From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Week One - Increasing Our Understanding

Week One - Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding

Healing Begins By Increasing Our Understanding

Shame.  Just the sound of the word is heavy.  Shame.  It is laden with debilitating emotions which cause most individuals to recoil at its emergence into our lives.  Renowned researcher and author Dr. Brene' Brown  has courageously tackled the topic of shame and brought it into the comforting light of conversation. Dr. Brown defines shame as the following:

“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.” (blog, 2013/01/14)

In examining the definition of shame more closely, it is important to focus on Dr. Brown's words: “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy...” When individuals internalize the belief that they are flawed and unworthy, they begin the process of Self-Shaming. In other words,

    Self-Shaming is the cognitive and behavioral practice of self-devaluation which manifests as 
                    the result of feeling shame or being shamed by someone or something.

Read again, slowly.

 Self-Shaming is the cognitive and behavioral practice of self-devaluation which manifests as the result of feeling shame or being shamed by someone or something.

Although Self-Shaming is expressed cognitively and behaviorally, it begins by showing up in our lives predominately through our life-messages. Life-messages are an individual’s internal dialogue or messaging composed from each person’s unique life experiences and perceptions of them. Life-messages come from external and internal sources of influence or impact. Life-messages are powerful. They form our personal truths about ourselves and our inner-personal value.

In my years of therapeutic practice working in the areas of abuse and trauma, clients usually enter therapy with a lengthy history of Self-Shaming. However, it is not unusual for any individual who has endured or been exposed to any kind of adverse childhood/adult experiences or unhealthy relationships to internalize their shame in the form of self-deprecating life-messages.

A few sources of shame which trigger Self-Shaming life-messaging include the following:

• Children who are bullied or cyber bullied Self-Shame with life-messages such as: “I am stupid. I am ugly. I am fat. No one likes me.”
• Partners who are in or who have been in toxic, dangerous, and abusive relationships message themselves: “I am not good enough.  I don’t matter. Something is wrong with me. It’s all my fault.”
• Individuals raised by abusive, critical, unstable and neglectful parents and guardians Self-Shame with messages such as: “ I am not enough. I am not lovable. Why am I here? Who would want me?”
• Abuse or trauma victims carry intense Self-Shaming life-messages including the following: “It is all my fault.  I am to blame.  I am nothing.  I don’t belong here. I feel dirty.  I feel invisible.”

In addition to the painful nature of Self-Shaming, one of the most insidious and injurious characteristics of Self-Shaming is that is shrouded in secrecy and silence. Because we do not feel safe to share our Self-Shaming for fear of being further judged, blamed, or shamed, we keep it to ourselves. Within the confines of our emotionally fragile landscape, we unintentionally reinforce and condition our feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy through the repetitive nature of Self-Shaming and through the repression of our truths. 

One of the most consistent findings in a two-year qualitative study of "Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness", was the shared secrecy and silence in which the Daughters contained their Self-Shaming.  Because of cultural, ethnic, spiritual, societal, and traditional norms regarding mothers and motherhood, the Daughters were not able to disclose their debilitating life-messages: 

• I am not enough. 
• I am not wanted. 
• I don’t feel worthy of love. 
• I feel invisible. I know I do not matter. 
• I’m ugly. 
• I shouldn’t be here.

Because of the stigma and shame associated in speaking up about their mothers’ abuses, the Daughters’ Self-Shaming became a part of their being. It is important to note that for those individuals who are able to joke or jest to others about their self-deprecating life-messages, it is often a mask or a defense mechanism which serves to further diminish their value and in turn intensify their worthlessness.

In closing, Self-Shaming does not discriminate. Most of us experience feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness from time to time.  Sadly, many individuals are defined by these feelings, quietly suffering and desperately searching for someone or something to fill their well of worthlessness. By increasing our understanding as to what Self-Shaming is, we can then begin to acknowledge its presence in our lives.

This is where healing begins.

Reflective Exercise: Utilizing any writing modality which is comfortable for you, begin writing down your Self-Shaming life-messages.  Think back as far as you can regarding your life experiences and write down any and all messages, regardless of severity or intensity. Take your time.  Honor your voice and your truth.

Next time, “Self-Shaming: External Causes"

                                                     More Healing Resources @ Holli Kenley

Amazon Author

Follow on Twitter & Instagram

Like Us on Facebook