reasons for not doing so and individual circumstances vary greatly, Tara Westover's memoir courageously unveils the costs of speaking truth about abuse and bravely unearths their painful consequences. Let's explore three areas of cost:
Being Shamed
Being Shattered
Being Shunned
Victims who speak up against their abuse or abusers are shamed. Abuse is about power and control. And those who hold the power utilize it to their advantage. One way to silence victims is to blame them, discredit them, and devalue them by any means. Tara Westover bears this cost when speaking her truth.
As Tara attempted to explain to her parents about the abuse her brother was inflicting upon her, her father demanded proof. With her mother silent, Tara cried out, "You don't need proof....You've seen it. You've both seen it." (p.423) Her parents acknowledged nothing. Instead, her father phoned her brother, the abuser, requesting his presence in order to discredit his daughter's account and further shame her.
Being Shamed weakens victims, placing them in a defensive and a more vulnerable position. Abusers know this.Tara spoke up anyway.
Being Shattered
Victims of abuse, regardless of the duration and severity, cary all kinds of scars - physical, emotional, psychological. Victims who have endured chronic abuse have a fractured sense of identify. Thus,when victims do find the courage to voice their beliefs or resist those of the abuser, they question their right to do so. They question their own existence. These psychological wounds of Being Shattered show up in the life messages victims say to themselves about themselves. This was true for Tara Westover.
Tara's father did not believe in traditional medical care. After Tara chose to go against her father's edict by taking her injured brother to a hospital, her shattered self spoke these truths: "I am not a good daughter. I am a traitor, a wolf among sheep; there is something different about me and that difference is not good." (p. 219-220)
If victims decide to test the power of the abuser by voicing a truth or choosing another path, they know they will invite additional abuse. They know they will be broken, again. For some, it is not worth the cost. For countless others, like Tara, it is.
Being Shunned
Victims who share the truth about their abuse, either to other family members or to outside sources, risk Being Shunned not only by their families but by those whose allegiances lie with the abuser . Tara Westover's family was no different.
After Tara's sister reached out to her, promising to confront their brother's abuse together, Tara's sister changed her mind. "That is how my sister ended her letter, by telling me I was not welcome in her home, or even to call her..."(p.435). Tara continues, "When I lost my sister, I lost my family." (p. 436)
Family bonds are hard to undo, especially when victims are conditioned to live in environments of Being Shamed and Shattered. Most victims internalize the abuse as their fault. Most victims wage an internal war between choosing their families (while enduring horrific abuse) and envisioning a life without them. It is a cost too high for many. For Tara, it was not.
Many of the reviews written about "Educated" comment about how education saved Ms. Westover's life. I disagree. Although an education provided a path out of her environment and a backdrop from which to renegotiate her maladaptive life messages, Tara Westover saved her own life.
And she did so by speaking her truth, over a span of time and in several ways:
Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story
Speaking Truth to Sources of Support
Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self
Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story
Because of the costs incurred, victims are conditioned not to speak their truth. However, one critical step in reclaiming themselves occurs when victims begin to Speak Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story, to those who have demonstrated a modicum of safety. This is not easy; it takes time. It must be tested and its benefit proven worthy of the risk. Tara Westover's brother, Tyler, proved a worthy source.
Although Tyler was a safe confident during Tara's early years, it was when she was older that he expressed it so profoundly in a email. He wrote: "Our parents are held down by chains of abuse, manipulations, and control...They see change as dangerous and will exile anyone who asks for it. This is a perverted loyalty...Keep safe. We [Tyler and his wife] love you." (p.469)
In order for victims to begin shedding shaming messages which hold them hostage to their abusive environments, there must be the presence of someone who counters or rejects twisted beliefs and who affirms and validates their stories. However, just as Tara did, it is the victim who first must be brave enough to risk speaking truth and to seek out those worthy of it.
Speaking Truth to Sources of Support
Each time victims are able to Speak Their Truths to Sources of Support, their voices will strengthen. Tara cautiously tested the waters of speaking her truth and experienced its affirmation as she began sharing it with professors, college friends, and within personal relationships. When it came time, when Tara realized she needed more intensive professional support to save herself, she turned to a counselor.
"I enrolled in the university counseling service. I was assigned to a sprightly middle-aged woman with tight curls and sharp eyes, who rarely spoke in our sessions, preferring to let me talk it out, which I did, week after week, month after month. The counseling did nothing at first.....but their [sessions] collective power over time was undeniable." (p.470)
The more victims choose to share their stories in trusting and safe environments, the more they will begin separating their false fractured selves from their emerging authentic selves. Tara knew she could not do this alone. She sought help. She chose to save her life.
Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self
Once victims experience the nourishing and healing properties which come from Speaking Truth to Those Worthy of Their Story and Speaking to Sources of Support, most are hungry to experience more. And so, they begin to Speak Truth to Honor a New Self. It is up to each individual to find a venue for sharing one's voice, for on-going change, support, and growth. It might mean continuing with counseling, leading /joining a support or 12-Step group, or starting an organization or a foundation. It might mean writing an article, a blog or book.
Tara Westover chose to continue her journey of honoring herself by writing "Education." In her final chapter as she recalls a horrific night of abuse, she writes, "That night I called on her [younger injured Tara] and she didn't answer. She left me. She stayed in the mirror. The decisions I made after that moment were not the ones she would have made. They were the choices of a changed person, a new self." (p.488)
In conclusion, whether survivors speak publicly about their abuse or when they establish boundaries around unhealthy relationships, they can anticipate criticism and condemnation. However, it is no longer of importance to them. By Speaking Truth to Honor a New Self, they are no longer held hostage to their pasts. Just as Tara did, survivors have become empowered, by saving themselves and living new lives.
Thank you, Tara Westover , for reminding us that Speaking Truth About Abuse Comes At A Cost. Speak It Anyway.
~ Believe and Be Well ~
If "Education" spoke to you, you may want to read...
Inside The "Glass Castle," Parents Betray Their Children
Inside The "Glass Castle," Parents Betray Their Children
Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness
A Pearl Is A Beautiful Thing Produced By An Injured Life
Beautiful Brave Stories of Daughters Healing From Maternal Betrayal
For more healing resources, visit Holli Kenley
*Citations
Westover, T. (2018). Educated: a memoire. New York: Random House
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