The Humpty Dumpty Puzzle: How to live a healthy life while being a part of an unhealthy family
The Humpty Dumpty Puzzle: How to live a healthy life while being a part of an unhealthy family
Introduction
When I was a little girl, I remember listening to a strange little nursery rhyme – Humpty Dumpty. Although it was one of many popular nursery rhymes of my childhood, it was sad and odd. It goes like this:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King’s horseman and all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again
Background
In my adolescent, teen, and young adult years, I knew my family of origin was not healthy. There was alcoholism, emotional abuse, anger, and fractured relationships. It wasn’t until I embraced my recovery in my 30’s that I realized the depth of my family’s brokenness. I moved away from my family of origin and although I loved them, I - along with my husband and daughter - created a new, healthy way of being and I lived my life apart from them – physically and emotionally.
My life continued on a healthy path and for decades, I had not thought of this bizarre, morose little nursery rhyme. However, in 2015 my family of origin endured a horrific trauma – my elderly parents attempted (but did not complete) a dual suicide. I shared this traumatic incident publicly in my first TEDx Talk - BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About. But what I did not disclose in this TEDx Talk was how my family – like Humpty Dumpty - “had a great fall and couldn’t be put together again.” After the attempted suicides my family was like a broken puzzle, with pieces scattered everywhere and gaping holes where pieces were missing altogther.
It was a defining moment for me. I gave up the hope that my family could ever be any different. And, I continued to keep my commitment to my wellbeing by living this truth:
I choose to live a healthy life while being a part of an unhealthy family.
Connecting with my clients and with you
As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have always worked from a Family System’s Approach. This means that although I work primarily with individual clients, it is important to explore their family’s background and examine the impact of any childhood and adult traumatic experiences on their development and presenting issues. I have always been mindful of providing a safe, comfortable space for guiding my clients through their tender healing journeys.
However, after my family “had a great fall and couldn’t be put together again” I became even more attuned to and empathic towards clients struggling in their relationships with their unhealthy families of origin.
I could see, hear, and feel their internal painful conflict as they shared,
“Holli, how can I be healthy when my family isn’t? How do I go on? I can’t take being hurt one more time!”
If any of this resonates with you, please read on.
The purpose of today’s blog - The Humpty Dumpty Puzzle: How to live a healthy life while being a part of an unhealthy family – is twofold
1) To explore several common traps that keep individuals stuck
2) To examine a few healing concepts for moving forward
Let’s get started as we explore several common traps of the Humpty Dumpty Puzzle.
Common Traps
1. The Feeling Guilty Trap
As clients work hard at establishing a healthy life apart from their unhealthy families, the emotion that weighs most heavily on them is Guilt. Their guilt creates enormous internal conflict. It is a common trap.
Does this sound familiar?
“I am the family scapegoat. Everything is blamed on me and I am the healthy one! Even though I love them, I need to keep my distance. But I feel so guilty.”
“I have set my boundaries with my family. I see them in doses. But then, I start to feel guilty. My dad is getting older. Maybe I can set stronger boundaries next time?”
“I haven’t talked to my mom in months. My sisters and brother are hardly talking to each other anymore. I feel tremendous guilt and shame. My family is broken. And yet, in my culture ‘family is important’. It’s a vicious cycle of heartbreaking and heavy emotions.”
Guilt is powerful and it will erode your state of wellbeing. And, it serves no one – not your family and not you.
This is important.
Guilt is nothing more than “self-imposed judgment”. Read that again.
Guilt is nothing more than “self-imposed judgement”.
No one is making you feel guilty. You are choosing to judge yourself and your decisions to take care of yourself. If you can choose it, you can un-choose it. You can let it go.
2. The Fixing Trap
My clients work hard at getting healthy. It is why they are in therapy! And so, it is only natural that as they feel the rewards of getting healthier, they want that for their families as well. But there is just one problem – most families don’t want to change or get better, and many have the self-awareness to do so.
Can you relate to any of these situations?
“I explained to my family that arguing and fighting at our family events is hurting a lot of us. I gave them a couple of suggestions on how to take care of their anger. It was a huge mistake!”
“I asked my family if anyone was willing to go to therapy with me – to try and make things better. They thought it was a joke and said I was the one with the problem.”
“Over the years, I’ve tried so many things to make my family better… Nothing works. I just end up getting blamed and shamed. I’m told, ‘You think you are better than us.’ It’s painful.”
If you have been trying to fix your family, you are probably a very caring, compassionate, and loving person.
This is important.
Pause and ask yourself if anything you have done has worked.
If so, great. But be honest with yourself and if it hasn’t, let go of over-investing into those who do not want to change. Let go of the “Fixing Trap.” Release it and yourself.
3. The Fantasy Trap
Every client who I have worked with who had an unhealthy family wished they were healthy! Regardless of how close or detached they were from them, my clients hoped, dreamed, and fantasized (to some degree) that their families could be healthy or healthier.
Do any of these words sound familiar?
“Every holiday, birthday, or family get-together I keep hoping things are going to be different. But a couple of toxic people in my family always cause drama and chaos. Maybe someday….”
“Sometimes I dream of our family like it was when I was little. We still had problems but not like it is now… I can still dream, can’t I?”
“My best friend has a close, loving family. Sure, they have their problems…but not like my family. I’ll never give up believing that my family can be close again. It’s just going to take time.”
There is nothing wrong with hoping, wishing, and dreaming that something or someone will change.
This is important.
Letting go of hope for your family may be painful in the short term. But in the long term, it is healthier to be realistic than feed yourself with false expectations or unfounded hope.
If the Fantasy Trap is holding you back from living your healthy life or interfering with it in any way, let it go. Release it.
Let’s continue as we examine a few healing concepts for moving forward.
Healing Concepts for Moving Forward
1. Grief Work
As my clients work hard to let go of the Guilt Trap, Fixing Trap, and Fantasy Trap, they are usually left with one strong emotion – sadness. Deep sadness. If I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it thousands of times, “Holli, I am just so sad.”
It is sad because not having a healthy family is a loss. And most likely, you are experiencing layers and layers of loss and different kinds of loss. For example: there is the loss of relationships, the loss of all the holidays and family celebrations that were not filled with joy and happiness, the loss of loving connection and belonging, the loss of innocence, the loss of mental and physical health, and the list goes on.
My clients and I spend time working through their grief. It is not a one-time practice. Because families are dynamic (always changing or in flux), various pieces of brokenness can surface at any time. Thus, it is important to implement grieving practices whenever your sadness or other grieving emotions surface.
For many years, the process of grieving was explained as a series of stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But thinking has expanded to include other stages. And, we now understand that grieving process is fluid, not a rigid linear experience. We can be feeling fine one minute. And then a moment later, a trigger or memory surfaces and grief washes over us like waves rushing the shore. We can find ourselves struggling to surface through a crushing wave of painful emotions.
A therapist friend of mine who is an expert on grief believes that as we grieve, we cycle through these fluid stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and adjustment. I love the word adjustment because it empowers us to take care of ourselves and not just “accept” our unhealthy families. I will discuss this more in the following healing concepts.
For now, when you feel sad, turn to healthy practices to release your grief: journal, meditate, pray, go for walk, talk with a trusted friend, implement breath work, or incorporate any physical or spiritual activity that renews your mind, body, and spirit.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with you as you grieve the losses of an unhealthy family. But it is your responsibility to take care of Your SELF so that you can live a healthy life.
2. Commit to Recovering Your SELF or Continue Your Recovering
One of the most important healing concepts in moving forward in living a healthy life apart from an unhealthy family is to Commit to Recovering Your SELF, or if you already are working on Your Recovering, please continue!
Whether you are in therapy, or a support group, or embrace another wellness path, when you are exposed to or experiencing your family having “a great fall that couldn’t be put together”, stop and take care of your SELF. If you going through a period of sadness, anger, resentment, or deep pain, increase your sessions or adjust whatever you need to do in order to stay strong and stay healthy.
If you have not yet committed to a process of Recovering Your SELF, I encourage you to begin that journey. There is a plethora of resources out there! I would like to recommend one of my books, SHIFTING Bravely: A Path To Growth, Healing, and Transformation. It is a self-help, self-paced, compassionate guide for stepping out of the discomfort, dis-ease, or dissatisfaction in your life as a result of years of brokenness and SHFITING Bravely onto a path of wellness.
Remember, no one really knows what you are going through better than you. No one will take better care of you than YOU.
3. Boundary Work
Boundary work is essential to living a healthy life apart from an unhealthy family. Boundaries are not about pushing others away. Boundaries are about protecting your healthy way of being. The wonderful thing about boundary work is that you can adjust your boundaries as needed. Again, this empowers you as you teach others what you will accept and what you won’t. You are in charge.
I have many clients who want to stay in relationship with unhealthy family members. They are able to do so, but it is hard work, and it takes practice and testing different kinds of boundaries. They see what works and what doesn’t. Sometimes, client’s get reinjured, but they learn from it and readjust their boundaries.
At the same time, I work with many clients who choose not to stay in relationship with their unhealthy family members. Their reasons are varied, but most commonly, their families are not safe for them. They have learned through years of experience that any degree of exposure to unhealthy family members is damaging to their wellbeing.
If you are new to boundary work or need a refresher, I invite to pick up a copy of Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition. There is an entire section, Boundary Work: Bracing Yourself With Supportive Structures, that will provide numerous exercises and practices for implementing and sustaining boundaries.
Remember, boundaries are not hurting others. They are about creating a safe invisible barrier around you in order to protect your healing and YOU.
4. Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a sensitive and personal topic. It means different things to each of us.
I view forgiveness in two different ways. Both allow us to step into our power as we adjust.
First, I see forgiveness as a process of releasing and letting go. Of freeing oneself from the pain caused by someone or something else. If practicing forgiveness helps you in your healing from an unhealthy family, of course, you should implement this practice.
Remember, forgiveness does not change or excuse unhealthy family behavior. However, it can change how you feel. It can restore your peace and recenter your being.
Secondly, I view forgiveness as a time “for - giving” to one’s SELF. When we are hurt, angry, frustrated, filled with pain, we often react in order to cope. What I am suggesting is that when we are feeling these charged emotions, we press the pause button. And we use this time “for-giving” to our SELVES.
When I am going through a painful period related to my family’s brokenness, I ask myself:
What do I need? What will help me to get through this and take care of myself? What are my sources of renewal and replenishment?
For me, it is quiet time, alone. It is a massage. Or a long walk in nature. I rest and I release my emotions. I shore up boundaries. If I feel like talking, I schedule lunch with healthy, nurturing friend or schedule a healing therapy session. I don’t rush this. I take my time, as much as I need.
I offer more insights on the healing practices and properties of forgiveness in Breaking Through Betrayal . If you need more support in this area, I invite you to pick up a copy.
Remember, you know what you need “for-giving” back to Your SELF. It is up to you to take those steps.
5. Focus on Creating Your Own Healthy Family Unit
Lastly, one of the most empowering and healing concepts in how to live a healthy life apart from an unhealthy family is when…
Clients shift their focus and energy away from their unhealthy families of origin and turn their focus and energy towards creating their own healthy lives and families.
This shift does not come quickly or easily. It happens over time and with commitment.
However, you will know this shift is taking place if you experience one or more of the following:
• You develop a sense of autonomy and freedom from the unhealthiness of your family of origin.
• You see your SELF as separate from your unhealthy family – not better or superior – but different in healthy ways.
• You make your SELF and your own family unit a priority when it comes time, energy, and resources so that your life and that of your loved ones are healthy – filled with safety, connection, and belonging.
• You learn to selectively invest into unhealthy family members, while being mindful of boundary work and your levels of commitment, support, or involvement in family events, gatherings, traditions, etc. Selective investment is a critical skill in taking care of your SELF. It is empowering. You choose how much of your SELF you want to invest. If you would like to learn more about how to implement Selective Investment, please consider reading Breaking Through Betrayal.
• You become fully committed to breaking the cycle of family dysfunction or perpetuating unhealthy behaviors and you remain protective of your own family unit.
• You seek out and invest into healthy, logical or alternative families that may include some family members. Or, it may not. Your family unit may also include friends, community, your tribe, or other meaningful connections.
• You turn your focus to the present and future – to change and to possibility. You turn your focus away from your family's broken puzzle and painful pieces of the past.
This last healing concept can be really tough. Many cultures and customs view families as a sacred unit – where one generation is an extension of prior generations – never to be broken or separated. Their family systems are closely aligned and interwoven. Bonds of loyalty and beliefs around obligation, duty, and tradition are deeply ingrained. To separate, to any degree, out of the family system is unthinkable and may be considered a betrayal of the family.
I can only encourage you as you make difficult choices around what is healthy for you and what is not. One of my dear therapist friends always reminds me, “Nothing changes until you do.”
Remember, you have your life.
You have one life. It is up to you how you want to live it.
Even minor changes can make all the difference.
Closing
There is a lot in this blog to absorb. Please take your time and read it again and again. You might find many different emotions surfacing. I encourage you to reflect on what they are and to spend time journaling, meditating, or praying about them. Perhaps, sharing them in therapy or with someone who is caring and trusting will provide you with support and encouragement.
I also want to encourage you to honor your truth. You might be saying to yourself, “My family is not as broken as hers. At least, my parents didn’t do what hers did.” But I want you to know that my family “had a great fall and couldn’t be put together again” long before the suicide attempts. Unhealthiness shows up in all kinds of degrees and all kinds of dysfunction.
Don’t fall into the comparison mindset. Trust your lived experiences and your truth.
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I also want you to know that it’s not easy to admit that one’s family is unhealthy. There is shame in doing so. I know. I have felt it too. So, be honest with yourself. If your family “has taken a great fall and can’t be put together again," please know you are not alone.
Others know well the sadness, confusion, and guilt of the Humpty Dumpty Puzzle.
Others are letting go of the broken puzzle pieces they once were a part of.
And, they are learning how to live a healthy life apart from them.
For more healing support, please visit
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TED Talk: BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About
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