WellnessWithHolli

  Resolutions are statements about whether to do or not to do something.  We make them, especially as we enter into a new year, hoping they will encourage us to make shifts and changes in our quality of living. The problem is that when it comes time to implement them, most folks become easily discouraged, give up, and abandon them as quickly as they were made.  Unfortunately, after our good intentions have failed once again, we feel embarrassed. We feel regret.. and lots of it. Although there are books written on this topic, we're going to keep it simple. Let's take a look at  Three Tips For Putting Your New Year's Resolutions To Work!   Tip One: Start with realistic specific goals. One reason resolutions don't work is because folks avoid addressing "roadblocks." As you begin thinking about the changes or shifts you want to make, be honest with yourself about your current reality. What obstacles do you face?   What is your weekly schedule demanding of ...

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Two If you have not read Part One , please begin reading.  Session Two: The Me You Cannot See A week later, Yvonne and Sally entered my office.   Immediately, a thick anxious energy filled the room. We settled into our chairs, with Yvonne and Sally facing one another. I sat to the side between them. I began the session with some deep breathing exercises. We closed our eyes, relaxed our bodies, and released the tense energy among us. In our private sessions, Yvonne had shared with me that whenever she tried to talk to her mom in the past about the abuse, her mom always defended or excused her behaviors around not protecting Yvonne.   So, before Yvonne shared her betrayal narrative, I provided Sally with a list of “reflective listening phrases” – such as “I hear you saying ….” Or “Could you tell me more…I want to understand…“   I also modeled this reflective listening skill for Sally as she would be asked to ...

Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part One  Introduction As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years, until several weeks ago I had never witnessed in a therapeutic session such profound healing and hope that took place between a daughter and her mother.   Both women were vulnerable – filled with “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure” (Brene Brown).   Both women were brave. Both women were willing to trust the process. The Daughter and Mother session was an extension of my work with my client – the Daughter, who I will call Yvonne . In a prior blog, Shame: It Was Never Yours To Carry , I introduced Yvonne as a young woman who described the genesis of her painful, abusive childhood in words I had never before heard: “I was born into Shame.” In our ensuing sessions, Yvonne demonstrated her commitment and courage to her recovery. She and I processed her layers of Shame. Throughout her entire life as a child, adolescent, and teen years, ...

I have been working in the field of psychology as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years. In my work with clients healing from all kinds of abuse, trauma, and betrayal, I have never heard the words a client spoke to me a few weeks ago. They shook me to my core.   "I WAS BORN INTO SHAME"  As I do with most of my clients who are healing from painful wounding incurred within their families of origin, I tenderly begin by helping them peel away their Outer Layers of Shame.  The Outer Layers of Shame are the messages we tell oursleves about ourselves, our worth, and our value. These messages are formed from our life experiences.  You see, even though their injuries and injustices were inflicted upon them, it is human nature for victims to feel responsible, to feel it is their fault, and thus, to feel tremendous Shame. It is common to hear these life messages from clients: "I am not enough. I don't matter. I'm to blame. I am worthless." And so, it was d...

I'm Holli Kenley. I work in the field of psychology as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I am the author of four books on BETRAYAL, and I consider myself a thought-leader on BETRAYAL Trauma and how to recover from it.  My TED Talk  BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About  was recently released. When we think of BETRAYAL, for most of us our minds go to issues of infidelity. Sadly, it has been my experience that one of the most common forms of BETRAYAL is not infidelity --  it is Parental Betrayal.  Currently in my private practice, all my adult clients have been victims of Parental Betrayal - p rimary caregivers (parents or guardians) who were encharged with loving and protecting their children and who failed to do so. In fact, for most of my clients their caregivers are the perpetrators -- individuals who   inflicted harm and abuse upon them. Or, caregivers were aware of their children being abused by a family member or relative (or other indivi...

Recently I gave a TED Talk - BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About . At the beginning of  the talk I asked the audience two questions: "If you have ever felt betrayed, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive? And if you tried any of those things, have you felt better....or bitter?" With over ten thousand hours in session as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with clients healing from betrayal, I've heard from hundreds of individuals who have wondered why they still are stuck in the pain of their betrayal injury, even after they have forgiven their betrayer/s.  Based on years of researching and analyzing betrayal and on my professional experience, I believe Forgiveness Does Not Heal Betrayal. Here's Why. Healing From Betrayal - Concept #1 Practicing forgiveness may release the hold the betrayer has on you. But it does not heal the betrayal wound. I want to acknowledge that practicing forgiveness holds deep meaning in...

Have you ever felt betrayed?  If so, have you been told to give it time, to trust again, or to forgive and move on? And, if you tried any of those things, have you felt better or bitter? IF you have felt stuck in the pain of betrayal, I want you to know that there is a reason. Take a listen and find out what that is.  If you are ready to heal from your betrayal, I invite you to RIGHT YOURSELF with.. BREAKING THROUGH BETRAYAL: And Recovering The Peace Within Amazon Top 100 Books In Recovery (ACOA) For more healing resources, visit  Holli Kenley Follow us  Twitter ,  Instagram ,   Facebook

It is so easy to feel stuck in betrayal.  Why? The very nature of betrayal tells us that you didn't do anything wrong.  Someone else or something else wronged you!  Therefore, someone or something else needs to fix it or make it right! Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is a trap and it will keep you stuck.  In order to start freeing yourself from betrayal, it is important to know the traps and how they are impacting you. Let's get started.  Feeling Stuck From Betrayal Injury?The Betrayal Whisperer Is Here To Help! Five Common Traps! Trap #1: Waiting for someone or something else to fix it or make it right. This is the biggest trap that victims of betrayal fall into.  As already mentioned, this is a completely natural feeling to have. Although this is not the case for everyone, most individuals wait for the  betrayer  to come to his/her senses, to apologize, or to make amends or restitution. Other victims of betrayal may wait...