SHAME - It Was Never Yours To Carry

I have been working in the field of psychology as a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 25 years. In my work with clients healing from all kinds of abuse, trauma, and betrayal, I have never heard the words a client spoke to me a few weeks ago. They shook me to my core. 

"I WAS BORN INTO SHAME" 

As I do with most of my clients who are healing from painful wounding incurred within their families of origin, I tenderly begin by helping them peel away their Outer Layers of Shame. The Outer Layers of Shame are the messages we tell oursleves about ourselves, our worth, and our value. These messages are formed from our life experiences. You see, even though their injuries and injustices were inflicted upon them, it is human nature for victims to feel responsible, to feel it is their fault, and thus, to feel tremendous Shame. It is common to hear these life messages from clients: "I am not enough. I don't matter. I'm to blame. I am worthless."

And so, it was during a particularly sensitive session where I was guiding a client (who I will call Yvonne) through her past abuses, trauma, and a multitude of unspeakable betrayals, that I realized her Outer Layers of Shame were suffocating her. They were like a shroud tightly wrapped around her chest restricting her breathing and speaking.

I knew we needed to continue, very slowly and tenderly. I paused to give Yvonne time to ground herself. To feel safe again. I checked in with her. And when Yvonne was ready, I gently asked her, “When was the first time you can ever remember feeling Shame?”

Yvonne sat quietly, not saying a word for several moments.  I waited. Then, with tears welling in her eyes and her voice quivering, she softly asserted, “I was born into Shame.”

In that moment, I didn’t know if Yvonne realized or could begin to comprehend the profound insight she had voiced. To be honest, I was grappling with it myself. I was overcome by the longevity of Shame’s presence in Yvonne’s life and of its devastating consequences.  And I was simultaneously processing the possibilities of freedom from them.

Our eyes connected. Holding the space with unconditional positive regard, I reflected back to Yvonne, “I hear you.  Your words are powerful.  ‘I was born into Shame.’ Can you tell me more about what you are feeling?”

For the first time in several weeks, as Yvonne spoke her truths describing the damaging and destructive environment in which she was raised, I sensed the Shroud of Shame was loosening its grip. Yvonne’s voice took on a strength I had not heard before.

“My parents’ lives were so messed up, even before I was born. When I came along, I didn’t have a chance.” Yvonne took in a deep breath. The Shroud was unraveling. Her voice mirrored its release.  “My parents couldn’t live with their Shame, so they took it out on me. I paid the price.” She repeated, “I never had a chance.”

Yvonne and I have continued working together, peeling away additional Outer Layers of Shame, identifying their sources, and tending to her Core of Shame. I believe our Core of Shame holds our deepest wounds of abuse, trauma, and betrayal. It is where our most inner personal and painful losses of self reside. Losses such as loss of identify, innocence, role, and reputation. Loss of being seen and of being heard.  Together, within our safe and trusting therapeutic relationship, Yvonne is slowly and courageouosly recovering her "loss of self."

But since the session where Yvonne proclaimed her Truth, “I was born into Shame,” her newly freed voice is rooted in resilience and an awakened sense of self.  At the close of a recent session, as I usually do, I asked Yvonne what she was learning. She bravely and boldly stated, “Holli, I was born into Shame. But, I know now it was never mine to carry.”

 A Note From Me To You

Individuals who come from environments where their primary caregivers were unwilling, unable, or incapable of taking care of them in the ways they needed and deserved as children almost always feel responsible for their unhealthy caregivers and their harmful behaviors. Children assume their caregivers’ Shame because there is no other explanation for why they are being mistreated. Sadly, as children mature, they tend to engage in self-harming behaviors or be drawn to destructive relationships in order to cope with the Shame they carry.   

If you are carrying someone else’s Shame, I encourage you to honor yourself by choosing to heal from your wounding. No one knows better than you what you are feeling or what you are going through. And, no one else will take better care of you – than you.

To get started, I recommend seeking out a trusted professional such as a therapist, psychologist or counselor. If that is not possilbe, I’d like to recommend a couple of my books which you might find helpful  I wrote them as though I am in therapy with you.

Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within is for anyone who has experienced any kind of betrayal trauma. It is a compassionate guide and companion that will take you step by step through the healing process from betrayal injury. 

SHIFTING Bravely: A Path to Growth, Healing, and Transformation is for anyone who is feeling stuck, stagnant, or unsettled. Or for anyone who is tired of being in discomfort and is longing for healthy change. This is a self-help book filled with exercises to guide you on your journey.

Also, September 2022,  I gave my first TED Talk : BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About. It has resonnated with thousands of individuals.  You are NOT alone. Others know your pain. Others are healing too.