Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Three

 Daughter and Mother: A Story of Healing and Hope - Part Three

If you have not read Part One, begin here.

If you have not read Part Two, begin here.

 Session Three: Our Relationship: Past and Present

When Yvonne, Sally and I greeted one another, there was a noticeable lightness in the air. Although I felt a sense of relief, I knew that processing the questions from their homework also required additional vulnerability and complete honesty. After a few moments of small talk, we dove into the assignment. I reminded Yvonne and Sally that after each one shared her answers, the other would again utilize the “reflective listening phrases” when responding.

The six questions were arranged in a specific order. Although no one question was easier than another, the serious nature around each question deepened from #1 to #6, as did its potential for healing the relationship moving forward.

The first few questions centered around how Daughter and Mother each felt about herself in her role in their relationship and about the relationship itself, both past and present. Next, each was asked to talk about changes she would like to make as well as things she cherished or appreciated. The next couple of questions asked both Daughter and Mother to express her needs of the other moving forward in healthy, supportive ways. And the last question was designed give both Daughter and Mother each an opportunity to share something more private, personal, or poignant. Something that would reflect her final truths, if these were her last words. 

Over the next fifty minutes, I guided Yvonne and Sally through the questions. Some truths flowed smoothly. Others were quite challenging, addressing areas of additional vulnerability and discomfort. When needed, I jumped in for clarification or for providing context around healing from betrayal. But Yvonne and Sally moved through the questions. Both stayed with me and the process. Although Sally demonstrated vast improvement in utilizing the reflective listening phrases, often she would slip into her defensiveness. And yet, she remained open to my redirection.

By the end of our session, a new blanket was being woven.  This one was strung together with compassion, courage, and honest communication.  Its color – TRUTH.  Its purpose –  to provide safety and warmth for HEALING a Daughter and Mother relationship.

Homework for Session Four: For our last Daughter and Mother session, Yvonne and Sally were asked to do a short writing assignment – Commitment and Reflection.  Each was asked to write down 3-5 specific behaviors they would commit to working on and also write a paragraph on their reflection of our time together.

Session Four: Commitment and Reflection

For our last Daughter and Mother session together, I anticipated that it would be less intense. I was right. However, I was blown away at the level of strength, conviction, and commitment demonstrated by both Yvonne and Sally. They were eager to share their homework.

First, Daughter and Mother each committed to behaviors she would work on. And, there was additional conversation around boundary work and open communication with one another as well as with other family members. Each boldly identified clear expectations of one another, with each one owning and being accountable if she regressed into old patterns of behavior. Both Daughter and Mother expressed her deep love for the other. Both emphasized and were dedicated to the importance of being healthier for herself and for the other.  

Before we closed our session, I asked Yvonne and Sally to share their reflections on our time together – positive or critical. Both were very generous with their words. Although I thanked them, I spoke compassionately to both of them. 

“YOU were willing.  YOU were vulnerable.  YOU wanted healing. YOU did the hard work.”  

I said goodbye to Sally. She smiled as I held her hand in mine.  Then, I met with Yvonne alone for a few minutes. We processed a few things and set a time for our next session. She seemed to have a little bounce in her step as she and her mom joined arms and left the office.

Later that night, I couldn’t help but think of Yvonne and Sally. Tears of joy ran down my face. 

I kept visualizing a new meticulously woven soft blanket – swaddling them in healing and hope.

For more healing resources, please visit Holli Kenley

TEDx YouTube and TED.com  

BETRAYAL: The Loss No One Is Talking About