From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Week Two - External Causes

Week Two - Self-Shaming: External Causes

In week one of our series, we examined, "Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding," We learned that Self-Shaming is the cognitive and behavioral practice of self-devaluation which manifests as the result of feeling shame or being shamed by someone or something. Although there are other manifestations of Self-Shaming behavior, we focused on the intrusive presence of our self-deprecating life-messages which fuel and feed our feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. We also discussed how Self-Shaming thrives in secrecy and silence, as individuals are fearful of disclosing their true feelings for risk of being further blamed and judged.


As we move into week two, “Self-Shaming: External Causes," this is important. 


Given any sensitive or tender topic such as Self-Shaming, it is often difficult to examine sources of our pain. It requires that we remain open, as we courageously face the truths around people, places, and things which have caused and may continue to bring injury into our lives.

Therefore, as you read this section and find yourself reflecting about your external causes of Self-Shaming, you may experience feelings of guilt or shame. This is understandable. If needed, pause and take a deep breath. Then continue.

Let’s take a look at several external causes.
  • Primary Care-Givers
  • Environments of Betrayal
  • Social Media
Primary Care-Givers

Most individuals form their truths about themselves as early as age five. Their feelings of being worthy of love, their degree of mattering, their levels self-efficacy, and their sense of belonging are shaped by their primary caregivers. In "Pilates For Parenting: Stretch Yourself & Strengthen Your Family"  I share with parents and guardians, “Everything you say and do with your children matters. Everything you don’t say and do with your children matters.” In other words, how we show up for our children and how we parent them will drastically impact our children’s sense of worth and adequacy.

Most clients entering therapy with Self-Shaming behaviors have deeply embedded  beliefs about their unlovability and lack of being enough. These Self-Shaming life-messages can be traced back to their primary care-givers who, either knowingly or without concern , shamed their children – emotionally, psychologically, and physically. Recently, a client who claims to come from a close, loving family reluctantly and tearfully disclosed how she has endured years of constant ridicule and intense criticism by her father. To this day, she “does not quite measure up to his standards.” While she is a beautiful, successful young lawyer, her Self-Shaming messages reflect a deep self-loathing regarding her appearance and a profound sense of insecurity in her abilities.

Over many years in practice, I have worked with successful business owners, doctors, nurses, teachers, service industry workers, and individuals from every walk of life whose primary care-givers were unable, incapable, or unwilling to parent them  in healthy ways. While it often feels like we are betraying those we care for or love by naming them as sources of our Self-Shaming, it is a critical first step in reclaiming our voices, our truths, and ourselves.

Environments of Betrayal

Although there may be some cross-over in identifying external causes of Self-Shaming, a second and more inclusive source are Environments of Betrayal.  Based on my research in "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition," Environments of Betrayal include any and all people, places, and things which meet at least one of the following criteria: 

1) An investment into someone or something met with abandonment or rejection
Examples include investing into a marriage, partnership, friendship, profession, or organization

2) A profound trust  in someone or something which is profoundly violated
Examples include trusting in a personal relationship, a business partnership, a financial, legal, or educational institution, or a faith-based organization.

 3) A belief which is a shattered or a truth which becomes a lie
Examples include believing someone or something represents a certain quality or characteristic which then is proven false; or being told a “truth” about yourself, or someone  or something  which is then negated by facts, or by secrets being exposed.

Regardless of the kind of betrayal, this is important. When we are betrayed by anyone or anything, we navigate through three debilitating states of confusion, worthlessness, and powerlessness. Of the three, the most excruciating is the state of worthlessness. There are several reasons for this:

1)We have come to know that what we believed to be true about our degree of value or mattering is not true.  

2) We have come to know that some other person, place, thing, opportunity, need, or desire is more valuable than we are.

3) We have come to believe that we are not important or valuable at all.

As we begin to process these painful realizations about our lack or worth, we internalize and integrate them into our Self-Shaming life-messages. In order to comprehend the intensity and severity of a betrayal’s impact on us and our Self-Shaming, it is important to understand the following two concepts:

First, the degree to which invest, trust, or believe in someone or something
 is a predictor to the degree of betrayal injury.

In other words, the more we have given, the longer we have invested, and how deeply we trusted or believed in someone or something, when we are betrayed the more unworthy or inadequate we will feel. It may be a relationship we have invested in, a job we have sacrificed for, a belief we’ve tethered ourselves to, an organization we have supported, or a family we’ve tried to hold together. Our Self-Shaming shows up in life-messages such as the following:  “I am so stupid.  I should have known. I don’t matter at all.  I am not enough. I am so ashamed of myself. What did he have that I didn’t? Who do I think I am?”

Secondly, the degree of exposure to the betrayer and the betrayal environment
 is a predictor to the  degree of re-injury, and thus, 
the reinforcement of Self-Shaming behaviors.

This is important. In working with clients who have chosen or who have been able to remove themselves from their betrayers and betrayal environments, deconstructing their Self-Shaming life-messages and reconstructing  healthy life-messages comes with hard work. For those who have not been able to do so, it is possible to recover their worth; however, the process is often interrupted by periods of relapse into Self-Shaming behaviors such as intense self-blaming and self-loathing.

For my client who is the successful lawyer, she is committed to the process of reclaiming her truths and herself. However, she is expected to attend frequent family gatherings. Each time she does so, her Self-Shaming life-messages are triggered by her father’s abusive nature and her family’s indifference to it. 

She recently asked, “Holli, will I ever feel like I am enough?”

In my response, I have encouraged and supported her.  “As you continue the hard work of learning how to detach your worth from your father,  a source which has proven unworthy of your investment, over time you will discover your voice and you will define your worth.”

More on this topic with access to healing strategies is available in "Breaking Through Betrayal: And Recovering The Peace Within 2nd Edition"  (Chapter 6: Breaking Through The Bonds of Betrayal...And Beyond).

Social Media

The third external cause of Self-Shaming includes all forms of social media. Our relationship with technology is important. It serves us in many valuable ways. It has become our primary means of communication and social interaction. However, as our reliance upon technology has increased to connect with others in helpful and healing ways, so has the ease by which to harm one another.

Through social media platforms or other forms of electronic communications, shaming one another has become a normative behavior. Every day, we see Tweets which belittle, berate, and bully individuals. Other commonplace shaming behaviors include the following: excluding, teasing, taunting, outing (sharing something private or held as a secret), spreading rumors or gossip, and social combating (ganging up on an individual). The list of dehumanizing, degrading, and damaging behaviors is endless.

Tragically, shaming others through social media brings with it a uniquely destructive component. The cascade of cruelty imposed upon innocent individuals through public shaming and its viral exposure intensifies their injuries and magnifies their Self-Shaming life-messages. Victims of chronic online shaming often disclose the following: “I am better off dead. I need the pain to stop. I am nothing.  Everyone is better off without me.” These intolerable feelings of hopeless, helplessness, and humiliation are exacerbated due to the lack of accountability for the perpetrators’ wrong-doings and by the repetitious shaming of bystanders.   

Over a decade ago in the United States, several precious young individuals Megan Meier , Amanda Todd, Ty Field-Smalley, and Tyler Clementi – took their own lives as the result of chronic, horrific cyber bullying and relentless bullying. Because the shaming they endured was so severe, their cases made national headlines. Tragically, in the United States today, cyber bullying and bullying statistics continue to climb. Credible researchers such as the Cyber Bullying Research Center have found this to be a contributing factor in the sharp rise of young childhood and teen suicide. While we cannot control  the online shaming behaviors of others, we can re-evaluate our relationship with technology and establish strong boundaries around our social interactions. In addition, we can intervene by standing up for individuals who are being shamed.

In closing, becoming aware of external causes of Self-Shaming is a beginning. Identifying and naming their places of origin is even more important. Through understanding and knowing there are causes or reasons for our Self-Shaming, we begin the powerful healing process of releasing ourselves from self-blame and self-devaluation and of uncovering our worth.

Reflective Exercise :Utilizing any writing modality which is comfortable for you, begin identifying and naming your external sources of Self-Shaming life-messages.  Focus on the areas of Primary Care-Givers, Environments of Betrayal, and Social Media. However, write down any and all  persons, places, and things which come to mind. This may be difficult. Take your time.  Honor your voice and your truth.

Next time, “Self-Shaming: Internal Causes.”

For more healing resources, visit Holli Kenley, MA, MFT
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