From Self-Shaming To Becoming Enough: Week Four - It's Impact On Us
Week Four - Self-Shaming: Its Impact On Us
For the past several weeks, we have been discussing
“Self-Shaming.” In week one,"Self-Shaming: Increasing Our Understanding," we explored
our Self-Shaming life-messages – the internal dialogue we say to ourselves
about our lack of worth and value. In
week two, "Self-Shaming: External Causes," we learned that the genesis of many of our Self-Shaming life-messages
comes from Primary Care-Givers, Environments of Betrayal, and Social Media.
However, in week three, "Self-Shaming: Internal Causes," we also learned that Self-Shaming
life-messages evolve from Our Beliefs, Our Choices, and Our Unworthy
Attachments. We acknowledged that there can be cross-over with any of the areas
of causation.
In order to get the
most from this series, please read each of the articles and
implement the Reflective Exercises at the end of each one. Then, join us here
for “Self-Shaming: Its Impact On Us.”
Let’s begin.
When clients enter therapy, it is usually because what they
have been doing isn’t working any more. In
other words, the pain of their behaviors far exceeds the pain of changing.
Slowly, together we work at peeling away their layers of injury and injustice.
As clients disclose their background histories and experiences, I am listening
very carefully for their Self-Shaming life-messages. And, just as we have done
in our previous discussions and exercises, clients identify their life-messages
and name their sources – both external and internal. I am also listening intently,
assessing how their Self-Shaming life-messages are impacting them. I have found
the following behavioral principle to be a reliable assessment.
The degree to which we internalize our Self-Shaming life-messages as our truths is a
predictor to the degree of our psychological, physical, inner personal, and relational impact.
Read again, slowly.
The degree to which we internalize our Self-Shaming
life-messages as our truths is a
predictor to the degree of our psychological, physical,
inner personal, and relational impact.
Thus, in our discussion of impact, it is important to
recognize that each individual is unique. And, the symptoms or
manifestations of Self-Shaming vary greatly. Therefore, the impact can range
from lows levels of self-worth to severe depression with thoughts of suicide.
Also, there are usually other precipitating factors such as physiological issues
which contribute to clients’ levels of distress or disturbance.
As we begin exploring “Self-Shaming: Its Impact On Us,” this
is important. For the purposes of our discussion, we will touch upon four areas
of impact: Psychological, Physical, Inner Personal and Relational.
However, because of the numerous manifestations and considerations within each
of the areas, I will contain our discussion to some of the most common effects
of Self-Shaming witnessed within my private practice and obtained from my
research.
Let’s get started.
Psychological
As the result of deeply internalized Self-Shaming
life-messages, one of the most common presentations of psychological
disturbance is in the area of mood disorders. This was a critical finding in my
two-year qualitative study of "Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers: Moving From Brokenness To Wholeness." At young ages, several Daughters reported “… lower
levels of anxiety, anxiousness, hyper-sensitivity, over-sympathetic
stimulation, and an overall sense of not being able to relax or settle
oneself.” (Kenley, pg. 221). As Daughters matured and experienced chronic
exposure to their shaming environments, their long-term impact manifested in
clinical disorders such as Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety
Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.
In our discussion of Betrayal Environments as part of
External Causes, we learned that our Self-Shaming intensifies or is exacerbated
when we are in frequent or episodic contact with individuals who are shaming us
or when we return to our shaming environments. Consequently, when our
Self-Shaming life-messages are triggered or reinforced, there is often an
intensification of psychological disturbance. A client case comes to mind. I
will call him James.
James was raised in a highly dysfunctional family with an
emotionally and verbally abusive father. Although James is a successful businessman,
his Self-Shaming life-messages fuel his depression, especially after being in
contact with his father: “Nothing I do is right. I can’t measure up. In his eyes, I’m a failure. Every time I am
around him, he always has to criticize me. Why can’t he accept me for who I am?” James, who also suffers from mild anxiety, is
taking medication. This has proven helpful in stabilizing his depression,
especially in tackling the difficult work we are doing together.
Several clients over recent years have presented with
varying levels of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. When children are raised in
families ridden with chaos, anger, and shaming behaviors, as they mature their
levels of tolerance to similar environments is extremely low. Whether the
present-day shaming source is from a critical boss, an angry partner, a judgmental
family member, clients Self-Shaming life-messages resurface, triggering
distressing memories, panic attacks, night terrors, and even dissociative
reactions such as flashbacks.
Other psychological areas of impact cluster around Eating Disorders,
Substance Related Addictive Disorders, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders. It
has been my experience in working with individuals presenting with eating,
addictive, or obsessive-compulsive disorders, their histories reveal an early
onset of self-destructive behaviors in an attempt to assuage or medicate their Self-Shaming
life-messages. In addition, many clients, both male and female, present with
body image issues, feeling like they are “not thin enough, not pretty enough, not
fit enough,” and so on.
There may be other psychological areas of disturbance. Thus,
please do not discount anything you may be experiencing. If there is a
correlation between your Self-Shaming life-messages and your psychological
wellbeing, it is time to acknowledge this. This may be time to seek out
professional support.
Physical
Most of the physical issues which I have witnessed with my
clients and uncovered in my research are related to psychological areas of
impact, in particular Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Physical symptoms range
from high blood pressure and weight gain to chronic gastrointestinal disorders
and a plethora of autoimmune diseases. It is important to note once again that
these effects are not a direct result of a single precipitating behavior such
as Self-Shaming, but rather a compilation of factors such as childhood histories
of abuse and neglect as well as exposure to traumatic events and highly
dysfunctional environments. A client
example from years ago comes to mind.
A thirty-eight year-old female client entered therapy to
work on her intimacy issues with her husband. I will call her Naomi. Because of
a large weight gain during the previous several years, Naomi was feeling
ashamed of her body, and thus, less attractive. Her blood pressure had risen
significantly and she was borderline Diabetic. As we worked together, Naomi
began to peel away the layers and layers of Self-Shaming life-messages, rooted
in self-blame from a childhood sexual assault. After disclosing that the
perpetrator was her older brother, Naomi tearfully shared how she was “sworn to
secrecy by her family for fear of bringing shame on them.” Naomi internalized
her Self-Shaming life-messages as her truths: “I am to blame. This is all my
fault. My family hates me. I am dirty…I am bad.”
Clearly, Naomi’s psychological symptoms were a manifestation
from a history of repressed traumatic events, not a single underlying factor.
However, it was after the birth of her daughter when Naomi’s Self-Shaming
increased, triggered by flashbacks to her childhood assault. In order to
mitigate her anxiety, Naomi began self-medicating through binge eating. As Naomi
worked tirelessly on her recovery, she acknowledged how her weight gain and
high blood pressure served as an impetus to seek professional help. It was a
critical step in reclaiming herself, her health, and her worth.
It is important for you to self-assess and determine if your
Self-Shaming life-messages are impacting you physically, and to what degree. This
is important, so please, take your time.
Inner Personal
In my research with all kinds of betrayal and in my clinical
practice, I am very drawn to examining the effects of Self-Shaming on the Inner
Personal aspects of our being (or the Inner Self). Their impact on us is often
overlooked or minimized; and yet, they play a critical role in the development
of self-worth and of mattering .
In my research, one of the most consistent Inner Personal manifestations of being shamed is the “loss of voice.” This comes from a history of not being able to speak or to speak up for fear of further shaming or punishment. In "Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers," several Daughters reported they “could not speak up….could not express emotions, be honest, or forthcoming…when I got into my mom’s face, I risked further retaliation.” Clients, who have deeply embedded Self-Shaming life-messages, have disclosed in therapy that when they spoke or have spoken up in defense of themselves, they were shamed by their parents or guardians. They were told to “keep their mouths shut,” or “suck it up.”
This is important. Our voices are an external representation of our Inner Personal worth. When our voices are silenced, it impacts us at our core. Our Self-Shaming life-messages reflect their severity: “I am bad. I am nothing. Something is wrong with me. This is my fault. Why am I here?”
In my research, one of the most consistent Inner Personal manifestations of being shamed is the “loss of voice.” This comes from a history of not being able to speak or to speak up for fear of further shaming or punishment. In "Daughters Betrayed By Their Mothers," several Daughters reported they “could not speak up….could not express emotions, be honest, or forthcoming…when I got into my mom’s face, I risked further retaliation.” Clients, who have deeply embedded Self-Shaming life-messages, have disclosed in therapy that when they spoke or have spoken up in defense of themselves, they were shamed by their parents or guardians. They were told to “keep their mouths shut,” or “suck it up.”
This is important. Our voices are an external representation of our Inner Personal worth. When our voices are silenced, it impacts us at our core. Our Self-Shaming life-messages reflect their severity: “I am bad. I am nothing. Something is wrong with me. This is my fault. Why am I here?”
Therefore, a vital part of the recovering work in
dismantling our Self-Shaming life-messages is to speak our truths. First, we learn
to do so in private, safe ways. Over time, we learn to do so publicly, honoring
our voices and ourselves.
A few additional examples of Inner Personal impact include
the following losses: dignity, equality, identity (gender, cultural, racial, spiritual), innocence, integrity, person-hood (motherhood, fatherhood, womanhood, manhood), respect, reputation, etc. These are sensitive, tender areas to assess. Take
your time. They are important.
Relational
The health of relationships is an extremely complex and
complicated topic. As previously discussed, we are going to examine how one practice,
Self-Shaming, impacts Relational wellness. Growing up, our basic physical needs
for food, shelter, clothing, and safety must be met. At the same time, as we
navigate through stages of psychosocial development, it is critical that our
psychological needs for secure attachment, unconditional love, acceptance, and
belonging are met. If these needs are met in healthy, nurturing, loving ways,
we can expect to develop a positive sense of self (ego development) and of
worth.
While there are no guarantees in forming healthy relationships, when we feel confident and secure in our worth, we tend to attach to individuals who are worthy of us. In other words, we seek out relationships which will tend to us in the same or similar respectful and loving ways in which we treat ourselves. However, if we do not get our basic psychological needs met, we often develop an insecure identity and a strong sense of worthlessness. As we discussed in "Internal Causes,", even though we may feel our relationships are meeting our needs, we often are attracted to individuals who are Unworthy Attachments. Over time, an unhealthy relationship with its shaming behaviors reinforces what we believe about ourselves – we are not worthy of more.
While there are no guarantees in forming healthy relationships, when we feel confident and secure in our worth, we tend to attach to individuals who are worthy of us. In other words, we seek out relationships which will tend to us in the same or similar respectful and loving ways in which we treat ourselves. However, if we do not get our basic psychological needs met, we often develop an insecure identity and a strong sense of worthlessness. As we discussed in "Internal Causes,", even though we may feel our relationships are meeting our needs, we often are attracted to individuals who are Unworthy Attachments. Over time, an unhealthy relationship with its shaming behaviors reinforces what we believe about ourselves – we are not worthy of more.
It has been my experience in conducting research as well as
in my clinical practice that individuals who have a history of being shamed or
feeling shame have profound feelings of insecurity, inferiority, and
inadequacy. Because individuals were not affirmed and validated for their own competencies,
they learned early on to “sacrifice myself as long as everyone else is okay” or
“self-worth is related to what I am producing for others”( Kenley, pg. 221). It is understandable that individuals whose self-worth is measured by sacrificing
themselves for others or by what they can give to them, enter into
relationships which are abusive, controlling, and codependent. Although there is cross-over among the three,
codependency seems to be common denominator among my clients who have a lengthy
history of Self-Shaming. A case comes to mind. I will call her Monica.
Monica’s father is an alcoholic and a narcissist. Her mother
suffers with Major Depressive Disorder. Monica, who is in her forties, was
raised in an environment of anger, chaos, and constant verbal shaming. It was
Monica’s responsibility growing up to keep her parents from fighting and her
role was (and is) to take care of them in their fragile states. For the past
dozen years, Monica has been in a verbally abusive relationship with a very
unstable partner. Prior to our work together, Monica was able to leave the
relationship. However, she still finds herself worrying about her ex-partner
and holding herself responsible for his wellbeing. Because her life-messages
have conditioned her to believing that her worth is derived from taking care
of, rescuing, and fixing others, she is drawn towards codependent relationships.
As stated earlier, I want you to know that most of us do not
seek out unhealthy relationships. In our desire to be loved, we are drawn to
individuals who appear to meet our needs and fill our voids. If our wells of
worth are low, we may not be aware of who or what will fill them in healthy
ways. As we do our recovery work, we learn how to fill ourselves in ways which
are worthy of us. We learn how not to settle for anyone or anything less.
As you self-assess how your Self-Shaming life-messages have
impacted you relationally, consider asking yourself if your relationships
enhance your self-worth or if they diminish it. In answering, reflect upon the
two concepts of Self-Shaming we discussed in "Internal Causes: Unworthy Attachments":
1) When we invest into any person, place, or thing which does not give us some kind of positive return on that investment -such as love, respect, and kindness – we shame ourselves.
2) When we excuse, justify, or minimize the behaviors of someone who has shamed us or is shaming us, we shame ourselves.
1) When we invest into any person, place, or thing which does not give us some kind of positive return on that investment -such as love, respect, and kindness – we shame ourselves.
2) When we excuse, justify, or minimize the behaviors of someone who has shamed us or is shaming us, we shame ourselves.
In concluding “Self-Shaming: It’s Impact On Us,” this is
important. Every day most of find something wrong with ourselves or we seek to
find ways of improving what we don’t like. This is normal. This is
healthy. However, when our Self-Shaming
life-messages become our truths, we need to pause and self-assess. If we are self-devaluing
to the point where our Psychological, Physical, Inner Personal, and Relational
wellbeing are being negatively impacted or we are repeating unhealthy patterns,
it is time to choose a different path. It is time to uncover our truths, to
care for our mental, physical, and inner personal health, and to cultivate
respectful and loving relationships.
We may need to reach out for help.
Remember, it is important we do our own work but we don’t have to do it alone.
Remember, it is important we do our own work but we don’t have to do it alone.
Reflective Exercise: Utilizing any writing modality which is
comfortable for you, make a chart with five columns:
Self-Shaming Life-Message Psychological Physical Inner Personal Relational
Self-Shaming Life-Message Psychological Physical Inner Personal Relational
Return to week one “Self-Shaming: Increasing Our
Understanding” where you wrote down your Self-Shaming life-messages. Go through your list and write each one down
in the Self-Shaming column. If you have
more Self-Shaming life-messages to add, do so.
This is really important. Then, take your time and work your
way across the columns, writing down how each Self-Shaming life-message has
impacted you – Psychologically, Physically, Inner Personally, Relationally.
There may be cross-over.
Some questions which may stimulate your thinking include the
following:
- How do I make myself feel better?
- What do I wish I could stop that I can’t?
- What kind of relationships have I been in?
- In what areas have I been struggling or suffering?
- What have been consequences of my Self-Shaming?
- What have I been doing to self-medicate or self-soothe?
- In what areas have I been holding back? What am I afraid of?
- What do I need that I don’t have (inner personal qualities, relationships, health)? How am I compensating?
This exercise may be difficult so take as much time as you
need. Go slowly but keep going. This is critical. By conducting an honest self-inventory,
you increase your awareness as to how your Self-Shaming life-messages have been
impacting you and to what degree. You have an understanding of what areas you
need to address.
Next time, “Self-Shaming: Becoming Enough”
More healing resources Holli Kenley, MA, LMFT
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