From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Week Three - Internal Causes
Week Three: Self-Shaming: Internal Causes
Thus far in our series on Self-Shaming, we have discussed "Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding" and "Self-Shaming: External Causes.“ In order
to get the most from this series, you are invited to read weeks one and two, and
then join us here for week three, “Self-Shaming: Internal Causes.”
To refresh our understanding of Self-Shaming, we have
defined it as the following:
Self-Shaming is the cognitive and behavioral practice of
self-devaluation which manifests as the result of feeling shame or being shamed
by someone or something.
In our discussion, we have focused on our Self-Shaming
life-messages - the internal dialogue we say to ourselves about our lack of worth
and value. Although the genesis of many of our “Self-Shaming” life messages
comes from “External Causes” – Primary Care-Givers, Environments of Betrayal,
and Social Media – it is important to examine internal causation as well. While there may be crossover, let’s explore
three areas:
Our Beliefs
Our Choices
Our Unworthy Attachments
Our Beliefs
At very young ages, we begin forming Our Beliefs about
everyone and everything, including ourselves. Our Beliefs may be based on
traditional or foundational principles taught to us by external sources, they
may be pieced together from our experiences and observations, or they be formed
from fanciful thinking. Regardless of their origin, we navigate through life
tethering ourselves to Our Beliefs. Some of them serve as well. Some of them do
not. However, it is when Our Beliefs
serve us well for a time; and then, they no longer support us in healthy ways, we
begin to Self-Shame.
Why is this? This is
important. When we hold on to a belief, we are responsible for its impact on
our lives. After all, we chose to believe. Tragically, even though we
are not responsible for what we didn’t know or what we weren’t capable of
understanding at the time, we blame ourselves. We feel ashamed for holding on
to Our Beliefs in a person, a relationship, an organization, or a political
issue / social cause which over time has proven false or misleading. One of the
most injurious sources of Self-Shaming occurs when individuals tether
themselves to tender inner-personal beliefs about being worthy of human regard,
safety, and protection – even as they experience mistreatment and endure
unthinkable miscarriages of justice.
One of the most moving examples of Self-Shaming as it
relates to Our Beliefs was bravely on display at the 11th Annual It
Happens To Boys Conference in Southern California, USA. As two internationally
known and respected male survivors of sexual abuse and trauma - Authors John Lee and Dave Pelzer – shared
their recovering narratives, they also disclosed the challenges of over-coming
deeply ingrained beliefs around “male weakness” and messages of "toxic masculinity" (CLEARlife). Growing up, their core
beliefs about being males were to “toughen up, take it like a man, don’t be a
sissy, boys don’t cry…or complain…or tell, don’t be a baby.” As young boys,
John Lee and Dave Pelzer did not know any differently. And as do most
individuals who are conflicted by an allegiance to their beliefs and yet
confused as to how they are disserving them, they self-blame and self-shame.
This is important. Relying on or turning to Our Beliefs for
internal guidance and direction is only natural. It is not our fault that they
are contributing to our pain or keeping us bound to it. We don’t know any
differently. We don’t know until someone else accepts us unconditionally for
who we are, provides a safe space and support to unravel distorted, restrictive
beliefs, and helps us to establish new beliefs which will serve us in healthy,
freeing ways.
Our Choices
Every day we make choices.
Some of them are well-informed. Some of them are not. Either way, most
of understand there is always some level of risk involved. Needless to say,
most of us are able to navigate through the rewards or consequences and learn
from them.
However, when Our Choices bring about injury or injustice to
ourselves and to others, we feel shame. If we have made the choice on a whim or
without much forethought, we typically feel very ashamed. However, even when
there has been thorough background investigation, thoughtful consideration, and
well-informed input, the responsibility of the choice and ensuing repercussions
fall upon us. We carry the regret, filling ourselves with self-blame and self-doubt.
Self-Shaming life-messages begin showing up: “I should have known better. Why
didn’t I see this coming? I’m so stupid. I should have done more research. This
is all my fault…how am I going to face my family? I’m so embarrassed. I’m a failure.”
Similar to Our Beliefs, many of Our Choices serve us
well. Many serve us well for a period of
time; and then, for a variety of reasons, we make choices which take us in a
destructive direction. In clinical
terminology in describing issues with addiction, this is often referred to as
relapse. However, by expanding on the definition of relapse, most of will be
able to relate to this concept of shared shame.
For a sustained period of time, we have been choosing to invest
into ourselves and in relationships in healthy, healing ways. Then, we choose to fall back or regress into
prior unhealthy patterns of thinking, behaving or feeling; or we enter back
into unhealthy relationships. This, too, leads to Self-Shaming. A recent case
comes to mind.
I’ve been working with a client whose spouse and adult
step-children are very abusive to her. She has been learning to set strong
boundaries around what she will accept and not accept. After experiencing some
change and growth, in a recent heated family exchange, she slipped back into
her destructive angry outbursts. When she came into therapy, she was suffocating
in her Self-Shaming life-messages: “Why can’t I do this? I’m a mess. I just proved to them I’m crazy. I hate myself. I don’t deserve anything more…or better.”
When Our Choices, whether influenced or instinctual, lead to
self-harm or harm to others, we feel tremendous shame. Acknowledging our
responsibility and owning the consequences of our choices are critical steps in
healing. In addition, learning to release our Self-Shaming messages and replace
them with messages of worth will lead us to healthier paths.
Our Unworthy Attachments
As humans, we are hard-wired for connection. From birth, we
begin forming attachments with our primary care-givers. This process continues
throughout our lives as we seek validation and affirmation through
relationships. As we move through our lives, many of our relationships are
healthy. Others are not. When we invest
into relationships which are detrimental to our wellbeing, we form Unworthy Attachments.
This is important. Within any relationship, when we allow
others to devalue, diminish, or demean us in any way, we message them what we
will accept. In other words, we teach others that we are not worthy of respect,
unconditional regard, or love. Some common examples include abusive,
codependent, or controlling relationships. In addition, the longer we attach
ourselves and our worth to unhealthy or toxic relationships, the more we
devalue ourselves. Our Self-Shaming life
messages take form in the following ways: “Something must be wrong with me. I
need to change. It’s my fault he doesn’t want me. I just need to do better next time. She’s right…I’m stupid. I should have known better. I’ll try harder.
If I were someone else, she would love me. “
While there are many examples of Unworthy Attachments, one
of the most ubiquitous examples exists within our cyber life and our online
relationships. In my years of study into our increasingly dependent relationship
with technology, research has substantiated that individuals, both young and
adult, are basing their inner-personal value on artificial sources of worth
such as their number of friends, likes, retweets, shares, followers, etc. Their
Self-Shaming life-messages reflect their feelings of inadequacy: “I don’t have
as many friends. No one liked that post…I’m taking it down. I look ugly in that
photo… I can make myself look better. I wish I could get more people to like
me. What’s wrong with me?”
Social comparison has always been a part of our human
fabric. We see what other folks look like, what they have, or what pleasures
they are enjoying and we compare the quality of our lives to theirs. However, because
of the fleeting nature of cyber worth, many individuals find themselves chasing
this source of Unworthy Attachment in attempts to keep up and measure up. Studies have shown how many individuals, especially
digital natives, who are in search of acceptance and belonging or of “wanting
to fit in,” are feeling alone, unimportant, and without meaningful connection.
As we conclude this section on “Self-Shaming: Internal
Causes,” I am going to share two concepts of Self-Shaming which may be hard to
take in. Take a breath and read slowly.
First, when we invest into any person, place, or thing which
does not give us some kind of positive return on that investment - such as
love, respect, kindness - we shame ourselves.
Breathe and read again.
When we invest into any person, place, or thing which does
not give us some kind of positive return on that investment - such as love,
respect, kindness - we shame ourselves
This is important. I want you to know that most individuals
do not purposely or intentionally seek out unhealthy relationships or wish to
form Unworthy Attachments. If it often because of the presence of deeply
embedded Self-Shaming life-messages formed from adverse childhood experiences
or from later onset traumatic events which draw us to unhealthy people, places,
and things. As insidious as this may seem, we often don’t feel worthy of
anything more. For many wounded individuals, Unworthy Attachments feel better
than no attachments at all.
Secondly, when we excuse, justify, or minimize the behaviors
of someone who has shamed us, we shame ourselves.
I know this is difficult to take in. Breathe and read again.
When we excuse, justify, or minimize the behaviors of
someone who has shamed us,
we shame ourselves.
we shame ourselves.
When I am working with clients who have been shamed by
someone they love or someone who has been or is very important in their lives,
they have a very difficult time holding these persons accountable for their
shaming behaviors. Clients struggle as they share their experiences: “I feel
badly talking about him….he does his best. I know my mom is not well….she
really doesn’t mean the awful things she says about me. My boss ridicules me every day….but I know
her personal life is messed up. My father doesn’t protect me or have my
back….but then he’s a man’s man.”
This is important. Shedding our Self-Shaming life-messages
is extremely difficult work. Each time we carry the shame of Our Unworthy
Attachments, we sabotage ourselves and our work. However, I also want you to
know this. At any time, we can determine our worth. We have the power to choose
how, where, and in whom we want to invest. We can decide who is worthy of us
and who is not. We can choose to heal ourselves.
In closing, as we’ve have discussed, examining causal
sources of Self-Shaming is not easy. Turning inward and exploring how Our
Beliefs, Our Choices, and Our Unworthy Attachments are contributing factors to
Self-Shaming require us to be both vulnerable and courageous. By conducting
honest inventories and committing to the hard work of unearthing our truths, we
continue to reclaim our voices and ourselves.
Reflective Exercise: Utilizing any writing modality which is comfortable for you,
begin identifying and naming your Internal Causes of Self-Shaming
life-messages. Focus on the areas of Our
Choices, Our Beliefs, and Our Unworthy Attachments. However, write down any and
all persons, places, and things which come to mind. This may be difficult. Take
your time. Honor your voice and your
truth.
Visit Holli Kenley, M.A., Author, Therapist & Presenter for more healing resources.
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Next time,
“Self-Shaming: Its Impact On Us”
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