Public Shaming - Part Two: Two Restorative Responses
We are discussing shaming. More specifically, we are exploring Public Shaming. In Public Shaming - Part One: Two Costly Casualties , we examined how the viral nature of Public Shaming is harming Our Children and Our Human Condition. If you have not already read Part One, please do so before joining us for Public Shaming Part Two: Two Restorative Responses.
Although Public Shaming has caused and continues to cause a great deal of injury and pain, we have it in our power to eradicate this toxic behavior. However, it requires that each of us decides whether we want to be part of the ongoing problem or if we want to partake in its solution.
It's as simple as that.
If you are ready to commit, let's get started with Part Two.
2 Restorative Responses To Public Shaming: A Position of Restraint and A Posture of Unconditional Regard
A Position of Restraint
Whether you have been shaming others publicly or not, we are going to make a commitment right now to adopt A Position of Restraint. In short, this means we will not act out of impulse, habit, or "because we can."We will gain control of our feelings and behaviors. We will acknowledge we are responsible for how we treat others. We will begin implementing a 3 step exercise, if and when the urge to shame shows up.
Say it again.
This is important.
Each time we adopt a Position of Restraint, we curtail the flow of Public Shaming. More importantly, how we feel begins to shift. Over time and with the repeated practice of restraining our words and behaviors, shaming behaviors do not feel comfortable.They feel foreign and fake. Why? Because we understand that adopting a Position of Restraint is the right thing. We are learning what it means to hold ourselves responsible for our actions. And, we have come to know that when we harm others we also hurt ourselves. As we continue to maintain a Position of Restraint, this Restorative Response takes hold within us, re-establishing our self-respect and strengthening our character and reputation.
Let's move to another Restorative Response: A Posture of Unconditional Regard
A Posture of Unconditional Regard
I wanted to include the word "Respect" in this next Response. However, as much as I love the word "Respect," it is not the right one for our purpose in addressing Public Shaming. Why is that?
This is important.
Earlier in our discussion, we explored how individuals are becoming more disconnected from one another and more detached from the impact their shaming words and behaviors have on others. We discussed how and why folks are morally disengaging from one another, often incapable of feeling compassion, kindness, or empathy. Therefore, it is impossible to ask individuals to treat others with respect until they are able to adopt a Posture of Unconditional Regard for them.
Read carefully.
To hold a Posture of Unconditional Regard means to look at attentively; to observe closely; to take into account; to consider.
Read again.
To hold a Posture of Unconditional Regard means to look at attentively; to observe closely; to take into account; to consider.
When reading these definitions, they do not require that we agree with, or revere, or respect others and their opinions, beliefs, etc. However, adopting a Posture of Unconditional Regard holds us to a humane standard.
This is extremely important.
With every interaction we have, we are called to consider or take into account who is on the receiving end. With every reaction, we are called to look at attentively or to observe closely the human being who could be injured by our words and behaviors. Thus, by adopting a Posture of Unconditional Regard, we do not morally disengage from one another. We do not judge one another. We mindfully treat others as we would want to be treated.
In order to adopt a Posture of Regard, we implement a 2 Step Process. However, before moving into a Posture of Regard, make certain you have implemented a Posture of Restraint: STOP, CALM, AND RESET YOUR MINDSET. Only then, are you ready to move into a Posture of Unconditional Regard.
After you have RESET YOUR MINDSET, think about the person on the receiving end of your interaction or reaction and what your first thoughts or words would be. Then, REPLACE any derogatory words with words of UNCONDITIONAL REGARD.
Ask yourself two questions as you visualize the other person:
1) What can I take into account, observe closely, or consider about this person?
2) How can I humanize this person?
For example:
First thoughts: REPLACED thoughts:
This guy is such an idiot. This young man is someone's son or brother.
Wow...is she ugly or what! I feel sad for her. I wonder if she has any friends.
What a stupid thing to say! I don't agree but he has a right to his opinion.
This book and the author sucked! I didn't care for the book, but I've never been an author.
I imagine it takes a lot of hard work and courage.
Take your time with this step. If you choose not to respond at all, great. However, the more you REPLACE shaming words with words of UNCONDITIONAL REGARD, the more you will bring healing to yourself, to Our Children, and to The Human Condition. Remember, modeling healthy behaviors can be as infectious as shaming ones.When you are ready, move on to Step Two.
Step Two: RE-FRAME
Being a huge fan of Dr. Brene' Brown, I listen to many of her books on tape as well as her talks. In one of her talks, she posses the question:
Do you think people are doing the best they can with what they have?
Or, do you believe people are NOT doing the best they can with what they have?
Although this might sound odd coming from a therapist's perspective, for a long time I believed that most individuals were NOT doing the best they could with what they had. I had lots of justifications for that thinking. However, what I came to understand and accept is that as long as I held onto that belief, I remained in a place of judgement over them. And for me, that felt awful and incompatible with the person I profess to be.
On the other hand, by assuming that people are doing the best they can with what they have, I am released from any negativity toward them. They are who they are. They have a right to be who they want to be.
Therefore, in Step Two: REFRAME, if you find yourself thinking like I was, I encourage to release it. Let it go. And then, adopt a Posture Of Regard by viewing people from a fresh perspective: "People are doing their best with what they have." As you breathe in this new truth, any lingering or residual urge you have to think about others in a negative way will evaporate. I promise you, you will feel lighter.
In closing, the insidiousness nature of Public Shaming is that we are the cause of it. However, we can also be its cure. By adopting A Position of Restraint and A Posture of Unconditional Regard, we reclaim our Humanity. What better living legacy is there than contributing to the healing of Our Children and Our Human Condition.
*Just a brief side-note of explanation to Dr. Brown's thinking on "folks doing their best." She qualifies her statement with two important considerations. First, folks who are murderers, predators, terrorists, etc. are not included in "people doing their best." And secondly, if we choose to be around people who are doing their best and who are still unhealthy, it is our responsibility to implement boundaries for our own well being.
Although Public Shaming has caused and continues to cause a great deal of injury and pain, we have it in our power to eradicate this toxic behavior. However, it requires that each of us decides whether we want to be part of the ongoing problem or if we want to partake in its solution.
It's as simple as that.
If you are ready to commit, let's get started with Part Two.
2 Restorative Responses To Public Shaming: A Position of Restraint and A Posture of Unconditional Regard
A Position of Restraint
Whether you have been shaming others publicly or not, we are going to make a commitment right now to adopt A Position of Restraint. In short, this means we will not act out of impulse, habit, or "because we can."We will gain control of our feelings and behaviors. We will acknowledge we are responsible for how we treat others. We will begin implementing a 3 step exercise, if and when the urge to shame shows up.
Here we go.
A Position of Restraint: 3 Step Process.
- STOP
- CALM
- RESET YOUR MINDSET
Step One: Whenever you feel the urge to react in a shaming way, STOP.
Before you say or write one word, remember this. You are acting out of habit, anger, hurt, resentment, control or power, or for any number of reasons. The key words are "acting out." Your digital shaming footprint is evidence of weakness, insecurity, and attention-seeking behavior. You are not showing your strength or your best side. Therefore, before you expose yourself further or harm anyone, STOP.
Step Two: As soon as you STOP, spend a few minutes to CALM yourself.
As strange as it may sound, some individuals experience an adrenaline rush when they harm someone or prepare to do so. Begin by taking at least five deep breaths. Breathe in slowly and breathe out slowly. If you still feel reactive, take another five breaths. Continue to do so until you feel CALM. If necessary, remove yourself from whatever the trigger might be. Do not return to it until you can let go of any reactive feelings. If you are not calming down, consider walking away from the trigger entirely. Release it. Do not return to it.
Step Three: RESET YOUR MINDSET.
After you are calm, repeat the following phrases.
After you are calm, repeat the following phrases.
My words reflect my character. My actions reveal its substance.
Say it again.
My words reflect my character. My actions reveal its substance.
This is important.
Each time we adopt a Position of Restraint, we curtail the flow of Public Shaming. More importantly, how we feel begins to shift. Over time and with the repeated practice of restraining our words and behaviors, shaming behaviors do not feel comfortable.They feel foreign and fake. Why? Because we understand that adopting a Position of Restraint is the right thing. We are learning what it means to hold ourselves responsible for our actions. And, we have come to know that when we harm others we also hurt ourselves. As we continue to maintain a Position of Restraint, this Restorative Response takes hold within us, re-establishing our self-respect and strengthening our character and reputation.
Let's move to another Restorative Response: A Posture of Unconditional Regard
A Posture of Unconditional Regard
I wanted to include the word "Respect" in this next Response. However, as much as I love the word "Respect," it is not the right one for our purpose in addressing Public Shaming. Why is that?
This is important.
Earlier in our discussion, we explored how individuals are becoming more disconnected from one another and more detached from the impact their shaming words and behaviors have on others. We discussed how and why folks are morally disengaging from one another, often incapable of feeling compassion, kindness, or empathy. Therefore, it is impossible to ask individuals to treat others with respect until they are able to adopt a Posture of Unconditional Regard for them.
Read carefully.
To hold a Posture of Unconditional Regard means to look at attentively; to observe closely; to take into account; to consider.
Read again.
To hold a Posture of Unconditional Regard means to look at attentively; to observe closely; to take into account; to consider.
When reading these definitions, they do not require that we agree with, or revere, or respect others and their opinions, beliefs, etc. However, adopting a Posture of Unconditional Regard holds us to a humane standard.
This is extremely important.
With every interaction we have, we are called to consider or take into account who is on the receiving end. With every reaction, we are called to look at attentively or to observe closely the human being who could be injured by our words and behaviors. Thus, by adopting a Posture of Unconditional Regard, we do not morally disengage from one another. We do not judge one another. We mindfully treat others as we would want to be treated.
In order to adopt a Posture of Regard, we implement a 2 Step Process. However, before moving into a Posture of Regard, make certain you have implemented a Posture of Restraint: STOP, CALM, AND RESET YOUR MINDSET. Only then, are you ready to move into a Posture of Unconditional Regard.
- REPLACE
- REFRAME
After you have RESET YOUR MINDSET, think about the person on the receiving end of your interaction or reaction and what your first thoughts or words would be. Then, REPLACE any derogatory words with words of UNCONDITIONAL REGARD.
Ask yourself two questions as you visualize the other person:
1) What can I take into account, observe closely, or consider about this person?
2) How can I humanize this person?
For example:
First thoughts: REPLACED thoughts:
This guy is such an idiot. This young man is someone's son or brother.
Wow...is she ugly or what! I feel sad for her. I wonder if she has any friends.
What a stupid thing to say! I don't agree but he has a right to his opinion.
This book and the author sucked! I didn't care for the book, but I've never been an author.
I imagine it takes a lot of hard work and courage.
Take your time with this step. If you choose not to respond at all, great. However, the more you REPLACE shaming words with words of UNCONDITIONAL REGARD, the more you will bring healing to yourself, to Our Children, and to The Human Condition. Remember, modeling healthy behaviors can be as infectious as shaming ones.When you are ready, move on to Step Two.
Being a huge fan of Dr. Brene' Brown, I listen to many of her books on tape as well as her talks. In one of her talks, she posses the question:
Do you think people are doing the best they can with what they have?
Or, do you believe people are NOT doing the best they can with what they have?
Although this might sound odd coming from a therapist's perspective, for a long time I believed that most individuals were NOT doing the best they could with what they had. I had lots of justifications for that thinking. However, what I came to understand and accept is that as long as I held onto that belief, I remained in a place of judgement over them. And for me, that felt awful and incompatible with the person I profess to be.
On the other hand, by assuming that people are doing the best they can with what they have, I am released from any negativity toward them. They are who they are. They have a right to be who they want to be.
Therefore, in Step Two: REFRAME, if you find yourself thinking like I was, I encourage to release it. Let it go. And then, adopt a Posture Of Regard by viewing people from a fresh perspective: "People are doing their best with what they have." As you breathe in this new truth, any lingering or residual urge you have to think about others in a negative way will evaporate. I promise you, you will feel lighter.
In closing, the insidiousness nature of Public Shaming is that we are the cause of it. However, we can also be its cure. By adopting A Position of Restraint and A Posture of Unconditional Regard, we reclaim our Humanity. What better living legacy is there than contributing to the healing of Our Children and Our Human Condition.
*Just a brief side-note of explanation to Dr. Brown's thinking on "folks doing their best." She qualifies her statement with two important considerations. First, folks who are murderers, predators, terrorists, etc. are not included in "people doing their best." And secondly, if we choose to be around people who are doing their best and who are still unhealthy, it is our responsibility to implement boundaries for our own well being.
For more on the topic of shaming, you are invited to read a 5 part series on
For more healing resources, please visit Holli Kenley
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