Healthy Families: Is Mine Flexible?
We are having a discussion about Healthy Families. If you
are new to this series, please return to Part One: Healthy Families - Is Mine Free of Entanglements?, and then join us here. We are examining families as a “system.”
In other words, families are like complex
moving machines where each individual is an integral and interdependent part to its overall level
of functioning. Today, we move to Part Two Healthy Families: Is Mine Flexible?
Flexible means to be able to change or adapt with ease. Flexible
families tend to move through turbulence embracing an adaptive posture and
stabilizing it in the process.
Let’s explore two
areas of flexibility:
- Elastic
- Energize
Elastic
In defining a family system, elastic means the following:
One which has the ability to stretch, bend, or flex beyond its previously defined stasis.
Read again, aloud.
One which has the ability to stretch, bend, or flex beyond its previously defined
stasis.
Healthy family systems provide structure. However, they also
take into account that there are many moving parts and variables. Thus, in
order to keep things running smoothly it may require adjustments or shifts in
how the system functions. Usually, when families are struggling and come in for counseling, they fall into one of
two categories: either their system is extremely rigid or incredibly permissive.
- In a rigid family system, there is typically a hierarchy of power or control in which change within the system is highly discouraged or not tolerated. Often times, expression of one’s beliefs which are contrary to family norms is unacceptable.
- On the other hand, in a permissive system, there is an absence of authority or guidance. Members roles are interchangeable or undefined. It is difficult for the family system to function effectively, especially in disorienting circumstances, because of the inability to form a strong secure response in which to do so.
It is important for parents or care-givers to be accountable
for the responsibilities of parenthood and to establish reasonable expectations
for their children. As families grow and change, they experience different
challenges as well as unforeseen hardships.
Healthy families embrace change with a flexible approach, making changes
and modifications in their roles and responsibilities.
Recently, I was working with an adult female client (who I will call Andrea)
whose family embraced a flexible approach as they dealt with a difficult issue.
Two years ago, Andrea’s mom was diagnosed with stage four cancer. Although
Andrea has two siblings, she is the only one who lives in the same town as her parents. Because Andrea’s father is
disabled and not able to care for his wife, Andrea and her parents made the
mutual decision for Andrea to sell her house and move in with her parents to
assist with her mom’s care. Not only did this decision help out Andrea on a
financial level, but it also gave her the opportunity to give back to her mom
and dad, whom she adores and loves deeply.
As the above example illustrates, an elastic approach
requires compassionate adjustments. With open communication and unconditional
regard for one another, the flexible family morphs into a new and responsive
family system.
Structure provides families with safety and security.
An elastic approach allows for movement within.
Energize
With regards to healthy families, energize means the
following:
The positive fueling by each individual within the family
system.
Read again, aloud.
The positive fueling by each individual within the family
system.
Healthy family systems need a blend of structure and
movement. Many times, that structure and
movement gets clogged with negative behaviors. All too often, family members come
together only to complain afterward about one another or to spread gossip or
rumors. Others relish the latest family
drama, pulling in other family members in the process. Of course, all families have their problems
and it is important they delegate times to communicate constructively and
support each other through difficult challenges. However, when it becomes
a normative behavior for one or more family
members to dramatize and catastrophize problems (even minor ones), the system
becomes drained and depleted. Over time and with repeated negativity or
distrust of one another, the family system erodes from within and remains
entrenched in its dysfunction.
Healthy families work hard at maintaining their flexibility
through positive forms of energizing it. For example, compassionate and caring
energy will fuel and feed the system. Family members feel comfortable and are
more open to making allowances. Nurturing energy draws family members into a
safe system where they feel acceptance and belonging, and thus, each member is
more likely to contribute in positive ways. Empathic energy creates an
environment of unconditional positive regard, cultivating a climate of
vulnerability, courage, and support. Family members feel they can trust one
another, drawing them closer together.
Over the years working in the area of betrayal, I have had
many clients who suffered horrifically. Every kind of betrayal is unique along
with its ensuing injuries. When a close family member is betrayed by another,
the entire family system fractures. Many years ago, a female client (who I will
call Alma) was betrayed by her husband of over fifty years. Alma and her
family, who were prominent, well-respected pillars of their community, were
devastated. The husband’s infidelity involved another family member, and thus,
caused the family further embarrassment and shame. As Alma painfully worked
through her grief over the loss of her marriage as well as the betrayal of her trust,
Alma and her family embraced the situation with grace and dignity.
Pulling in closely together and finding safety in one another, all family
members used their energy in positive ways. In addition, they intentionally and
purposely avoided depleting behaviors such as gossip and drama. Eventually, Alma’s family moved forward,
fortified by their endless supply of empathy and compassion for each other.
In closing this section on energizing, it is important to
note a couple of observations. First, there are families, because of culture,
ethnicity, heritage or background, who pride themselves on the closeness of
family culture and on the “theater” which accompanies that dynamic. If heightened levels of emotion or discourse
contribute to the overall well being – the flexibility – of the family system,
then that too should be recognized and celebrated. Secondly, often times there
are individual family members within a dramatic system who do not find serenity
and security within it. Instead, they may feel depleted by loose boundaries or
disrespected by potential negative behaviors such as gossiping, spreading
rumors, and disclosing of private information. In these cases, it is up to individual family
members to shore up their personal boundaries and to safe-guard their levels of
energy.
Healthy families provide structure, allowing for shifts as
needed.
They are energized by each member’s positive contributions.
For more healing tools, visit Holli Kenley, MA, MFT
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